Self Harm
Dear xxxx -
I am real busy with my job and that is adding stress to my life right now.
TDoc (therapist) is recommending long term commitment at some facility down near Miami. It is unlocked and I have all my freedoms just like I do now. A long term facility. She dangles this in front of me but it is just a dream. I can’t leave me job for four weeks and just drop out of life.
I have been going downhill for a while. The depression and shame have been growing. I self harm to feel better. I like the self harm. It helps me to deal with the pain. The second burn is starting to wear off form a scar. I’ll look to burn again soon. Something more severe as burning water only delivers a second-degree burn. I promised TDoc that I would tell her before. The PDoc gave me six pills that are supposed to knock me out within seconds. It is a drug used for anesthesia so I guess it is stronger than that weak ambient or temazepam both of who do not bring sleep for several hours. I should drop those after two as there seems to be not effect. I think I build up a tolerance to the drugs then they lose their effectiveness.
My time of lowest mental state is late at night. I walls of my bough close in at night and I am left with my memories and guilt. This is the time when I am apt to self burn. This is why the PDoc is giving me these pills. He did mention that I take two when needed but they are not enough to cause death. I have enough of temazepam and Ambien when needed. I walk at night to debate should I or should I not burn. One thing that does weigh heavily in the con category is how TDoc will feel think of me. I am surprised and disappointed, she was not very update with the burn. Maybe this is some therapist Jedi mind trick. My wife thinks I a just clumsy and she doesn’t think about it much. She doesn’t understand shelf harm or the mindset of guilt and shame.
The guilt comes from facts of the consequences. I can't sweep those under the run or ignore them, you can not ignore facts. I can not escape those. Those are with me for the rest of my life. My reputation is will forever be stained. I work in a small community and those stories would come up again if ever hired by someone else. I can’t go away to an asylum for four weeks. I can't bear my sins to more people and probably a group. And what can four weeks do for me. By the time I open enough to get at the issues, time till be all over.
So there is where I am at. Very low point with respect to guilt and shame. I use shelf harm to receive this feelings. PDoc gave me a new drug (triazolam), I have to pick it up today. He gave me six pills as overdose is dangerous. The drug is used in anesthesia. Wonder if the pharmacist will look at me weird. I feel the need to burn again but more seriously next time. I'm already starting to collect my ideas about this. I can’t escape my past.
I might loop in TDoc to this email. I always feel that I must be honest with her. Hope you don’t mind.
I’m in trouble.
Walrus has moved me to weekly telemedicine calls. Another indication that I’m in trouble. Need to find out when the next ECT it is.
Spencer.
Replies
Thor, you wrote here:
"I have been going downhill for a while. The depression and shame have been growing. I self harm to feel better. I like the self harm. It helps me to deal with the pain.
...The guilt comes from facts of the consequences. I can't sweep those under the run or ignore them, you can not ignore facts. I can not escape those. Those are with me for the rest of my life. My reputation is will forever be stained. I work in a small community and those stories would come up again if ever hired by someone else."
You're really on target as to what's going on, what the cause and effect is for you. You bring up the shame so often you seem to be building up to the moment when you name the shame and get past it.
We're an anonymous site, so this may be a safe place for that. Careful, of course, since everything written on the Internet can be retrieved. But on the other hand, if you keep your anonymity this might indeed be the safe place for you to get it all out.
Whatever you choose, of course, but you do bring the shame up in ways that suggest maybe you're getting ready to get past it. Sending you support whatever the case may be, amigo.
If you can get a medical note to go into treatment I would go.....This could help to move you forward for the rest of your life... Imagine the skills that you can gain
So many people aren't at work now due to the virus..... Why not take this time to help you to heal
You have been struggling for so long sweetie.... A longer time in a recommended facility may be just what you need..... What's a few weeks with regard to years.... Don't you think it's worth a try??
I imagine this facility are experts in trauma related illness...... Gentle hug.... You are worth it......xo
I agree with SunCloud. In the long run it could help you. 4 weeks isn't that long and you would get the help,you needed. It can help you so much. I would go for it. What do you have to lose? They are all trained professionals that will take care of you. Please think about it. And I hope you go. I think it would be beneficial. Hugs to you. Italianmomma4ever ❤️
I agree with Sun about going for the treatment with a medical note.
Muji has a similar insight as I do about the possibility of the break-through for the feeling, emotion, and the possibility of being able to move through the pain to a different balance.
Best wishes.
I agree with all above Thor....you are a Valuable Man, with many talents....despite not feeling this inside. If you are aware, that is So Huge as far as healing goes...I can only think that daily structure and routine with therapy would do wonders for you....aways from all the stressors, away from the ability to self harm...and 24/7 support from people who are not 'emotionally involved in your life.' My family just didn't 'get it' and often thought I was just acting out...espically with anger...I had a terrible problem with anger prior to John's birth and 2010 lamictal and zoloft. Maybe too, finding something else to do in the evening might be a better bet...hoping your next ect is soon to releave some pain...Hugs~~
This is out of my wheelhouse, but you helped me out a lot, so I will say that I will wish you the best.
I hope you get the best of life and your situation.
I pray nothing but peace, love, and blessings for you!
Thor,
What I've learned from 16 hospitalizations...sometimes it's just better to be inside. I moved ahead much faster there...You can park yourself for 6 weeks and get over this hump...I'm going to pray on this one that you make some choices to save your sanity...
Thor, the hospitalization may give you a break to refocus. You can’t escape your past, but you can shape your future. I feel guilty from my past, but I know I have to move on. Easier said than done right? Like a Muji said, this may be the place to talk about what troubles you. This group can support you if you give it a chance. We’re here to support each other, Thor.
You are a kind, intelligent person. You matter. Hand in there. We are here for you Thor.