self grasping
Grasping at the ingerently existent I. To start trying to identify it we contemplate situations where we have an exaggerated sense of I such as when embarressed, ashamed, afraid or indignant.
So a few good examples for me, like the past two days when a new worker is testing me, I don't know who has talked shit to her to make her want to test me, or if it was because she had to foward messages to me from her phone because I have been moved to a new office. No matter why, First I went to speak to my old office mate about the snow outside, I thought it was settling in the parking lot and I said there were white spots settling. Then I went back out and saw it was actually the rocks, not snow and went back to their office and corrected myself to them. I went back to my office, a few minutes later I walk through the hall to hear her saying something like" and she was trying to make out like.... in the parking lot" in a very snotty, tattle tale tone to her supervisor. Later in the day I tell that same supervisor while she is standing there that my mom has called and said it was bad and that it probably wasn't any worse where she was, as it was only 13 miles away, and she got that little snotty expression, the ones the fat girls get with girls who are thinner and better looking, and said "oh no, I doubt it since Statesville is out that way" and moved her hand in the direction she believed Statesville to be.
Then today when I walked in on a conversation with 3 SW's to let one know that I was having a CFT with a family and she could particpate if she wanted, she looked at me then flipped her head around and just kept her head turned. The person I see myself as is one who should have reached out and popped her in the back of her head. the person I see myself as is one being mistreated for no good reason. The person I see myself as is one who needs to act to defend myself against her in a mean and nasty way. Someone who deserves to be respected and not disrespected. But why is that? because I have worked through hell to get where I am? Because I am going through hell with my father's sickness.
So a few good examples for me, like the past two days when a new worker is testing me, I don't know who has talked shit to her to make her want to test me, or if it was because she had to foward messages to me from her phone because I have been moved to a new office. No matter why, First I went to speak to my old office mate about the snow outside, I thought it was settling in the parking lot and I said there were white spots settling. Then I went back out and saw it was actually the rocks, not snow and went back to their office and corrected myself to them. I went back to my office, a few minutes later I walk through the hall to hear her saying something like" and she was trying to make out like.... in the parking lot" in a very snotty, tattle tale tone to her supervisor. Later in the day I tell that same supervisor while she is standing there that my mom has called and said it was bad and that it probably wasn't any worse where she was, as it was only 13 miles away, and she got that little snotty expression, the ones the fat girls get with girls who are thinner and better looking, and said "oh no, I doubt it since Statesville is out that way" and moved her hand in the direction she believed Statesville to be.
Then today when I walked in on a conversation with 3 SW's to let one know that I was having a CFT with a family and she could particpate if she wanted, she looked at me then flipped her head around and just kept her head turned. The person I see myself as is one who should have reached out and popped her in the back of her head. the person I see myself as is one being mistreated for no good reason. The person I see myself as is one who needs to act to defend myself against her in a mean and nasty way. Someone who deserves to be respected and not disrespected. But why is that? because I have worked through hell to get where I am? Because I am going through hell with my father's sickness.
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