SEEING THE THERAPIST
I WENT TO THE PSYCHIATRIST LAST WEEK. AFTER WE SPOKE SHE LOOKED AT ME AND SAID HOW SORRY SHE WAS THAT MY JACKIE SUFFERED SO MUCH PAIN IN HER LIFETIME AND THAT SHE THINKS SHE DID PLAN THIS FOR A WHILE. INDEED, SHE DID AND THAT IS PART OF MY PROBLEM. THAT I COULDN'T STOP HER. THE DOCTOR CHANGED MY MEDICATION TO KLONIPIN AND NOT XANAX.
SHE SAID THE DIFFERENCE IS THAT THE XANAX ONLY STAYS IN THE SYSTEM FOR FOUR HOURS WHERE THE KLONOPIN STAYS IN 12 HOURS SO I ONLY TAKE IT TWICE A DAY. SHE RECOMMENDED SOMEONE TO ME TO SEE, A THERAPIST, ONCE A WEEK BUT SHE WILL MONITOR MY MEDICATION.
I WAITED 10 MONTHS TO FINALLY REALIZE THAT I DO NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP. EVERY DAY, EVERY NIGHT JUST THINKING OF JACKE ALL THE TIME. I KNOW THAT AT THAT MOMENT SHE WAS NOT RATIONAL, BUT SHE DID PLAN THIS, AND I JUST CAN'T COME TO TERMS WITH THAT. WE WERE SO CLOSE, SHE KNEW HOW MUCH I LOVED HER.
I SOUND LIKE A BROKEN RECORD. ONE DAY I WANT TO GO ON LIVING, THE NEXT I DON'T. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET THROUGH THIS PAIN AND FEELING OF LOSS AND EMPTINESS. I HOPE THAT BY SEEING THIS THERAPIST IT WILL HELP.
I WENT TO SEE THE PSYCHIATRIST ON THE 19TH, BUT STARTED THE NEW MED ON THE 20TH. SHE SAID IT TAKES 3 DAYS TO LEVEL OFF. I HOPE IT WORKS BECAUSE ALL I'M DOING IS CRYING AND TOMORROW AND SUN. I HAVE TO GO TO A BAT MITZFER (DON'T KNOW IF I SPELLED THAT RIGHT). I'M FORCING MYSELF TO GO SO I'M TRYING. I SEE THE THERAPIST ON WED. SHE ALSO HAS A MEDITATION GROUP THAT I COULD GO TO WITH OTHER PEOPLE. DON'T KNOW IF I'M READY FOR THAT. ANYWAY, WISH ME LUCK THAT I LIKE HER AND THAT SHE CAN HELP ME. LOVE YOU ALL, GAIL
SHE SAID THE DIFFERENCE IS THAT THE XANAX ONLY STAYS IN THE SYSTEM FOR FOUR HOURS WHERE THE KLONOPIN STAYS IN 12 HOURS SO I ONLY TAKE IT TWICE A DAY. SHE RECOMMENDED SOMEONE TO ME TO SEE, A THERAPIST, ONCE A WEEK BUT SHE WILL MONITOR MY MEDICATION.
I WAITED 10 MONTHS TO FINALLY REALIZE THAT I DO NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP. EVERY DAY, EVERY NIGHT JUST THINKING OF JACKE ALL THE TIME. I KNOW THAT AT THAT MOMENT SHE WAS NOT RATIONAL, BUT SHE DID PLAN THIS, AND I JUST CAN'T COME TO TERMS WITH THAT. WE WERE SO CLOSE, SHE KNEW HOW MUCH I LOVED HER.
I SOUND LIKE A BROKEN RECORD. ONE DAY I WANT TO GO ON LIVING, THE NEXT I DON'T. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET THROUGH THIS PAIN AND FEELING OF LOSS AND EMPTINESS. I HOPE THAT BY SEEING THIS THERAPIST IT WILL HELP.
I WENT TO SEE THE PSYCHIATRIST ON THE 19TH, BUT STARTED THE NEW MED ON THE 20TH. SHE SAID IT TAKES 3 DAYS TO LEVEL OFF. I HOPE IT WORKS BECAUSE ALL I'M DOING IS CRYING AND TOMORROW AND SUN. I HAVE TO GO TO A BAT MITZFER (DON'T KNOW IF I SPELLED THAT RIGHT). I'M FORCING MYSELF TO GO SO I'M TRYING. I SEE THE THERAPIST ON WED. SHE ALSO HAS A MEDITATION GROUP THAT I COULD GO TO WITH OTHER PEOPLE. DON'T KNOW IF I'M READY FOR THAT. ANYWAY, WISH ME LUCK THAT I LIKE HER AND THAT SHE CAN HELP ME. LOVE YOU ALL, GAIL
Replies
Gail, YOU COULD NOT HAVE STOPPED IT, NO MATTER WHAT YOU DID. My daughter wanted to go to God for YEARS and I STOPPED her. THAT DAY I could not. Why? Because that was the day she was intended to go; yes, intended. NO life stops without God\'s allowance. Someone told me about a man who jumped off the Rhinecliff Bridge, it is VERY HIGH over the Hudson. He broke every bone in his body and lived; someone else told me about a man who jumped from an eight story window and now walks crooked but is alive. On and on, stories from both my therapists who deal with seriously psychotic people for 20+ years EACH. Rudy, one of them, told me that a patient ran into a wall with his head in the lock down psychiatric ward. THERE WAS NOTHING YOU COULD HAVE DONE.
Be careful with Klonipin. Don\'t you DARE take more than two a day, and don\'t try to go off them abruptly, you need to wean off this stuff (just like Xanax, you can\'t just STOP, it increases anxiety by 1,000). I\'m glad you have a good psychiatrist and very comforted that you seem to have found a qualified therapist.
Gail, my daughter and I were to each other a very special thing; our relationship had her lifetime (from birth) of unconditional love, one for the other. We had our disagreements and sometimes I got upset because of them but they really meant nothing, we loved each other so very much. And she STILL DID THIS, GAIL. In her letter to me, she asked GOD TO FORGIVE HER OF THIS SIN. That\'s how tormented she was, she didn\'t leave ME, she couldn\'t survive the PAIN any more, the mental torment that she couldn\'t (because of her illness) TELL anyone about. Imagine: she did this thinking GOD WOULD CONDEMN HER AND THAT DIDN\'T STOP HER. Jackie did not \"do\" this to YOU, she made an adult choice and wasn\'t rational. If she had for one moment been ABLE to EVEN IMAGINE what this meant for you, she WOULD NOT HAVE DONE IT. You see, I\'ve had two therapists for a year, TWO. I came to this realization a few months ago. YOU WILL, TOO.
Hang on, Gail. Your daughter was very ill, she is WITH GOD, GAIL. He did NOT turn her away. TRUST HIM.
jill
Gail I do hope you like your new therapist and she is able to help you through this grief. I know in my heart there was nothing I could have done to stop Jason from doing what he did...but it still hurts to know that his life was so painful that he choose this way out. I feel so very bad that Jackie\'s life was so painful also that she choose this way out. I truly pray you find some peace in your heart Gail. I don\'t know if I\'ll ever feel happy again, but I\'m trying very hard to feel peace. Sending you love and prayers for peace in your heart. Terry
Jackie did know how much you loved her but her pain was more than she could handle. I\'m sure she didn\'t do this to hurt you, she just couldn\'t live with her pain anymore. If you have the right therapist, she will help you. I\'ve been going to one for 3 years and wouldn\'t be doing as well as I am without her and this site. I hope that you can benefit from the therapy. Hoping you find peace soon, Connie
You are seeking the help that you need and doing your best. Please continue to give yourself lots of wiggle room and patience with this path that you have been thrust upon.
Dear Jackie sought the only release that she could... devastating for you as her beloved mom to not have your daughter in your life as you so need and want her to be... deepest of sighs... It still so surreal to be a bereaved mother and never in a million years did any of ever imagine that we would be.
Thinking of YOU with tender thoughts and hope that the meds, therapist and all your other tools that you are incorporating will give you a lift.
Love and hugs,
Joanie
My niece took her life in 2005 in a very similar pattern to Jackie\'s. We had all seen it coming for at least a couple of years ~ but, of course, prayed that somehow it wouldn\'t happen ~ and just before she completed the deed, my sister said my niece seemed better and more at peace. I think that\'s pretty common too ~ once a suicide has resolved to really go through with it, they find a strange kind of peace and sense that they are doing the only \"rational\" thing they can do. My niece left a note that said \"I love you. I\'m sorry. I love you.\" That\'s all.
Jackie did what she felt she needed to do and you did everything a mother could possibly do to help her.
Thinking of you with much tenderness and love ~ Debbie
I just want to feel better. I miss Jackie so much and when I think of her its hurts. What surprises me most is that it is really a physical pain in my chest. I\'m so dreading her Angel day, May 10th. Its always near Mother\'s Day and May 9th is my sister and niece\'s birthdays. I know everyone says that its making it through all the firsts and then maybe it gets easier. I don\'t know if it will ever get easier.