Scared of Joy
My meditation. I think of the sound that is constantly in my ears and the tingling in my hands. both are the snake who is my protector who is my fear. From no where comes a memory. A large outdoor BBQ/birthday party at our house. At night I’m playing with a yellow green blow up beach ball that lights up. It looks so beautiful in the night sky. I start to cry - I don’t know why the memory makes me sad. A sort of longing. Joy. After my meditation I try to write in first person from the point of view from the snake:
The snake: I take your fat, and hair, and pull it in to a tight slick body that can maneuver where it needs to. I don’t want to fail. I’m compulsive. I keep checking things like the mirror. I’m obsessive when I leave the house and constantly wonder if I left the iron or the curling iron on. I’m your nerves that keep you from being calm.
Me: Why do you want to keep me from feeling joy?
Snake. because EVERYONE is watching and I don't want everyone to see how bad we are. we are doing a bad job with the kid, with staying thin, with making money- with looking young, with being smart. with being social. "Joy" is not a trait in which I can use to keep us protected. Joy is the stuff that will make you lonely, and alone. You cannot have joy and live.
Me: why are you scared of joy?
Snake: because your not paying attention when your in joy! not prepared for an attack. your not on high alert. I’m your high alert. i’m here to ensure there are no blows coming your way. I prevent them from coming to begin with. if you are in joy - you will pay the price. i’m here to protect you from shame. from the blows.
Me: but why do you numb me?
Snake: because I can't handle EVERYTHING. Sometimes when I know I can't handle it , i'm just going to shut it down.
Replies
Wow. This moved me a lot. It hurts so bad to be that scared all the time.
Now you can maybe thank her for sharing with you and explain to her your view of how things really are. Or do you believe everything she believes?
I also rejected joy because it was not safe. To have joy meant you were not aware of your surroundings. To have joy meant you were safe and I was not. I understand your inner child/snake perfectly. For the longest time every time i sae my mother or talked to her on the phone all joy left me. It still happens occasionally.
This was a powerful and informative meditation. How do you feel about it?
How do I feel about and do I believe the snake? The snake has made me aware of my own insecurities in a way I have never seen before. I feel sad about pretending to be more secure and posturing myself in a way to hide the insecurities. I use to tell my therapist that I feel like such a fraud but I didn't know why. I couldn't connect the feeling of "fraud" to anything substantial. I think this is something that abuse does - the "feeling" connections in your brain (at least for me) are messed up. There is also a part of me that is OK with it. I strangely thought of Marianne Williamson when meditating once. The snake was saying, “victim victim victim, stop crying you pathetic victim, stop feeling sorry for yourself”. Marianne's response: “ not a victim, this is the way out of victim hood”. the snake screams, “pathetic, pathetic, worthless,”. Marianne wiliamson speaks again, “you are not any less than anyone else. you are responding to trauma the way anyone else would respond to trauma. you are walking towards the light - and in this way - we are all walking towards the light - it is all any of us could do. We are all images of god making our way back home." Thanks so much for your comments and questions LE and DW :)
Oh and by the way, this is what the coach recommends: "continue to have conversations with the snake when you can. Ask the snake to share the memories creating the fear. The snake will probably say no for a while. And the memories don't come from the snake anyway, but the snake is blocking them. Keep letting the snake talk. The more they share with you, the more they release their hold and defenses."
This is very cool. In a way, it's not bad to pretend to be more together than you are, right? They do say "fake it til you make it". The problem is in thinking you have to fit an image in order to be worthy. What Marianne Williamson says is so beautiful, so perfect. She is the one who wrote "A Course in Miracles", right? I've heard of it but never read it. Maybe I should. Is it very Christian?
Thank you for sharing with us and also sharing what the coach said. I envy you the clarity of your communications. I want to work with your coach!
Have you ever said to the snake that you want to love her and keep her with you always?
Thank you for sharing.
DW - Yes, Marianne Williamson wrote a course in miracles. Ive never read it. I watch her sermons on youtube for free. they are amazing. She is not a traditional christian- she "twists" christianity. send me a message if you really want to work with my coach - she is online and taking clients. She is my goto until LE decides to finally charge for her expertise ;) LE - It's really hard to "love" the snake. The snake is vicious - and judgmental and mean. How does one "love" the snake? I think it stems from appreciating her work in trying to keep me safe. I'm trying -it's really hard.
Lol. You want me to charge you? Ok. A penny per conversation. :)
I knew you had the answer. I think appreciation is a form of acceptance just as love is. I'm thinking unconditional acceptance of the snake will soften her until you can love her and she can love you. It takes time for our inner children, in any form they appear, to trust us.
Just a thought....She says she can't handle everything so what does she want you to handle? She may not trust you enough yet to give you responsibility but let her know that you are an adult and can take any responsibility you are given. This was a struggle with some of my girls but with enough trust they did relinquish control.
Please keep us posted.
That will be one penny please. Lol