Saturday

I think I should have gone back to work on Thursday and Friday.  I'm not in a good place.  I spent most of yesterday trying to work on various class projects..I feel distracted and loopy...like i'm not playing with a full deck.  Just another reminder that I will never be normal again.  He came home and announced he had to work today.  It's dumb, but I still get disappointed.  When he asked me about it I said..honestly I have no idea why it bothers me.  It's not like we would be doing anything together anyway.  He said that was bullshit....so..you ask me what is wrong and I try to talk to you about it and then you say it's bullshit?  I said it's probably because I had hoped we could talk.  so he says..let's talk.  He twists everything I say around and makes it seem like i'm the only one with a problem because I am the one unhappy with our life.  He also told me that his job is his life...not me, not the kids,  his job.  He says we never talk anymore because I don't listen.  I said..it's all work ...all the time...I'm sick of hearing about work.  I said I try very hard to put work away once I leave it and not bring it home.  He said well that's not a relationship if you can't share your day.  We are clearly in two different places.  Why can't I just not love him anymore??  I think that is the part of me that I hate the most...the part that still hopes he will love me enough to quit drinking and want to hold me in his arms again instead of sleeping on the couch.  I am pathetic and alone. ...and I keep hearing that voice where he says...no offense, but you ARE almost 50.  I should be doing something productive but just can't seem to manage anything.  I watched some hulu and finally took a shower.  I really want a pedicure but we don't have the money right now and it's going to be really close until next payday with what we spent on the trip.  He says if I hate my job that much I need to find something else.  I said, I don't want to find something else here..I want to wait and find something wherever we are going..I don't want to be here.  He says again that I am pressuring him to move when that is not what he agreed to.  OK..it's been 15 years..I didn't think I needed to put it in writing.  It was be with me...help me raise my kids...then I will move wherever you want.  Now he says...he only agreed to start LOOKING when both kids turned 18.  whatever, I am not going to argue semantics 15 years later. So tired of everything being a struggle every day. 

I'm not sure what is happening with me lately.  I am trying to be patient with myself since I quit smoking.  I'm not sure there is any information about the effects of quitting smoking on anxiety patients.  I am agitated and having memory issues again.  Yesterday I could not seem to make a decision about anything but kept trying to force something to work that was never going to work..essentially wasting hours.  I realized about 8pm last night that I had forgotten to take my meds and had to work hard not to let it send me into a panic attack. 

Part of the panic is realizing that after 15 years, he is the only constant person in my life.  The thought of not having him there completely freaks me out..even if it means we sleep in separate rooms.  That is when it hit me.  I'm not going anywhere,  I'm just going to keep sinking lower..I don't have it in me to leave again.  There is not one person in this world that has my back.  My mom is just not all there anymore and can only think of her own life.  While we were all there visiting we went to the natural history museum and she and her boyfriend just kept to themselves pretty much the whole time....like she wasn't even there to hang with her children and grandchildren.  Am I that selfish and just don't see it? Is Steve right that I am my own unhappiness?  Yeah, because I need something else to worry about.