Saturday

I managed to keep the panic at bay for most of last night and today.  It is coming up again though.  I can feel the tears behind my eyes but I am afraid to let them out for fear I won't be able to stop.  I managed to go look at a used washer and dryer and then go get some groceries.  It seemed like a good idea at the time.  Now I have no desire to cook.  The weight is back on my chest.  I bumbled most of the day away...vacuum a little, empty the dishwasher.  Hung one thing on the wall and then decided my heart was not in it.  Yes, I have a few friends that helped when I needed to move...but they all have their own lives and cannot spend every weekend trying to prop me up.  I texted my friend Jeanette to ask what she was doing this weekend...she asked if I needed help with something and I answered back that I didn't and was just being nosey as to what she was doing.  she didn't respond after that.  touche...it's true I only reach out to people when I need something.  I'm not a social person..I isolate..it's what I do.

I finally found the attachment for the vacuum so at least I am not drowning in pet hair.  Why couldn't he just love me more than the alchohol?  Why did I have to flip out and go out and cheat?  I wanted to force it to be over.  Guess I did a good job.  Now i'm living this fucked up existence. Awe..the little whiney girl turned her life upside down just because she couldn't get a little affection.  Broken, still broken, always will be broken.  Way to go dumb ass...