sat
it's hard to believe the body can maintain this level of panic. I am trying to go to that numb place where nothing and no one can touch me but I am having a hard time getting there. I have absolutely no one and no where to go. The studio that I had my eye on has been rented and the next one is not available til august. No one from the company got back to me so I am guessing that no answer is an answer in itself. the roommate thing is the only option I have left and when that window closes I guess I will beg my mom to let me sleep on her couch and leave my cats behind. I had a home...it may not have been happy, but I had one. I took a chance on someone that didn't even really want to be with me because for all my anger and hardness, I still wanted to believe that I could have a real relationship. I am the most stupid woman on the planet and now I am paying the price. I keep staring at the walls and trying to breathe through the panic. Today is Steve's birthday. I sent him a text. How can I still love him after everything? because I am sick and I am stupid and I get everything that I deserve. My eyes are nearly swollen shut and I am not even sure If I can get my contacts in today. Why couldn't I be content with the way things were?
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You sound like you know what you want, you have that at least. Work on that, focus on that. Even if it isn't going to plan. Make a new plan. Allow yourself to love. Allow yourself to feel anything. But just try to stay focused. Don't dwell on the bad things. I know that's pretty impossible. But you have cats. I always turn to my cats when things get bad. Big help! Even if they do just stare at you and meow for food. Just know that you're loved back. And you can get through anything <3
I seriously don't know how long I can maintain this. The panic is overwhelming and I have not been able to eat anything. I know I need to try. I tried to sleep but I can't. Can't stop crying. It's really devastating to realize that the people who said they would be your friend and would help you are not there. I just don't know how to make it through this. I keep trying to breathe. I talked to my mom for a couple of hours but she can't spend all day with me on the phone either. I must be such a disappointment to her...so weak.
I have not had such a horrible time in years...what was I thinking???? How could I have believed that anything good would come of this? there is something sooo wrong with me...so very wrong. I really am crazy...and alone..so so alone.
hang on let's back this up. Deep breaths! In with the good, out with the bad.... Take a few.
All is not lost. you're having panic and second thoughts, which I always have so i know that it can be absolutely mistaken.
You were not happy in the marriage and you have been trying to leave him for quite some time. So it's happened now, and you hadn't got your ducks in a row but that is life and you can still overcome it. Don't recriminate yourself. Don't be angry at yourself or think you've messed up. This is all good stuff. it's just that it's unexpected, and you maybe don't have much in savings?
Are you able to get a credit card, and go into some level of debt briefly to set yourself up. Mathematically speaking, and guessing at amounts; if you can only afford 775 a month and you have to pay 950 then that's a net loss of $175 a month, or $43 a week. That's not so bad. if you are going into debt in the short term at a rate of $175 a month, and you get a visa of $3,000, then that's quite a lot of time to get your act together, lower your expenses, sell your car and buy what you can for cash, that sort of thing.
I've been left sort of high and dry twice, and things I have learned along the way are to only pay cash for things like cars, to keep my credit card empty and just pay the six monthly access fee, I've learned to live simply when necessary. You can eat daal, it's quite easy to cook and delicious. Cats can be given dry food and told to kill things if they want fresh meat.
You will be living under your own steam, eating what you earn, that sort of thing. It's very clarifying and it's a good start for the new you.
it's also fantastic that loverboy has bailed. This is because you were not happy in your marriage, but you don't want to boomerang into the next unhealthy setup just to get out of the last one. Ask me how I know. You need time single, to go through all this anxiety and misery and come out the other side, a new you, forged in the fires of hell. Okay? And then the new Amazon-you can go pick out a mate. and she will want someone entirely different from what you want right now. Right now you'd be submissive and obedient. And he'd be a jerk. But in a year or two, you might be the jerk, and you might want him submissive. :D
or something... whatever it is, alone now is good. I got a lot out of it and you will too.
And don't be scared to ask your family for $50 a week for a short time to help. They might be able to manage that. Or not. But no harm in asking.
I've been alone really all along so I don't know why I am having so much panic. at some point you would think the adrenaline has to run out...doesn't it?
It does but from my experience the way I got rid of it was searching online for flats, searching online for cheap cars, cheap electricity, cheap food.
Going through all I could find. We have a site here called 'trademe' where you can buy cars, find flats (rooms to let? I am guessing at translation) and such. Jobs and so on.
I developed a written budget in excel which told me exactly how my wages were being chopped up. I pored over that spreadsheet for hours, trying to make the numbers crunch. I remember coming back to Wellington, which I did in Jan 2014, I had to find a new job, find a flat, and all before the money ran out... The stress was intense.
my sister told me at the last minute she wouldn't have me because her children were starting the school term (high school) and she didn't want them disrupted (I had a daughter in high school who was going to be very disrupted, so you can imagine how well I took that). I cried for nights over that. My mother didn't want me there and to prove a point went to stay in auckland while I was in her house. I think she was getting dementia but she's always been a giant cunt. I wept over that, too.
I remember finding out that I could only get a flat in the school zone I needed to get my daughter into at $350 a week. Oh wow. And here I was having to pay rent for self and daughter on a low paid, clerical job at 30 hrs a week. I had less in the hand after that than my mother did on her pension. She banged on about how poor she was, I told her damn straight one day. So rude: she had a 4 bedroom house, but didn't want to share because I invaded her space. fuck her space.. oops! :D :X :D
So here I was in this tiny flat paying all my wages on rent. There was just no money for anything. I self-soothed with that budget. I self-soothed googling things I could slowly sell, I sold my belongings one by one on trademe. That kept the wolf from the door for quite some time. We ate... very simply. I walked to work and my daughter walked to school.
Wellington travel costs are very high, so it was actually cheaper to live right in town in the smallest flat ever (420 sf ish, and half of that was stairwell as it was 2 up 2 down) and both of us walk to school/work than it would have been to live out of town and get transport. It was only $100 more a week, but travel would have been $120. So that's what we did.
My ex husband and I built a deskbed, that transformed from a desk to a bed for the daughter, because her room was too small to have both. Her room was pretty much the size of a double bed.
You are right: you have been alone all along, and there's something really clarifying about being alone on the outside as well as on the inside. It seems terrifying and you think it will be, but I personally found it an incredible relief in the end. I couldn't believe I'd fought all my life to avoid something that was such a relief. I don't think it's being alone that's bad. It's the isolation of being in a couple when you're not. It's the lie of it that would kill me.
Anyway I can talk far too much. I should be studying but I'm not. I should be preparing my tax return but I'm not... My anxiety levels are pretty high today too, i've taken beroccas, I've drunk heaps of water, nothing's shifting it.
Just create the budget - if you haven't already of course! Sit in a corner and do it. Even when you come out losing money on it, it still helps to know how fast you are losing money, and where you lose the most money, and what gaps you can stop up.
So thing 1: find out the cost of flats/bedsits/studios/rooms
Thing 2: find out the resale value of your car and calculate if you can sell with any profit. never buy a car on tick again; buy with cash and buy privately 2nd hand. :D sooo much cheaper.
Thing 3: find out what you can get off the bank in credit cards.
thing 4: got any assets or chattels you can sell? It is good to lighten your load, it is good to get some money.
How long before you have to move out? 2 weeks? 1 month?
Oh and if you smoke: now is a good pressure point to quit. Buy honeyrose cigarettes on line. Go cold turkey on nicotine but smoke the shit out of those honeyrose. They are cheap, but you have to make sure you have them in advance. If you can smoke while you quit smoking, it really helps!
i have already done all that. It's a holiday weekend here and nothing new being posted for rent. My mom is right, the panic is because I have nowhere to go and this new boy was being my anxiety lifeline and then just took that support away with no warning. I promised Steve that I would never reach out to him when I had a panic attack again and i won't ..especially now that he told me to get out. I hate not being in control and of feeling trapped. I just want it to be tuesday and have this damn holiday over with.
lol. you've ben posting about quitting smoking for months and I totally forgot. I'm so sorry, you must think I'm retarded (actually I think I'm retarded too).
Well, if you have already done all that, then the only thing I can think of to do is get out of the house, go aquajogging or climb a hill. You need a distraction, because there's nothing you can do right now to alleviate the cause of the attack.
Get yourself physically right out of your environment. How far can you go and how long for? Are there any overnight tramps near you? By near I mean an hr or 2 away. Far enough to get away from your context. A river walk anywhere? An old gold town?
If you can't do anything till Tuesday, then I'd get away from all triggers till Tuesday. :)
I thought about driving down to see my mom but it's seven hours and she has to work tomorrow all day. i'm at like 145 days not smoking or something like that. I do just need to find a new distraction..just don't feel up to leaving the house right now..gonna have to take these contacts out again...eyes are swelling closed again. It doesn't help that he is humming and happy to see me so distressed.