Same spin - different story

During an EMDR session two weeks ago,  I saw my younger self  spinning so fast she created a dilusion of herself.  

One that did not coincide with how she really felt.  But I felt her at that EMDR session.  I felt  intense sadness. 

Vulnerability -She felt the opposite of how she was acting.  I also felt so tired- performing - spinning -it takes alot of work.  

The adult in me wants to know the truth.  My younger self said this would only be done honestly - authentically - not in the

packaged wiht a bow way in which my adult self wants to receive her. 

For a while I did not know what that meant.  In my last EMDR session, my little self was telling me the benefits of having this secret . 

She admires  characteristics  possessed by the abuser - traits that she wants to have: smart, witty, strong, in control.  To do this,

I  had to become him,  so that I could mirror back what he wanted to see. So I could be treated well.  I dillusionally saw him as strong, 

an  unachievable goal -so smart - i could never be that smart.  so strong - so all knowing.   I tried to be him. 

What would the secret afford you asks my therapist.  Nothing authentic comes.  Instead my  current self wants to know that I was the victim -  

in my daydreams I use it as a medal - I use it to be special - and different and better than other people   I'm still spinning -

creating a dillusion of myself. same spin - different story. 

I worry that my  family is going to think i’m lying and that I make the claim of incest to get attention.  

They are right.  I want the attention.  I want them to love me finally.  I know my family, I wont get this

attention or love.  Therefore,  I need to be recognized by the world so that I can prove to my mom

and dad that I am worth love.  I want to use my younger self  as 

the protagonist in a famous memoir . I want to feel as though I deserve love.

If I really felt it - I wouldn’t crave it from the outside world. 

But how - do - you - love yourself?

It’s why I became someoen I wasnt to begin with.  to pretend to be worthy.   But the hole is so deep -

the gap between who I am and being worthy is too large - so I  sail in the opposite narcissistic direction. 

So - who am I?  I don’t know how to tell the difference between the person i make up and my authentic self.   

I can be narcissistic.  I need people to mirror back to me what I don’t feel authentically so that I can continue to fake it. 

I don’t know how to be real. But please know this - I'm really trying.  

My younger self refuses to come out playing the same game.  i need to be authentically sympathetic towards her.

It needs to come from inside of me.   I'm trying to be still - understand - stop pretending - stop spinning.  to start acknowledging

and liking who I am - and to start

believing  that person is worthy of just being.