sadding.......

sam & i got to dine with my brother and his lovely wife sunday evening......the company was good, the food so so!  expected more, but now i think my taste buds are off.  all food tastes kind of not so good......the restaurant was cute enough, but they tucked us......stuck us in a corner......i ammm in a mood.  my apologies.

my boss, Al......the founder, the executive director of AEE passed away on Sunday, so when i got home i had a message to call my longtime friend, Ruth.  her voice was so sad......i knew, i just knew.  i called sam to say i was home and to tell him that i was pretty sure al had passed away.

he struggled with brain cancer, GBM, for some time......i'm so thankful i had some time with him at the banquet.....time to say good bye in person. 

the temps dropped again so today was ro u  g h.  ugh.  i need to be at the funeral tomorrow, i want to be there, i know i can't manage it.  sam provided me with directions, but i know there is no way for me to do this.  i would have to leave two hours in advance to allow for me getting lost for awhile, then arrive at 11 am.  i don't know the area where the funeral home is so that greatly lessens my chance of success.....driving that far at that time in the morning.......makes it an extremely low probability/bad idea.

i should be there.  it's important.  sam didn't offer to drive me......and i can't bring myself to ask.  he should know this is not something i can manage at that time of day by now.  shouldn't he?  i read the directions he provided and my mind felt like white squiggles were swimming through.  it's all the way from my house to spaghetti junction then head towards chattanooga/birmingham.......and keeeeep going.  over an hour's drive.  if i knew where it was, if i could see it, i might be able to do it by midafternoon........but that hour of the morning?

time to pray, on my knees kind of praying.....cept my knees  hurt too much, i'll have to pray on my bum.......Lord forgive me my foolishness.  al was a good boss, he kept my career interesting, fulfilling.......fun, creative and busy.  i hated anything boring......and that was not a problem where i worked thank heavens!  i've been teary off and on today......thinking about not being there, feeling like the l owest of the lows for not figuring this out.......not feeling up to the face to face tears and sadness, t hen the gathering afterwards at Al's downtown condo......another place i  would not be able to find or navigate my way home again.  the world beyond my usual little running track is hard to deal with.......why don't i have a liftime limo driver?  seriously, why don't i?  why don't WE?

my brother and his wife have invited me to come visit them in DC.......what are the odds of that happening?  higher or lower than winning the lottery say........?  i haven't done any cards, no tree.......i did put the wreath up, and a few things Chrismassy on the mantle......a room i'm never in anymore.  it's not a living room these days, it's more of a wide wide hallway which holds a big couch and other stuffs. sigh.

miss you, appreciate you, love you more than life itself.........i really need to be there tomorrow.  Dear God, what can we do about tomorrow?  advice from on high appreciated.  i have clothes picked out just in case, gas in my car......but no stamina.