Sad...Lonely... Depressed.
For the first time in 5 years I'm single during the holidays and surrounded by couples... I feel so alone and I feel pathetic because I'm so down about it. Normally being single doesn't phase me, it's just hard during the holidays... Visiting family and having constant reminders... It's weird, I want to be in a relationship but the idea of meeting someone new, starting fresh, going through the motions of dating and becoming a couple... It all seems so undesirable... I think because there's only 2 people I really want to be with... Primarily Adam, as I always miss him and it's been getting increasingly difficult spending time together as we've been getting closer.. And Alex from Roosters.. He's an incredible guy but his ex messed him up and he's not ready to date...and it's hard to say if he'll ever see me as girlfriend material... I met someone online... I feel pathetic... He seems sweet, his name is Matthew.. I'm weary, the last guy I met online it failed miserably.. He was an ex drug addict, said he loved me when we had texted for 5 days, when I tried to politely discuss it and say he didn't love me but more so the idea of me he freaked out, and I found out he started doing drugs again... Initially I felt guilty but he was clearly looking for an excuse. Matthew seems sweet though..I'm supposed to meet him on Tuesday (Thursday night/Friday morning now - 2am).. I'm nervous... I really want companionship.. I had Will but that ended miserably... I just want someone to hold me, to cuddle, to spend time with and laugh with... I want to feel happy again.. I felt happy with Will.. He's just a cheating scum bag... But I felt truly happy for the first time in so long and I hate that he made me feel that way because now I feel empty anx alone.
Just thought I should add in, I'm managing alcohol really well, not drinking st home and hardly any when I go to the bsr (1 maybe 2 Smirnoff ice max)...granted I feel tipsy from 1 and by the end of the 2nd I'm getting drunk, uneasy stomach and all... I'm trying really hard to manage myself and I think I'm doing fairly well :)
Just thought I should add in, I'm managing alcohol really well, not drinking st home and hardly any when I go to the bsr (1 maybe 2 Smirnoff ice max)...granted I feel tipsy from 1 and by the end of the 2nd I'm getting drunk, uneasy stomach and all... I'm trying really hard to manage myself and I think I'm doing fairly well :)
Replies
Right after I finished that journal I wrote an angry message directed at Will that as I would love to send to him but won\'t.. This is what it says:
Will, I hate what you\'ve done to me... How you\'ve made me feel. You treated me like the only woman on the planet, you said you wanted to move here and be with me, I suppose I was just being naive in believing your promises were true. I trusted you and you hurt me. You hurt me and you hurt her. How could you? And to come into town after not speaking to me, and to cheat on her with me? What kind of person are you?! You made me feel like a home wrecker, but you came to me, you made me believe your relationship was crap and you were going to leave her...but that was never your intention. You just wanted a mistress to play around with, well I hope you had fun... I\'ll never forgive you. Because of you my heart is broken...I truly believed we could be something special and now I\'m trying my best to move on, to be happy but I looked to the future, I looked towards a future together and erasing that image is impossible!! You\'re a cheating bastard Will, that\'s all you\'ll ever be.