rough afternoon

I had to go out and run errands...I've been pretty much ok of late.  Last weekend was a nice visit with my mom that I needed very much.  The whole week I have felt behind and I guess that didn't leave much room for negative thoughts.  This morning I was still ok.  I had to go out and run errands since I was completely out of dog food and deal with my low tires and the dog was out of jerky.  I made myself go..  at first I thought I was just being lazy and procrastinating..then the weight started pressing on my chest again. The longer I was out, the worse it got, until I was sitting there crying in the Target parking lot.  This was our thing...the one thing we did together every weekend.  Suddenly I missed him again.  Stupid girl, he has already replaced you and is putting on the good show on facebook.  15 years meant absolutely nothing to him except to appear less of a drunk.  I thought I was past all this...I guess not.  I just did the bare minimum and went back home.  I have no heart to do anything anymore today..I know I need to do laundry and figure out something for dinner..I just can't seem to care. 

I feel so lonely that my chest is going to burst and yet I want to be alone...strange feeling. 

I was chatting with someone on a dating app this morning and we were making a coffee date.  Then he said let's just have a few beers and chill at your place.  I said I didn't drink and just like that it was done....he said nevermind.  Why do people always need alcohol to have a good time?  I know I am not ready to seriously date but it would be nice to have someone to just go do stuff with.   Maybe I am not meant to meet anyone in this godforsaken valley.  Maybe I am meant to go live near my mom. 

I hate this horrible feeling.  I wonder what it would have been like to have a dad that would just hug you and say it's going to be ok.  ...even if it won't