Rheumy and rain
Today's temp made it up to 40F. Wooo hooo...a heatwave. But it rained most of the day. It actually started sleeting about the time I had to leave to go to the doctor. (a 32 mile drive, that's what I get for living in MONKY)
At the doctor's office, my blood pressure was 99/70. Sorry, dr. neurologist, as long as my bp stays this low, I ain't never takin' no more blood pressure pills. (that's a triple negative, so I said what I meant to say in the first place)
My Rheumy wants to put me on Cymbalta. He said it's for depression (he didn't like the look on my face -- I looked depressed), but it will also help with the RA. Truth be told, I am somewhat depressed. I guess we all get that way, sometimes, especially with CFS, RA, Lupus and a host of other invaders coming in, mauling us, and stealing major parts of our lives. I still want to fight to get my life back, but I don't know how to fight it! I want to go hiking in the cliffs again......I want to go fishing --- I mean serious fishing, "all dayers when build a fire on the bank at night" fishing!!! I want to beat my daughter and my brother again at badminton and basketball! Okay vegans...close your eyes for this one ------ I want to strap on my .22 Reuger and shoot another raccoon, or an opossum, or a rattlesnake! I want to work, get a job --- I'm really, really tired of staying broke. Above all, I want to live again. I just want to be me again. Sometimes I really mourn for myself, and I wonder, am I really gone for good???? Do we all do this?
I remember seeing Cymbalta mentioned in some other DS people's jounals/profiles. I'll read up on it.
I left the Rheumy and went to 3 stores, including Walmart...in the rain. My muscles and bones hurt and I'm exhausted. I'm not crashing yet, but I can feel myself teetering, so I'm going to do an all-right-nighty-night early tonight.
At the doctor's office, my blood pressure was 99/70. Sorry, dr. neurologist, as long as my bp stays this low, I ain't never takin' no more blood pressure pills. (that's a triple negative, so I said what I meant to say in the first place)
My Rheumy wants to put me on Cymbalta. He said it's for depression (he didn't like the look on my face -- I looked depressed), but it will also help with the RA. Truth be told, I am somewhat depressed. I guess we all get that way, sometimes, especially with CFS, RA, Lupus and a host of other invaders coming in, mauling us, and stealing major parts of our lives. I still want to fight to get my life back, but I don't know how to fight it! I want to go hiking in the cliffs again......I want to go fishing --- I mean serious fishing, "all dayers when build a fire on the bank at night" fishing!!! I want to beat my daughter and my brother again at badminton and basketball! Okay vegans...close your eyes for this one ------ I want to strap on my .22 Reuger and shoot another raccoon, or an opossum, or a rattlesnake! I want to work, get a job --- I'm really, really tired of staying broke. Above all, I want to live again. I just want to be me again. Sometimes I really mourn for myself, and I wonder, am I really gone for good???? Do we all do this?
I remember seeing Cymbalta mentioned in some other DS people's jounals/profiles. I'll read up on it.
I left the Rheumy and went to 3 stores, including Walmart...in the rain. My muscles and bones hurt and I'm exhausted. I'm not crashing yet, but I can feel myself teetering, so I'm going to do an all-right-nighty-night early tonight.
Replies
I can identify that feeling of wanting your life back. We are at different points in that journey but the grief is common. Warm hug.
I would love to have that BP reading - even with pills my BP isn\'t the best - so no, don\'t take the pills you don\'t need! I hope you find out some helpful info on Cymbalta - if it can help with pain and depression that would be great. I can understand the loss you\'re experiencing - I\'ve gone through that many times myself. I realized this week that it\'s been 9 years since I left work after getting very sick after a routine surgery. I can\'t believe so much time has gone by. I just have to face things day by day or I\'d go crazy. I\'d love to see your gun carrying self shooting a snake - that would be amazing. I\'m going to remind you of a journal you shared with us recently - God isn\'t finished with us yet. I know He still has wonderful plans still in store for you!
the distance from today and that other life are a long ways away now.........but i still remember. it takes time to grieve........lots of steps, we have to be patient as we amend and adapt. that doesn\'t mean you have given up, it means that over time you figure out what your body can do now........in this moment and then in the next moment.
practice being present in the moment.
.......when you need to weep, weep..............when you need to mourn, mourn...........when you need help......reach out..........whatever you need seek it.......and find your way.
it must be very hard to relinquish the hold on all the amazing things you love to do........an outdoor girl, a love of adventure, nature..........a connection to the land.........the circle of life.
it\'s hard being benched from what you used to do for a living........at least that\'s my gut feeling based on what i know of you
.............for most of us even as sick as we are, we don\'t go gently into that good night. we fight as hard and as long as possible to do what it takes and even then we still don\'t know now to stop. we don\'t know how to fathom all these changes, what it means...........it takes time to find the way.
we have to go through every step and continue to revisit various stages.........mourning the loss of friends, our physical stamina, careers, activities we love, a normal social life.........there are so many things..............
even within the world of acceptance we still push to get out there and do because we still need some of that LIFE........that noisy, rambunctious yee haw throw your head back and laugh LIFE..........or to sit at the edge of the day and watch a glorious sunrise.......or see the moon casting a beautiful glow over this big blue marble at night.
it takes time, patience.................we\'re here for you and with you Pilot.......by the way I love the way you chose your online name.........direction and strength is what i think of every time.........big hugs........hang in there precious, thanks for allowing me a glimpse into your life and thanks for all of the support and smiles you\'ve shared with me....................p.s. keep us updated on the new medicine.......how it goes. soft hugs! praying for you, it\'s ok to feel however you feel whenever you feel it.........we\'re here and we listen. one more hug........!
A triple negative! OHMYGOSH! What is WRONG with you! I will have to let this slide, me being an English major an all.....just this once though....at least with that English insult, I still know that you can spel !!!! Goode thin you dint mes that upp!
I have some friends that do well with Cymbalta. I always say, if you haven\'t tried it, try it once. Usually we can tell right away what our bodies won\'t tolerate. And if it help....win/win!!
I do hear you about the missing life and the acceptance of it. I\'ve actually said outloud that I have accepted this illness. What a load of crap. Every event I miss, I\'m ticked off for weeks. I don\'t do the pity pot thing in front of my family. I really want THEM to believe that I\'ve accepted it. BUT, truth be told, I often wonder if I have. I still get angry very often. Not at God!! I know we all have our burdens to bear to help us grown, but I get angry that I think I\'m more advanced in acceptance than I am. Puh....work in progress....for sure!!
I\'m with you. Early nighty night for me too! Of course it\'s twenty to eleven and I\'m typing this to you. I am so incredibly weird!