Revelation.
I decided to read back on old journals, to see my growth, and what may have happened this time, years ago. I figured it out. I was pregnant this time, eight years ago. My husband and I are talking about starting a family, actively trying to get pregnant, and something in my brain clicked and made me feel absolutely inconsolibly depressed. I was pregnant. I miscarried on new years day, 2012, from an ectopic pregnancy. I haven't thought of it in years, I did counselling, I processed it, and I stopped ruminating. Here we are, my brain made the connection without my even realizing it. How do I explain this to my husband? He knows it happened, but I keep my online journals private, they're my secret sphere that no one knows exists. No one but strangers. I suppose I'll say I had a revelation, it occurred to me, after years and years. I'll cry, hopefully he'll hold me... hopefully he won't hold it against me. I have plans to see my ex who I was with when this happened.. that explains why now, why him, why I want to see him. I couldn't figure it out, I just felt the need to see him and made plans. Now I understand.
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Not sure what I expected to hear when I told him, but "do you want to stop trying?" wasn't it. He seemed indifferent. Was he mirroring my emotions? I tried to be stoic when sharing my revelation, maybe he thought it didn't matter? Or he didn't want to address that another man had gotten me pregnant and I intended to see that man later this week. He asked me if I was okay, but it didn't seem genuine. I don't know how I feel. I think I just need to process, maybe cry. I think I put too much pressure on telling him, I expected him to react a little more, to show me I could react. Sometimes I wonder...