Retreat!!!
All set for the retreat!!! So happy and looking forward to meeting more sisters and seeing those I have already met. I just can't wait!!!
Had a sad day yesterday. Went back to my hometown to see my family doctor. So many memories...I rarely go back to our old stomping grounds, knowing how painful it will be. I had my husband drive me simply because I was afraid of losing control of my emotions and not being able to safely drive home. I have not been to our old house since I lost Cassi. My husband took care of everything involved to get it sold and our new house is an hour and a couple of towns away.
The hardest part??? And I know this will resonate with soo many moms...the grocery store. She almost always went shopping with me at least once a week. I see her everywhere I look, I see the products I would buy for her everywhere I look. I was sad, quiet and thoughtful, however it went better than I had expected it to. Time has moved on for everyone else except me. My memories of her are of all of her ages combined as though I am looking through special "Mom" goggles that allow me to see my child simultaneously as five years old, fifteen years old, twenty years old. At 22, seeing her asleep I still saw the face of my infant, Baby Cassi.
In Geneva yesterday, is the dance school where she took her ballet lessons, the daycare centers where I would drop her off before work and leave crying just as hard has she was. There are the baseball fields at the city park where she played tee-ball and moved up in classes until she was a teenager...the gym where she practiced for the city league basketball team she played for. The Movie Gallery (closed down) where we always rented movies and Subway, next door, where we bought our food afterwards. The Chinese restaurant (she always loved Chinese)...small things made huge once she was gone.
She was special...my Cassi...so special.
Had a sad day yesterday. Went back to my hometown to see my family doctor. So many memories...I rarely go back to our old stomping grounds, knowing how painful it will be. I had my husband drive me simply because I was afraid of losing control of my emotions and not being able to safely drive home. I have not been to our old house since I lost Cassi. My husband took care of everything involved to get it sold and our new house is an hour and a couple of towns away.
The hardest part??? And I know this will resonate with soo many moms...the grocery store. She almost always went shopping with me at least once a week. I see her everywhere I look, I see the products I would buy for her everywhere I look. I was sad, quiet and thoughtful, however it went better than I had expected it to. Time has moved on for everyone else except me. My memories of her are of all of her ages combined as though I am looking through special "Mom" goggles that allow me to see my child simultaneously as five years old, fifteen years old, twenty years old. At 22, seeing her asleep I still saw the face of my infant, Baby Cassi.
In Geneva yesterday, is the dance school where she took her ballet lessons, the daycare centers where I would drop her off before work and leave crying just as hard has she was. There are the baseball fields at the city park where she played tee-ball and moved up in classes until she was a teenager...the gym where she practiced for the city league basketball team she played for. The Movie Gallery (closed down) where we always rented movies and Subway, next door, where we bought our food afterwards. The Chinese restaurant (she always loved Chinese)...small things made huge once she was gone.
She was special...my Cassi...so special.
Replies
I have no doubt that she was special..she was part you! I am glad that you are going to retreat. I would love to meet you...Lauri
Tight hugs Gina. Yes your Cassi was and is special, and you spent so many precious special times with her. Their memory both hurts and brings joy at the same time. How can that be?....I don\'t know but I know it is true.
(((HUGS)))
I really love hearing more about your Cassi and what she likes and all the places and things that remind you so much of her. Thank goodness for these memories that we have and a mother\'s heart that never allows us to forget... ever... The pangs too that come with those memories is all a part of this path. Deepest of sighs...
Tight heart (((hugs))) of care dearest Gina and I\'m with Cassi, as I LOVE Chinese food. :)
XO Joanie
Big hugs and love for you and Cassie
I like hearing about your daughter, too. They are so precious. I like the way you describe \"mom\'s goggles\". That\'s just how we see our kids, too. Babyhood through the present, my eldest is 52, for G-d\'s sake! I still see her braids and her school uniform. She always had the tiniest waist, and needed taking in. I sometimes think I was lucky to lose my son, Jacob, when he was 43. I\'d had him so many years. But, we want them for ALWAYS. And there\'s the rub. Love, abby
Hugs,
I love the way you worded it... you know how it is... someone else knows what I\'m feeling... the part about seeing Cassie at all her ages... Its both a curse and a blessing... I don\'t seek Cara out quite as desperately in every blond headed child, teen, young woman... even the other day in a poor young girl that frankly looked like she\'d been through the mill from self abuse... addiction to drugs/alcohol... and my heart breaking... wishing I was in a position to save her... to me I could see her beauty... and her pain... I almost miss the way though I saw her everywhere... then it was constant... now not so often... but I will always see her... and oh sometimes the longing to see her on the other side is hard... I can\'t and won\'t kill myself to hurry it... remembering the strictures from years back that I\'d go to hell if I committed suicide as well as the people I love on earth as well as in heaven that would not want this for me... no I\'ll bide my time on earth... sometimes I\'ll feel happy if only for a bit... a lot of time I\'m sad... but I am truly grateful to have been blessed and in a way still blessed... because I do believe at some point and time we will be a part of each other\'s lives again...
Speaking of the retreat... I think I sent you a message... I found your Cassie coke and will be bringing it for you. Hugs Elissa
The grocery store was (and is) still hard on me, too. My son could eat...always wanting me to fix this or that...all this \"favorites\"--
pepsi, black olives, juicy pear jelly bellies, oysters, raisin bran, honey nut cherios, gator ade, pickles, milk, buffalo hot wings,tacos...
love to you Gina...
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Oh Gina. You are so right. The grocery store is a tough one. I burst out crying when I saw Turkey Bites (a sneck Lisa loved). I cry a lot when i go to Ottawa to visit Cevyn. I see her everywhere.
I am looking forward to meeting you at the retreat.
Tight hugs, M
Hi Gina, the grocery store hurts like anything! So many things I cooked for Ed - his unique likes/dislikes.
Cassi is wonderful and special, always! Love, Linda
My son and I used to cook together. When he was learning he would come home from school and make what the chief taught that day. Boy did I have a large list some days. We used to have our best conversation in the kitchen. So till this day I hate to cook....
Your Cassi sounds great.
Hugs Penny
Yes I agree these memories are a blessing and a curse. I love to remember the special things they loved and yet now making them seems pointless. One day at a time, Peace, Kathy
So proud of you for doing this...visiting all the memories. All steps in the journey whether you realize it or not. Sometimes things are easier than we anticipate them to be. Take gentle care and I l9ok forward to meeting you at the retreat.