Reminders
Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am here on DS for a reason. I am broken, sick, unable to mend.
There is something very wrong with me that I cannot cry anymore.
It's Sunday...which means it's usually the worst drinking day. It was worse than usual tonight. On top of being drunk, he cut his finger while making dinner. He is on blood pressure meds and it's very difficult to get the bleeding to stop. It's a good thing that blood does not really bother me...although the way it kept going reminded me of when I cut my hand so badly when I was 19.
We were trying a new recipe and didn't have a backup plan....mistake number one. It was super spicy and my hands still burn from cutting up the peppers.
Trying something new on Sunday when he's going to drink more...Mistake number 2.
I told him to sit down and keep the pressure on while I finished dinner. I am pissy and stressed. He thinks it's because I am worried about his cut. I am pissed...and so tired of this horrible Sunday routine. I don't want to eat dinner at 8pm...and I sure as hell don't want to spend the evening in the emergency room if we can't get the bleeding stopped. I am pissed and not worried...that's a bad sign, I know.
He keeps pushing to know why I am so mad...I KNOW BETTER...NEVER engage the alcholic when they are drinking....but I can't help it..I say..can you even hear the slur in your voice?????...yep Mistake number 3.
He starts ranting that we are done...AGAIN...I just calmly say OK. I am the one that is done. ...I can't live this way. He gets mad and tells me he is going to stay up in the bay tomorrow and in fact may not come back at all..(Yeah right, I can't get that lucky). I just say OK again.
After a while he calms down enough to let me look at the finger. It has slowed down some and I am able to get a bandaid tight enough to keep it from bleeding out. I clean up and put dinner on the table..he picks at it as I know he will and says he's done. I'm not even done cleaning up the kitchen when he goes out...He's laying on the floor sleeping right now and I'm sure at some point he will wake and crawl into his regular bed...our couch.
I try to read a few minutes but then I think...I need to get this down. Why can't I cry??? I need to remind myself what this was like and how sick I am ...and that I belong here on DS because there is something very wrong with me.
Replies
My whole post just fried. Will redo it when I get home. Cannot stand typing on my phone!!! Xx
home now - this is what I was trying to say. . . that you don't have to wait for pure hatred to set in to break up with someone. You can just sit down and say 'we're not actually making each other happy' and shake hands, and tell each other you'll always be there for each other, and just sort of politely move apart.
I learned this AFTER my marriage of 17 yrs broke up. because I waited for that blinding moment of clarity that would make leaving make sense... and what I got was a point just short of suicide where I realised that breaking up was a survival issue. It was change my context, or die. And I hadn't had a chance to live yet, it would be pretty suck to die at that point.
You and hubby make each other miserable. He's miserable, hiding in a bottle. You're miserable, too. Nobody here is happy.
If you can't get couples counselling then I don't see much of a future for you, but I don't actually think either of you wants one together, do you? You both seem keen to pull the plug.
So what's stopping you?