Remembering Justin
Hey guys,
I feel like I have a bunch of new friends. Thank you for making me feel so welcome!
A little about me. Justin's Dad and I divorced in 1999. Justin has an older brother, Jeremy and a younger sister, Summer. The divorce was very hard on my children For many reasons and I was also was having some health problems during that time. I had been a stay at home mom and had homeschooled the kids for several years. I was divorced for 10 years and I remarried in 2010 but less than 4 years later we decided to part ways as marriage partners but have remained great friends. Joe has been with me every step of the way since Justin's death.
Let me tell you a little about my Justin. He was 32 when he took his own life on 6/26/15. He had struggled with depression for many years and the last couple of years he had self medicated a lot and became addicted to heroin. We think he thought he could use it recreationally. But most of us know that heroin is deadly and you are playing with fire. My Justin was a risk taker and he liked to live life his way On his terms. Before heroin, alcohol was very important to him so I believe the affects of the alcohol and drugs relieved some of his depression and anxiety. Many of his friends fell away as he became more dependent on these chemicals to function.
But let me back up a bit because when Justin was around 17 he found music. He had become someone who loved to listen to music and he had his favorite bands. I remember him telling me how much he wanted to play music and that's when he started playing the drums and he also took up the guitar. He had some lessons but he was largely self taught but he worked at it like a part time job. Music became very important to him. He had many girlfriends as he was the quite ladies' man and he told me that he always told his girlfriends up front that music was his 1st love. During this time, he appeared very happy. He also found exercise around this time and for several years he did some serious weight lifting. I believe that music and exercise helped Justin achieve some balance during those years.
He had always struggled with academics and he had learning disabilities but he was very athletic and was quite a good soccer player. I remember that after we moved to Alabama, Justin tried out for a traveling league and was able to play with them for a few years.
Justin was an avid outdoors person as we had always camped and hiked as a family. We also started backpacking together. When Justin was 17 and Summer was 14, the three of us backpacked into the west realm of the Grand Canyon. We had continued to go camping twice a year usually in October and March (around Justin's birthday) here in Alabama. In fact we went camping last March 2015. I'm so glad that I took the time to do something he loved so much.
So I'm not angry and I don't ask why because I do understand and I know why and I accept his choice to end his own life. But what I do have is this deep, deep sadness that he's not here anymore and we will never have another birthday or camping trip with him. He lives now in my memory. I loved Justin with all of my heart even when he was at his worst. We all tried to help but he had a lot of pride. So I decided to love him even when his choices were clearly not good for him. And that has been a gift for me. I believe he is at peace now and is being healed and loved by angels and i forward to meeting him again.
I feel like I have a bunch of new friends. Thank you for making me feel so welcome!
A little about me. Justin's Dad and I divorced in 1999. Justin has an older brother, Jeremy and a younger sister, Summer. The divorce was very hard on my children For many reasons and I was also was having some health problems during that time. I had been a stay at home mom and had homeschooled the kids for several years. I was divorced for 10 years and I remarried in 2010 but less than 4 years later we decided to part ways as marriage partners but have remained great friends. Joe has been with me every step of the way since Justin's death.
Let me tell you a little about my Justin. He was 32 when he took his own life on 6/26/15. He had struggled with depression for many years and the last couple of years he had self medicated a lot and became addicted to heroin. We think he thought he could use it recreationally. But most of us know that heroin is deadly and you are playing with fire. My Justin was a risk taker and he liked to live life his way On his terms. Before heroin, alcohol was very important to him so I believe the affects of the alcohol and drugs relieved some of his depression and anxiety. Many of his friends fell away as he became more dependent on these chemicals to function.
But let me back up a bit because when Justin was around 17 he found music. He had become someone who loved to listen to music and he had his favorite bands. I remember him telling me how much he wanted to play music and that's when he started playing the drums and he also took up the guitar. He had some lessons but he was largely self taught but he worked at it like a part time job. Music became very important to him. He had many girlfriends as he was the quite ladies' man and he told me that he always told his girlfriends up front that music was his 1st love. During this time, he appeared very happy. He also found exercise around this time and for several years he did some serious weight lifting. I believe that music and exercise helped Justin achieve some balance during those years.
He had always struggled with academics and he had learning disabilities but he was very athletic and was quite a good soccer player. I remember that after we moved to Alabama, Justin tried out for a traveling league and was able to play with them for a few years.
Justin was an avid outdoors person as we had always camped and hiked as a family. We also started backpacking together. When Justin was 17 and Summer was 14, the three of us backpacked into the west realm of the Grand Canyon. We had continued to go camping twice a year usually in October and March (around Justin's birthday) here in Alabama. In fact we went camping last March 2015. I'm so glad that I took the time to do something he loved so much.
So I'm not angry and I don't ask why because I do understand and I know why and I accept his choice to end his own life. But what I do have is this deep, deep sadness that he's not here anymore and we will never have another birthday or camping trip with him. He lives now in my memory. I loved Justin with all of my heart even when he was at his worst. We all tried to help but he had a lot of pride. So I decided to love him even when his choices were clearly not good for him. And that has been a gift for me. I believe he is at peace now and is being healed and loved by angels and i forward to meeting him again.
Replies
thanks for sharing Justin.... love and hugs..... Nora
Thank you Deanie for sharing Justin with us. So many moms here know personally the battle with addiction. Your loss is so recent so of course you will feel a deep sadness for things missed with Justin. You have talked so openly about his circumstances and I feel this will help you along the way. I did want you to know that we also have a closed Facebook group that you may want to join as well. Each site offers different types of support. Again...so glad you are here.
I also want to add that I do believe that I will continue a relationship with Justin on a spiritual level but I will greatly miss his physical form. Already I feel his loving presence and in some ways I feel closer to him now than when he was alive.
I enjoyed reading about Justin and you. I am so very sorry for your loss. Yes, we do miss their physical form immensely but most of us feel a spiritual connection sometimes in \"winks\" or \"signs\". I am glad you are feeling that with Justin now. This is a great group of ladies who are supportive in so many ways. Sending love your way. Leda/MomofJosh
I\'m so grateful to read your first journal about your family and Justin. I have no doubt that Justin is a very sensitive soul and wanted to do it \"his\" way and if it meant self medicating to feel okay in this world then that is what he did. I understand this path very intimately because I too lost my son, Douglas, to a drug overdose seven years ago. Deepest of sighs...
The roller coaster ride of emotions and feelings is always there and to know that whatever is coming into your BEing for that moment is what it needs to be for now. This landscape is forever changing and each of us needs to find our tools that we can use that offer us much needed support.
One of my most powerful tools is this community of sisters of the heart (soths) and doing as many self nurturing things for myself that I can because I have found that so much energy is used on all levels when healing. Also, knowing that I don\'t want walk this path alone and have my beliefs, companions and in my quiet and reflective moments I try to feel gratitude for the almost twenty-five years I had my son on this earth side. All of this takes time and each of us are unique so allow yourself much grace and wiggle room.
I\'m grateful for your presence here and hope that you will continue to feel warmly welcomed and if you have any questions or concerns as to how to navigate the site be sure to not hesitate to ask. We have a ForMomsOnly discussion section where many kinds of group messages are found and do take time to look at our website if you have not done so already because there is a resource section that contains some books and articles that I have found very helpful and also basic information about our founder, Barbara, retreats etc.
Loving care your way and thank you again for sharing.
Joanie/Mom of Douglas
Thank you for sharing Justin\'s story with us. He sounds like an exceptional and extraordinary young man. I saw so much of my son Jared in your journal as well. So many similarities. Jared also suffered with depression turning to alcohol and prescription drugs to self medicate. It was the combination of both that ended his physical life.
Jared also loved music and taught himself how to play the guitar. He loved the outdoors and hiking/camping and unfortunately a risk taker, taking bad risks.
Yes, Justin lives in your memory as Jared in mine and they are both at peace and being healed and loved by angels. I truly believe that and I also know that I will be reunited with my son when it\'s my turn to shed this body.
Thank you once again for a sincere and heartfelt journal. Putting our thoughts into words helps us to heal.
Hugs and Peace,
Diane
Your Justin sounds like an awesome guy. I\'m so very sorry that he suffered with depression & addiction. Sounds like he was able to find some balance in his life with music & exercise/sports.
My 2 sons also suffered with depression/bipolar & addiction. They both passed away from accidental prescription drug overdose just one month apart. Chad was 26 & Jeremy was 32. My heart goes out to you as I can relate to your story.
You are right....our sons are at peace now & forever in our heart.