Remember

I have to remember that everyday I don't drink is a victory.  and also, just be grateful always for my life.  I am pretty good at not getting caught up in the rat race these days or keeping up with the Joneses.  I mean, my last journal was about my jealousy over my friends jet-setting liftestyle, but all in all I know I am being a snob by harboring such feelings.  I really do have such gratitude for my lot in life, and really just wish everyone else had the opportunity to have access to noursihing food, a cool house, and free time to manifest their full potential.  A lot of the world does not have that.  And that makes me sad.  

So tomorrow is my birthday.  I will be 31.  I am not going to drink.  Even as I write that in the back of my mind somethign is whsipering to me saying "oh really??? are you sure?".  I really need to have a game plan.  I just want to throw myself into my work and also work out.  I need to remember when I don't drink and I do the opposite--when I work toward the future I want and also strengthen my body--that this is what is going to pay off, this is what is sustainable.  Drinking will be fun for those first.....let's see maybe 3 to 5 hours.  Then I'm going to black out and fuck something up or fuck some random person i'm not even into (let's be honest), and then reach the territory where I relcutantly buy more alcohol in order to ward off the impending hangover/feelings of guilt/self-loathing........and all of this will cost money that I worked hard for and could buy me other things I need.  So I'm not doing it.  Nope.  Not for my 31st birthday I won't.  This is going to be different.  

This is one week that I haven't drank since my last time.  Last time wasn't too bad, it was just one night.  So I've been going long intervals without drinking.  A couple weeks to a couple months.  I can't sneeze at that.  Just 5 years ago I was on the street begging for money and drinking all day long.  Four locos and steel reserve and hurricanes and cheap Vladmir vodka.  yup.  doing a lot better now.   

two days ago, i hung out wtih this guy i had met on a tinder a couple months back but hadn't met in person.  i had gotten off tinder but kept his instagram and we kept liking each other's pictures and kinda talking here and there (i would message him when i was drunk and make plans to meet up the next day and then cancel cause iw as hungover).....anyway i told him about my alcohol problem and he actually was an alcoholic too but has beat it.....he's a professional muay thai fighter here.  like trains 7 hours a day.  travels the world using his prize fighting money...china, korea, and now thailand.  it was a big deal for me to meet up because i get really nervous about that kidn of shit, yet at the same time really need to branch out and meet cool peeps!  so that is a win i even followed through with it.  he seemed to really like me when i had him over the other day, he is from harlem and just is really real and arituclate and kind....like, he's from the projects but has made this life for himself.  set up a gym in ehtiopia recently and lived there for like a year.  he's my age too--31.  anyway, he hung out in the afternoon and we smoked weed and then he had to go to training.  we talked for a few hours just about life, it was good conversation adn he was really sweet and i felt fairly comfortable with him.  i just don't know how i feel about guys and my sexuality these days......he's a really sexual person i know, and i actually like that in a guy.  if a guy isn't sexual enough then theres no sexual tension because when i'm sober i'm not really forthcoming at all so i rely on the guy to bring that to the table....cause i actually am a pretty sexual person.  i dont' know though, we were talking a lot about sex (i'm super open about the topic--hell i've been a sex worker and a stripper and i'm an antropologist in general) and he called me an "oldhead"!  i thought that sounded so harsh, i went to correct him by saying no, no i'm an "old soul" or "old fashioned" but then i stopped myself to consider if it was true, if i was oldhead....mabye i am when it comes to sex these days.  i just want a soul connection and lovely lovemaking.  none of this sex toy shit and s&m shit.  i can only get into that shit if i'm on drugs or alcohol.  hahaha, which i'm open to, but at this point in my life, sex is not my focus i suppose. only love making. 

anyway, he came back to my house later on around 11 pm but i was stoned and acting really weird and in my pajamas....i was being kidn of abrasive. i don't know i was in a weird mood hahaha.  but i think he wasn't into me so much after the evening get together.  i texted him in the morning and he didn't text me back til late last night.  who knows.  i'm kinda glad he didn't text me back right away so i had time to reflect on the stiuations and not just rush into that "ohhh i'm texting a guy ooohhhh maybe he's the one" thing.  cause he's cool and shit, but i have to ask myself....am *I* really that into him?  the answer is....kinda.  but i hvae other shit on my plate.  i'm just super impressed he is so successful and independent.  but i'm not going to front and just have sex with him right away to get him to like me.  i decided that.  but..... yeah, actually i think he's pretty cool......so i hope he likes me and we stay in touch but i'm not throwing myself into it. 

ok, well let me get started.  have to volunteer to teach for my visa!   after today's class i am done my volunteering for january for my visa!  i did not miss my volunteering so this is a big win in my book.  

the one thing that is presenting a problem is my bookings are way down for my online english-teaching job.  after my no-show with the electricity going out last week, a lot of students remeoved bookings for me that they had this week, and i have *no* bookings for next week which at this time i usually have quite a few.  having a "no-show" on the record can really harm booking rates, and i have a bunch of no-shows at this point (from an alcohol binge a while back).  so i'm nevous.  i might have to get another job, but what can i do?  there are plenty of other companies that i can work for to teach english online, and I have experience so I'm sure I will get hired....whether they are as cool and easy and high paying as this company is another story.  it is disconcerting though.....but it will be what it will be and i will just seize this extra free time to work on my own business.  It's coming!  I'm doing it.  On Monday I go to Bangkok too which I'm stoked about.....Early Monday morning I arrive and then will leave 8 pm on Wednesday night.  I am going to see a documentary about the ruesees in Thailand......here, maybe Impermanence, this will interest you!  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G9mgDcf2sxY&t=4s