relapse is worse, trigger warning

hi, glad i am finally journaling, i hope somethng helps. i have been in relapse for about 4 months, maybe more. to much stress, anxiety, anger over thingas i cant control that i not meanng to in the beginning but i started to eat less. now it has evolved into purging even at work. maybe it is because i dont have an exercis outlet i dont know but i hate myself for doing this and know it is so bad for me. i have been to the dr. and she wants me to add 400 calories to my day and since i  saw her i have gotten worse, that is when the purging started to come more often. i never thought i wuld do this, ever, i did purge through exercise for years. i still walk a lot but on really cold days i dont and i have to feel justified to eat more and just sitting here i feel bad not ding something and i worked all day. in some ways i dont realy care but i will be a first time grandma in september i should want to be healthy. am i doing this for attention, to have people notice me, though i hate it when my daughter talks to me about this, why dont you get over it etc... do i want to be sent away to te hospital?? i wouldnt think so bit why then dont i care? i dont love myself much at all, think i am stupid, ugly and not worthy. i know i am not heavy, i know i am thing and i know i am feeling things from this, i get dizzy at times, so i eat some saltines at work. i do have my lunch bit not the full lunch i used to and dinner is about the same. i feelso weak and out of shape, things i had no trouble lifting are so hard know. i need to go workout somewhere and build muscle, am i totally contradting myself ? maybe i want to get put on disability as i hate my job so much, i wouldnt get as much but i wouldnt be there. so many questions...... haqve to think of some thngs to do before i settle down in a cuple to read, why am i like that?