Regrets
Do I regret the paranoid decision to delete all the journal entries from Corona's Crowning and ? ? ? whatever day it was that I worked the delete frenzy. The paranoia remains fairly intense, complete with the addendum that it isnae paranoia if **They** really are out to get ya. There benae a doubt in my mind that many a germaphobe really is out to get me. I can give some of **Them** names and/or faces, but I work pretty hard to disregard **Them**, altogether. My work in animal husbandry, remodeling and bio-remediation donae afford me the luxury of medical office sterility practices. "Luxury" be as good a name for those practices as any. My strictly personal senses get allot more squeamish over handling buckets of open chemical concentrates than they do when I am hauling wagons of chicken shit. A peanut gallery of idle germaphobes cackling on the sidelines doesnae make either job easier.
I donae regret deleting my emotional processing of the global shutdown, but I be sorely tempted to regret deleting the details of the Normalizing onboard my little of fools. The Grandfamily? The Foster Family? It be 23 months after the children arrived in the heat of a protective custody shuffle. . . 22 months since the double funeral which redefined The CPS Case, entirely. . . Still we lack clear and easy ways to say the dynamics of our 5 person collective. The "Farm Assistant" who came onboard around a year ago has bonded deeply enough with the children that the heartstrings are tugging to include she and her teenaged son as crew members of our little ship of fools. Her son remains a mystery to us, but teenagers are often a mystery to all, themselves included. He be important to her and that be enough for us.
Replies
peace arfie! I hope you can take maybe take some deep breaths and focus on that to help carry you through.
Wow it's hard to believe it's almost 2 years.... I am so glad that you have some help now Arf
Gentle hug... Paranoia is awful.... I have had it pretty bad years ago and was put on a med... one of the old zines for a couple of months and it helped a great deal... I'm not sure if you'd want to go that route but it helped me.... Another hug sweetie...xo
That period of time was really just chaos for everyone... the shutdown happened so quickly, and no one knew how long it would be or what it would look like. On top of that, everyone's individual lives continued. Making sense of it all it something that I would imagine will continue for some time for most of us... especially as things start to get a little uncertain again. A mad rush to delete journal entries doesn't diminish the experiences and the processing that they represent... if anything, it was just part of the process.
May you continue to sort through all that has happened and make what sense of it you can. Sending peace and balance...
Meds might have been a valid assist on this trail of tears, but I wasn't established with a local med net when the global shutdown drama began. One of many problems out of the starting gate. I was on the hunt for adult medical/psychiatric help when Corona Crowned. My mask phobia and the hearing issues which make teleconferencing problematic for me put that system beyond my social margins.
Coronaville is fading in my area, but I'm still having a hard enough time provisioning, etc., under the new rules. I haven't found the courage to approach the sponsors (medicos) of this cultural instability. I'm not sure I care to learn the tele-med-system. For now, street drugs are far more accessible to me than the legal ones. Haven't gone there yet, but probably will before I do the masky dask.
Prayers in progress that I can handle the bouts of paranoia being triggered by this bold attempt at honesty. Those masked control freaks are carrying needles these days and are still lobbying for the right to force them at their phobic discretion.
I was put on Perphenazine with Cogentin for any side effects... It brought me back down to earth within a week I felt good and I really didn't have any side effects... I hope that you're able to get some help soon... ..
My GP actually ordered it for me while I was waiting for a pdoc years ago... She called a psych hospital and talked with a pharmacist there and this is what his recommendation was
As I understand it, my first step in that chain of command would be finding a local GP. I don't have one in this area, so I'm starting with nothing but my paranoia to guide me. I'm scared shitless on the new questions I don't even have words for. Are you masked? Are you more socially distant than ever? Are your televised consultations close captioned for the hearing impaired?
Sigh. . . Medical parks were scary, stinky places before Corona. For now, I believe I'll keep my increased social distance.
The good news is that our little ship of fools seems to be finding more support in the non-medical community. My 3 orphans are far from the only socially deprived children in Coronaville. For now, formal med therapy doesnae seem worthy of pursuit.