Reflection

I look back on my life and it's amazing the amount of growth and change in have gone through in the past 20 years. I used to be naive and gullible. I didn't realize the affect I had on others and made some dumb choices and chose my words poorly. I think back to the people that meant the most to me and while we don't speak anymore they have had a profound impact and influence on my life. Looking back I can see and understand how 99% of my romantic relationships never even had a chance of working out. It wasn't about lack of options like I thought it was. It was about a lack of me being true to myself because I didn't like who I was. I know I hurt a lot of people and while I apologized I always had a hard time realizing what I did wrong in the moment. With Rae, I didn't give as much as she gave me. I didn't feel about her the same way and I couldn't be what she needed. I wasn't sympathetic to her trauma and didnt want to grow out of my jealousy. With Beth, we had some chemistry but I saw her more as a challenge. I felt like a hunter stalking it's prey. Manipulating and pushing her to be something she would never be. With Kate, I was looking to get laid and hurt her in the process.  I said things I didn't mean and did things I wasn't proud of. When it came to a certain someone I really did feel like a predator stalking his prey. I manipulated her emotions and I even lied a couple of times to test her after we started dating. I played the long game knowing that we would eventually start dating even if it took a year or two. Looking back now, I realize that we weren't meant to be with eachother but we taught eachother some valuable lessons and helped us become the people we are today. Hopefully both of us are happy and successful in our endeavors. I played a bad game with this girl and I paid the price but it's obvious now that it was meant to be and led me to to the person I have been with for 7 years now. The person that I decided to be 100% genuine with and that accepted me for all of my flaws both past and present. While I sit here in my hotel room 3000 miles away from her and our daughter waiting for us to close on a house so they can move out here I can't help but be thankful for all of the previous relationships and mistakes I've made because it's led me to them. To this moment where I can be myself, I'm in a good job that I excel at and everything seems to be looking up. 20 years fly by and so much has changed in that time. I can't wait to see what the next 20 bring.