recap and regroup
I went back and read through some of my recent journals this morning. 28 days ago I posted that I told him I was tired of him snapping at me all the time. Twice since then I have posted that he has done it again. No wonder I like it so much when he stays in the bay area overnight.
Last night was not much different. He got home about 7. I put my tablet down and went to say hi and usually we hug. He said hi, and turned around and walked away.....OK...so this is how this night is going to go. Whatever. I am angry with myself that I still let it hurt my feelings.
He went out into the garage to light a smoke and check the mail. I followed, as per usual, but he was just tense and quiet. When I asked about his day, he said he was just tired. I didn't say much and just left him alone. By the third beer he started to be nicer. It popped into my head that he is jonesing for a drink....that's why he's so snappy. As he was making dinner he was mumbling to himself about what to have tomorrow. When we started the week, he said he was staying up there on Weds night. I said, are you not staying up there tomorrow? He said, I can sleep in my truck if your boyfriend is coming over. Such an ass. I said, whatever, I just wanted to know about dinner. If he's not coming home then I don't have to wait to eat dinner til 8 or later.
We are supposed to go to my co-worker's wedding this weekend. While we ate dinner he brought up the places they are registered and volunteered to clean the kitchen(which is usually my job), so I could look at gift options. So...you have a few beers and now you want to be nice to me and i'm just supposed to be radiantly happy now? I don't think so.
Did I mention that I hate that he can still hurt my feelings??? GRrrrrrrr!!!
I went to bed and he slept on the couch, as usual. I want to be done with school but I am also afraid of when that day comes. I know I will need to make hard decisions about this relationship(or lack thereof) when that day comes. I'm pretty sure I know how this is going to go. It was a chance I took when I moved back in 3 years ago. I know if I had not given this a second chance I would always have wondered. I know I am no peach to live with either. I have plenty of issues of my own. If I felt like we were really good friends and slept in separate rooms, maybe I would feel differently. All I ever feel anymore is empty and lonely or angry.
the other thing I noticed as I re-read my journals is that I made a lot of typing errors and my english professor would be horrified to know, that I am still comma deficient. LOL
Replies
u deserve better, u don't need to wait on him (ive done the same thing!) sometimes when we want to turn the tables we have to turn them ourselves, do the opposite for one week and see if anything changes, make dinner when u r hungry, he can heat it up whenever he decides to come home. Don't follow him, in fact -try ignoring him, the best way to get a mans attention is to ignore him (silly games- it works though, youll see) let him wonder about u, let him come to u, when he walks in, don't even get up, bite your tongue, make him earn your attention, notice everything I say is about him? because that's what your focus is on, these little actions will help u think about yourself. Relationships are a reflection of what we believe about ourselves, when we believe we are worth more, we attract more. For me personally I always notice that in relationships when I am most independent the man fights for my attention and works for it, and then when I start focusing on them and everything is about them, I lose myself, and the man becomes comfortable. How to find that balance is the million dollar question, Ive taken a hiatus from relationships for a moment to focus on my health, and I feel so much more centered and at ease. When and if I am happy, I am responsible for, I can make myself happy or miserable, either way, its in my hands, its such a powerful realization, if I could go back in time, I would tell my former self, stop trying, we know when to walk away, but we hope. Place that hope back into YOU. ps) my spelling has been atrocious in journals too LOL - the good thing about journaling is we can go back and see where we were and see if we are headed in the right direction, selfdiscovery.. best wishes 2 u..xoxoxo