rebirth
In today's meditation practice I felt the usual steady stream of anxiety that sweeps through me. Its strength acting as a framework bolstering my body up as though my bones are made firm by it. If I let go and relax, my bones fill with liquid and I turn to goo. I'll need to learn how to feel strong without fear. I feel pregnant, like my guts know that something is about to be birthed. I want to push it out - the truth.
My digital self appears again - digital Belle. She is in fifth grade and produced by real belle in order for real belle to hide. She looks at me and says, “I’m not going anywhere until I get the credit I deserve. Can’t you see how far we’ve come together? I am the reason we could move forward. after all - I'm YOU. While it’s true that this may be an extreme form of ego, we were challenged with an extreme situation - how else could it be? I am exactly what you needed. you can't just simply wish me away? “
No picking. No choosing. No saying this is ok, this is bad, this needs to go away, this stays. All need love.
Replies
There were times I had inner children care for and protect other inner children. In fact, some were created specifically to be a protector for the other child. I mention this because the way you describe the conversation with digital Belle makes me wonder if she is a separate inner child. One specifically created to protect 'center' Belle.
When Digital Belle talks to you are you able to have a conversation with her?
It's really surprising to read that your fear makes you feel strong. My fear makes me feel weak and permeable. Anger used to make me feel strong.
In a book I read about Internal Family Systems they say that all the inner parts (inner children and others) are afraid of being extinguished. They say that if a part is performing a function that now seems counter-productive, we can give them a different job to do. They have all acted for our benefit and all deserve to be appreciated and loved.
I am not sure why you think this is ego. What do you understand by the word "ego"?
Thanks Donnawanda and LuckyEmpath for your comments. LE - I was not able to have a conversation with digital bell at first. she would appear out of no where like a spiritual priestess of sorts (only 10 years old) expecting a congregation to watch her and for her to "perform" for them. acting all knowing. and then she would just disappear. it was strange. Then on a different occasion, I noticed that she was being "created" by Belle. She would spin so people would not see her and digital belle was formed. she is much more arrogant - bouncy- entitled. She hates the mom - calls her a bitch - feels she is better than the mom. it is only recently that digital belle is addressing me. She claims to have been manifested from sadness and fear but she herself is not sad or in fear. can you tell me more about a "separate" inner child and how that relates to belle? DW - Is there a difference between fear and anxiety? I "sense" that fear is something my brain "knows" . Anxiety - is a constant tingling that jolts me up. the dad always made fun of the mom for being depressed and in bed all the time. I'm afraid of that. so I get up - and I move. maybe it's me in fear of the dad? When you say "extinguished" you are referring to digital belle. That's a great idea - a new job! hm.. but what? she is the one that also carries the anger. I feel as though I need to somehow merge digital belle and real belle. each are at an extreme. or will they remain divided? i'm not sure.
sorry - on last comment DW about "ego". I feel that digital belle is "ego" because she is more worried about appearances. she is worried about how the real belle will be perceived. In fact, she once told real belle that she was embarrassing digital belle and for real belle to keep quiet - and out of the picture as to not embarrass digital belle. Digital belle is a performer - real belle is lost in sadness.