Realizing what never will be ...
At the end of this month I turn 50 years old. Wow ~ not sure where that lifetime went but here I am. 30 never bothered me ... 40 didn't even phase me yet somehow this milestone makes me feel like there's a lump in my throat. I know enough to know I can't stop it, I joke about it with everyone around me yet inside there's that hesitation. All I wanted to do was to stay alone and in the dark all day yet that's not happening. Work has an all day meeting, then flu shots at work and a work day that will likely top 12 hours after having to stop in the office after all that. (cough cough) maybe I'll be sick.
I think more than Randy Lee's 31st birthday on September 12, more than work being so hectic, more than all the rain and depression weather and more than the enormous work load that only seems to grow by the day ... there's something inside of me that's just slightly more sad than normal.
It's there, it's not hidden yet no one seems to notice. Maybe they do and just don't want to speak the words for fear they aren't right but being pretty good at reading people, I don't see it in their faces, in their actions. I could be wrong.
Randy Lee would be 31. WOW ~ I can still remember that fall day in 1984 when he fought so hard to get into this world. He fought, struggled to be born and it was touchy if he would be alive. Many prayers and a truly awesome doctor and there he was. 7lbs, 7 1/4 oz and 20 1/2 inches long with a great set of lungs after an emergency c-section. I'm not sure anything prepared me for what a roller coaster my life was about to become.
Randy Lee's dad (my ex) and his wife recently moved out of "our" house - the house where Randy Lee actually died. He called me to see if I wanted to buy it. My answer was quick, I've always known - that house was a grasp to save my son but never our home. Walking in there, to be there - it took my breath away, it caused an ache in my chest & stomach I can't define and truly panic in just seconds. No, I didn't want the house. It surprised me he actually moved. He wanted to stay there, to him it was comforting which was all fine. Just for me, the house meant something different.
I've written many times about my "bonus son" J. That he is truly a gift from Randy Lee that means the world to me. Even his wife who went to school from kindergarten through 12th and friends with Randy Lee has welcomed me into their life. They are both amazing young people who have wonderful parents. I am blessed for this extended family. We celebrated their love and marriage two years ago and this past July we celebrated their love and welcomed their precious little girl. A beautiful, new life that is the perfect blend between the two of them. I can't even put into words how I felt the moment I saw her, the moment I held her - the moment she grabbed my finger. I can't even imagine not watching her grow up and I'm so very thankful that they love me and welcome me. I'm Momma Dee ...
Then there's the unspoken empty feeling. The unspoken ache. The unspoken words. I have a blessed life where I have many "extended" children who are in my life because of Randy Lee ... for Randy Lee. I've watched them go off to college, graduate college, get jobs, buy their first house, get married, have children ... watch them live. Many times with a heavy heart, many times with tears of joy ... and sadness too. Wishing the "what if...." syndrome all of us know all too well. I'll never see Randy Lee do any of this ... or anything else. I don't feel any less happy for them ... just an ache for him ... for me.
Sitting here exactly a week from Randy Lee's birthday holding that precious little girl and visiting with her mommy & daddy meant so much but as selfish as this sounds ... there's was a moment when the sadness of never holding Randy Lee's child hit me. I've become an expert and quite an actress of hiding that sadness from groups. Quite a talent since my face tells all ... I don't hide my feelings well. I guess from the ache, tired of answering the same question ... I've learned. While I love this sweet little girl, I love her parents, I am so touched and thankful to be in their life ... to have them in my life ... there is that tiny spot, that tiny dark part that aches for my son, his children, his life ... that impossible, never to be dream.
That void ... that ache ... that feeling ... after all these years it still brings me to my knees. March 2015 marked 12 years on this path I never wanted to walk. The journey we all would trade our own lives for our babies to still be here. Then the "logical" part of my personality kicks in and my inner voice cries "It is what it is" and "we must move forward". Well, it stinks.
Normally Randy Lee's birthday tends to be somewhat less painful for me than his angel date.The memories are happy around his birthday. We still celebrate his birthday and always do something to celebrate. We did that this year. It was just more of a struggle. I was more down, my husband ended up having a serious reaction to a medication his dr had started him on and after we returned from vacation he ended up hospitalized. Thankfully they were able to figure it out and he's feeling better. Me - well, it's been a long month. Fall is my favorite time of the year. This year - I just don't even see the beauty of it.
So, my challenge to myself is by my birthday to see what I have rather than what I do not have. For in every negative there is a positive - some times it just takes us longer to see it... longer to believe it.
I have a husband who loves me, a job I make a difference to others doing, enough money to pay my bills. I have friends, family and "bonus" children & a bonus grand daughter. I have an extended family who love me, I have fairly good health, 2 furbabies that see me with nothing but love. I have supportive "cyber friends" who understand me ... understand my feelings ... who "know" what I'm saying without having to ask questions. So, while not everything I wanted for my life. While not every plan, dream or experience worked out how I wanted it to.... I do have a lot, more than some.
This group has given me one very special special who we have exchanged notes and more importantly support one another. I would like to think that our sons have met in heaven and are looking down on both of us having had a hand in our connection. That's what it's about - support. Supportive parents who understand the void no one outside of this sad journey can truly understand. REACH OUT ~ that one word, that one statement or message to another person can make all the difference to them ... and to yourself.
((( hugs)))
I think more than Randy Lee's 31st birthday on September 12, more than work being so hectic, more than all the rain and depression weather and more than the enormous work load that only seems to grow by the day ... there's something inside of me that's just slightly more sad than normal.
It's there, it's not hidden yet no one seems to notice. Maybe they do and just don't want to speak the words for fear they aren't right but being pretty good at reading people, I don't see it in their faces, in their actions. I could be wrong.
Randy Lee would be 31. WOW ~ I can still remember that fall day in 1984 when he fought so hard to get into this world. He fought, struggled to be born and it was touchy if he would be alive. Many prayers and a truly awesome doctor and there he was. 7lbs, 7 1/4 oz and 20 1/2 inches long with a great set of lungs after an emergency c-section. I'm not sure anything prepared me for what a roller coaster my life was about to become.
Randy Lee's dad (my ex) and his wife recently moved out of "our" house - the house where Randy Lee actually died. He called me to see if I wanted to buy it. My answer was quick, I've always known - that house was a grasp to save my son but never our home. Walking in there, to be there - it took my breath away, it caused an ache in my chest & stomach I can't define and truly panic in just seconds. No, I didn't want the house. It surprised me he actually moved. He wanted to stay there, to him it was comforting which was all fine. Just for me, the house meant something different.
I've written many times about my "bonus son" J. That he is truly a gift from Randy Lee that means the world to me. Even his wife who went to school from kindergarten through 12th and friends with Randy Lee has welcomed me into their life. They are both amazing young people who have wonderful parents. I am blessed for this extended family. We celebrated their love and marriage two years ago and this past July we celebrated their love and welcomed their precious little girl. A beautiful, new life that is the perfect blend between the two of them. I can't even put into words how I felt the moment I saw her, the moment I held her - the moment she grabbed my finger. I can't even imagine not watching her grow up and I'm so very thankful that they love me and welcome me. I'm Momma Dee ...
Then there's the unspoken empty feeling. The unspoken ache. The unspoken words. I have a blessed life where I have many "extended" children who are in my life because of Randy Lee ... for Randy Lee. I've watched them go off to college, graduate college, get jobs, buy their first house, get married, have children ... watch them live. Many times with a heavy heart, many times with tears of joy ... and sadness too. Wishing the "what if...." syndrome all of us know all too well. I'll never see Randy Lee do any of this ... or anything else. I don't feel any less happy for them ... just an ache for him ... for me.
Sitting here exactly a week from Randy Lee's birthday holding that precious little girl and visiting with her mommy & daddy meant so much but as selfish as this sounds ... there's was a moment when the sadness of never holding Randy Lee's child hit me. I've become an expert and quite an actress of hiding that sadness from groups. Quite a talent since my face tells all ... I don't hide my feelings well. I guess from the ache, tired of answering the same question ... I've learned. While I love this sweet little girl, I love her parents, I am so touched and thankful to be in their life ... to have them in my life ... there is that tiny spot, that tiny dark part that aches for my son, his children, his life ... that impossible, never to be dream.
That void ... that ache ... that feeling ... after all these years it still brings me to my knees. March 2015 marked 12 years on this path I never wanted to walk. The journey we all would trade our own lives for our babies to still be here. Then the "logical" part of my personality kicks in and my inner voice cries "It is what it is" and "we must move forward". Well, it stinks.
Normally Randy Lee's birthday tends to be somewhat less painful for me than his angel date.The memories are happy around his birthday. We still celebrate his birthday and always do something to celebrate. We did that this year. It was just more of a struggle. I was more down, my husband ended up having a serious reaction to a medication his dr had started him on and after we returned from vacation he ended up hospitalized. Thankfully they were able to figure it out and he's feeling better. Me - well, it's been a long month. Fall is my favorite time of the year. This year - I just don't even see the beauty of it.
So, my challenge to myself is by my birthday to see what I have rather than what I do not have. For in every negative there is a positive - some times it just takes us longer to see it... longer to believe it.
I have a husband who loves me, a job I make a difference to others doing, enough money to pay my bills. I have friends, family and "bonus" children & a bonus grand daughter. I have an extended family who love me, I have fairly good health, 2 furbabies that see me with nothing but love. I have supportive "cyber friends" who understand me ... understand my feelings ... who "know" what I'm saying without having to ask questions. So, while not everything I wanted for my life. While not every plan, dream or experience worked out how I wanted it to.... I do have a lot, more than some.
This group has given me one very special special who we have exchanged notes and more importantly support one another. I would like to think that our sons have met in heaven and are looking down on both of us having had a hand in our connection. That's what it's about - support. Supportive parents who understand the void no one outside of this sad journey can truly understand. REACH OUT ~ that one word, that one statement or message to another person can make all the difference to them ... and to yourself.
((( hugs)))
Replies
A reflective journal of so many of life\'s happenings and what I notice most of all is your willingness to embrace and to feel ALL of it.
Oh, to be 50 again! LOL! I had my 60th and I\'ll tell you that was a mind blower. Each decade, I know brings with it challenges yet also a treasure trove of so many experiences. Peeling back the layers to remember, to reflect and to see how all of it has contributed to where we are today.
Gentle care as you continue to reach out and are reached out too. The giving and the receiving... The full spectrum indeed.
Loving care as you remember and continue to live into what is here now.
XO Joanie
What an amazing journal. Thanks so much for sharing.
I like the way you said: That\'s what it\'s about - support. No One outside of this sad journey can truly understand. REACH OUT!! I know I am not who I used to be and I miss my Jeff every day.
Big hugs to you as you do continue to live and Happy 50th Birthday. I turned 69 in May. I, too, can\'t believe I am this age.
Love and Much peace...Nell
Thank you ~
I always believed that age is just a number, will be 65 in November and this past year a feel it. It is such a blessing to be able to see the good in our lives yet not for a minute forgetting the longing for our children. You have given voice to our path. I understand and am traveling along side of you. Peace, Kathy
Thanks Kathy. I\'ve been the same in the past and honestly I think the fact that I need a knee replacement and have been experiencing a great deal of physical pain. It\'s stalled my weight loss and honestly I\'m such a chicken to get this surgery but I know without it so many other things are going to become issues. Part of me shakes my head because NOTHING will ever come close to the emotional and physical pain from the passing of my sonl I just need to do it - i did give in and make a consultation appointment. Fingers crossed my handsome guardian angel can shove me along with this journey.
No words ever touch me like yours. . .
Comegetme