Realizations

A while back I wrote a journal about my realization that I had been groomed. I (stupidly) decided to message someone from my past, I told my self I was going to confront him and ask him outright. I was upset, I felt like a victim, and I wanted some semblance of control and power. Oh how quickly did I become that child again... I fell back into my role so fast, he made comments about me "giving him" peep shows, which instantly dismissed him of all responsibility and made me question the reality of what happened. He made me feel loved, the way he made me feel when I was a child. It's mind boggling how easily I slipped back into the role of being his little pet... seeking is affection... Wanting his attention.... As adults, we talked, and one day I received a message from his girlfriend on his account saying we weren't to speak anymore. It was a blessing in disguise. I let myself slip into his trap, I let him back into my life, into my soul. 

The ironic part of it all, is this is my job. I'm literally building workshops to teach kids how to recognize that this is happening, and I couldn't see it in myself. To be fair - my job started in July and this all happened back in November. 

Work has been emotionally draining for me. Right now I'm reading a research report about victims of sexual exploitation and trafficking and how no one knew it was happening. As an outsider you're thinking, how could this not be obvious? But it's so subtle, so manipulative... When I go back and read messages, I want to vomit. I see the manipulation. I see the grooming. I see the horrible control tactics that he used on me as a kid and how he continued to use them now. He mentioned seeing 'me' because it was a power move. He took the control from me. 

I've been telling myself I need to journal this out for a while, that I need to sit down and just let it flow out. I've even thought therapy on this is probably needed. It probably is. I might get triggered when a youth discloses to me, I think that's my biggest concern. Seeing myself in a kid.