Reaching Out
Here I am again, reaching out, hoping for a branch to hold on to...I guess it keeps me humble, there are times I feel so strong, like I have it figured out, I will be okay...then I fall down. I am down.
Gosh, I miss her. I think if I could just see her, just one more time...not a sign, not a feeling, but her, my baby, maybe I could come to terms with this, maybe...
I keep having this visual, the moment it happened. It is my imagination, as I never saw her that way. They wouldn't let me. But I see it in my minds eye, over and over again and I wonder, haven't I suffered enough??? Why is my mind doing this to me???
I keep gaining weight, becoming more and more miserable. My joints hurt so bad. I search the web and think I may have lupus and hope with all my heart I do so that I would really know my time here would be shorter than it might be otherwise. I am so ready to go I am hoping for a terminal illness to strike me down, I fear only the physical pain but no pain could compare to the pain of living without my precious baby.
Gosh, I miss her. I think if I could just see her, just one more time...not a sign, not a feeling, but her, my baby, maybe I could come to terms with this, maybe...
I keep having this visual, the moment it happened. It is my imagination, as I never saw her that way. They wouldn't let me. But I see it in my minds eye, over and over again and I wonder, haven't I suffered enough??? Why is my mind doing this to me???
I keep gaining weight, becoming more and more miserable. My joints hurt so bad. I search the web and think I may have lupus and hope with all my heart I do so that I would really know my time here would be shorter than it might be otherwise. I am so ready to go I am hoping for a terminal illness to strike me down, I fear only the physical pain but no pain could compare to the pain of living without my precious baby.
Replies
Understand. I wasn\'t with Jason when he took his last breath. In fact I was told that there were 25 doctors and nurses working on him. It goes through my mind almost constantly what must\'ve happened, how it happened, wishing I was there, glad I wasn\'t, over and over and over.
I too, for awhile, had moments when I thought I was \"past\" stages. The panic attacks for example. Within a day or so, bam, panic attack. So, I\'ve stopped \"hoping\" that I am finished with uncomfortable things and try my best to simply roll with it.
As for your hoping for a sooner than later demise, you are in good company with that thought.
Sorry, no comforting words, just agreement...
(((hugs)))
Merrilee
I truly understand about reliving the moment that we never saw. Today was a day of blessings. I now cry and laugh in the same day..sometimes at the same time. I have gained 18 lbs. it is grief Gina. I think we are trying to insulate ourselves. Find someone that can make you laugh so hard that you snort and spend the day with them. They say It will get better..let\'s believe them. Lauri
Even if you saw her for one more time, I don\'t think it would change anything. This is grief and you would still end up in it. Maybe if you could have a dream of her you would feel much better and it helps. I had a dream in my situation and it helped made wonder\'s for me, and I feel more at peace now than ever before. I am thinking about you and hope you have a happy memory of you both and I pray that you have a beautiful dream of her soon...XOX,Debbie
Yes a dream is a true blessing and I so wish I could have my girls with me, Someday for sure. Remember this is how we travel now. Be gentle and kind to yourself. Hugs, Kathy
I completely understand your ups and downs. I think we all relive the news over and over. I wasn\'t with my son in his last moment, in fact nobody was as he was alone. That haunts me because nobody really knows what those last moments were. I recreate the scenario in my mind and don\'t even know if it\'s correct. I would give anything if I could have been with him at that time just so there aren\'t so many questions but I have to accept that those questions will never be answered and even if we could see our children one more time it still wouldn\'t change the horrible painful grief we feel to live without them. I love what Debbie commented on about having a dream. I have prayed and prayed that I would have a realistic dream about my son to feel as if I\'ve seen him but I never have. I also understand the weight gain. I\'ve gained 25 lbs. and I know that it is the grief. Reaching out to comfort food and not caring about life or myself anymore to exercise. In my mind I know that we need to care about ourselves and take care of ourselves because that is what our children would be wanting us to do. Maybe dear Gina that is what we could try to tell ourselves more often.
Hugs....June
Gina I felt like I was reading my own words. For awhile after Jason passed I thought I might have cancer and I was actually hoping it was true. I just didn\'t want to be here any longer.
Sending you tight hugs and prayers that your spirits lift.
Terry
Yep, I get it too. I used to envision that moment...the moment by moment as it was happening...that horrid car accident. What did she feel, what did she think....how scared was she. Sometimes, rarely, but still sometimes I \"go there\" in my mind still. And always, ALWAYS, Kala says STOP! Because every time I think those thoughts I am not thinking of the joy, the smile, the laughter and the love of life which was and IS Kala. She demands I stay focused on the LOVE energy and not the fear energy. She\'s pretty tough on me actually, LOL!!
NO WAY I want one more day or even one more minute of Kala in the flesh on planet earth. Not now. In my beginning YES, I begged for it. But not now. I know it would be too hard....more than I could bear to release her to spirit once again. But that\'s just me, just where I am today in my journey.
And I totally get the terminal illness thing. I mean, I\'m no longer wishing for it (and yes, I begged God to \"give me\" a terminal illness) but certainly am not afraid of it. I guess, thankfully, I\'ve come to terms with Kala\'s human experience was what it was, and mine is what it is and shall be. I have an obligation to myself, to my family, to my God, and most especially to Kala, to live my human experience in fullness. Full joy, and full sorrow. Being real with myself, and not dismissing the power and beauty of \"Teri\" because Kala is not longer earth side.
It\'s ALWAYS OK to feel what we feel, to be sad, angry, fearful....but it is never OK for us to \"live there\". That\'s not what we were born to do. So, my beautiful friend, feel it all, scream it out if you must, cry your tears, and continue sharing your journey with us......AND wash your face, put on your sneakers and get outside in the sunshine and walk 30 mins. every day you possibly can!
I love ya girl! And you are doing this, the unthinkable, with grace and dignity and great courage! Cassi is proud of her momma!!
I understand about the weight gain, I did too. Lauri has a good take on it that perhaps it\'s a way we try to insulate ourself. I remember also hoping for a terminal illness that would eventually put an end to my emotional pain. I found a really good grief therapist who has held my hand during this excruciating journey. She helps me in ways I didn\'t even realize I needed help. We have suffered an extreme trauma & when someone suffers a physical trauma they may require intensive care treatment. Our emotional trauma is just as serious so seeking professional help may be what we need. Gina its ok to reach out for assistance to help you through this emotional injury. We are here with open arms to support you any way we can.
Heartfelt hugs sweet sister of the heart.... Vicki
I feel everything you say. Be gentle with yourself and try and sit in a sunny spot and feel the beauty of the sunshine. You are not alone.
Gari
Oh, yes, I could have written this myself. I never saw Shell after the accident I guess it was for the best... but my mind tells me things I am not sure... if they happened or not? I read the newspaper article about 2 months ago it took me 21/2 years, finally read it.I to thought being diagnosised with a terminal issue would be OK, but now I realize that I need to live....just my thoughts!! I do believe God has a plan for me... what it is I need to be patient to find out...I hope it is Ry coming home?????xxoo Take care and you can diet this summer....be kind to yourself....:)
I understand the images in your mind, forever taking you back... I have the same. Almost as if we re-live that day over and over again. Take good care of yourself, my sweet friend. xxx
Oh Gina, I understand. Eddie died of a heart attack just after his children left from visiting him - well sometime during that night. When he was discovered by my granddaughter and daughter in law at 11am the next morning it was too late for me to see him. The police were not sure what happened so they would not let me into his apartment. I wonder if he had time to feel, was he afraid, did he fight to breathe? But I try not to go there. it hurts too much and I must not allow one night to diminish his life...All easier said than done. When I think these thoughts I try to reframe them and believe he saw the light, was not in pain for any duration and knew he was loved. Tight hugs of understanding. Much love to you and dearest Cassi, Linda
I can understand the replaying over and over... I was with my Jenn when she died, and I still replay it over and over again...
hugs,
maryLou
I had alot of guilt that I never saw Doug after his accident. I\'ve been told by other moms that it was for the best, it is a vision I would not want in my head. And, a friend of his told me that he would not want his mom to see him like that. So I believe it worked out the way it was supposed to. This coming Saturday will be 6 year anniversary and I am starting to replay moments in my head. Big ((hugs)) Sue xo
Like most everyone else, I prayed to not wake up each morning. How could I? My heart was shattered. A light went out of my world. We all have different scenarios running through our minds and we all have \"I wish this\" and \"if only\". It just plain stinks no matter the circumstance in how we lost our child. If it would have been different, we would still have those thoughts. We\'ve all had them. It is so difficult in those early weeks, months and for some even years. You are going through the emotions that we have all gone through and please don\'t get discouraged, Allow all the feelings to weave into your life now. Take the good days when they come and power through the bad days and just know that you will survive this. We are your safety net and here to help you mend in anyway. Much love. Robin