Ranting - I have the right to grieve how I want and as much as I want.
I decided to go on the miscarriage page and read a couple entries, and found one that I could completely relate to. I commented on it and kind of got myself riled up, so I'm going to rant a bit and drink my tea.
I had a miscarriage January 1st, 2012. No, I didn't know I was pregnant. Yes, it was in my tube so it wouldn't have been able to survive regardless. No, I wouldn't have been able to keep it. Yes, it took me almost a year to process what happened and to begin the grieving process. But does any of that matter? Honestly? Who does anyone think they are to tell me I can't grieve the baby I lost. I love children, I helped raise my nieces, I volunteer with beavers/cubs, I babysit, I do tons of things with children, and I absolutely want my own one day. Having a child die inside of me.. Having that knowledge, haunts me. I was pregnant on my 19th birthday, and I got drunk.. I celebrated christmas with alcohol, and I feel guilty. I know my baby never would have made it, but I feel guilty because I drank while I was pregnant, and I didn't know I was. It's been almost 2 years since my miscarriage, this new years will be the 2nd anniversary of my child's death. The way people react when I bring up my miscarriage... The people who know me, and know the pain I went through, know the extensive therapy I went through just to be able to cope... You can tell what they're thinking, and they're not shy about how they feel either. They think I should be over it by now, I never knew I was pregnant, I was only 7 weeks along, I wouldn't have been able to keep it regardless because I was too young, I wasn't trying to get pregnant, I didn't know until after it was gone... Does that honestly matter? The emotional pain and trauma of losing your baby whether or not it was planned doesn't matter! I'm better this year than I was last, but I still cry, I still light a candle and talk to my baby and play the song I dedicated to my baby. I sleep with the stuffed animal I bought, and I gave my baby a name: Briar. Some days I grieve really hard. This time, two years ago, I was pregnant. My 21st birthday I went to school, came home, and crawled into bed by 7pm. All I thought of was my baby, and how I was pregnant and I lost my baby. Yes, there will always be triggers for me, I may get better about handling them, but to tell me that I have no right to grieve anymore, that I should get over it... It doesn't work that way, and what I need is people in my corner to be there if I need them, not people to tell me to get over it because it's old news.
I feel better now that I've gotten that off my chest and ranted, it's been bottling up for a while, I knew it was there but it wasn't ready to come out yet. I'm glad I got that out and can move on form those negative emotions now.
I had a miscarriage January 1st, 2012. No, I didn't know I was pregnant. Yes, it was in my tube so it wouldn't have been able to survive regardless. No, I wouldn't have been able to keep it. Yes, it took me almost a year to process what happened and to begin the grieving process. But does any of that matter? Honestly? Who does anyone think they are to tell me I can't grieve the baby I lost. I love children, I helped raise my nieces, I volunteer with beavers/cubs, I babysit, I do tons of things with children, and I absolutely want my own one day. Having a child die inside of me.. Having that knowledge, haunts me. I was pregnant on my 19th birthday, and I got drunk.. I celebrated christmas with alcohol, and I feel guilty. I know my baby never would have made it, but I feel guilty because I drank while I was pregnant, and I didn't know I was. It's been almost 2 years since my miscarriage, this new years will be the 2nd anniversary of my child's death. The way people react when I bring up my miscarriage... The people who know me, and know the pain I went through, know the extensive therapy I went through just to be able to cope... You can tell what they're thinking, and they're not shy about how they feel either. They think I should be over it by now, I never knew I was pregnant, I was only 7 weeks along, I wouldn't have been able to keep it regardless because I was too young, I wasn't trying to get pregnant, I didn't know until after it was gone... Does that honestly matter? The emotional pain and trauma of losing your baby whether or not it was planned doesn't matter! I'm better this year than I was last, but I still cry, I still light a candle and talk to my baby and play the song I dedicated to my baby. I sleep with the stuffed animal I bought, and I gave my baby a name: Briar. Some days I grieve really hard. This time, two years ago, I was pregnant. My 21st birthday I went to school, came home, and crawled into bed by 7pm. All I thought of was my baby, and how I was pregnant and I lost my baby. Yes, there will always be triggers for me, I may get better about handling them, but to tell me that I have no right to grieve anymore, that I should get over it... It doesn't work that way, and what I need is people in my corner to be there if I need them, not people to tell me to get over it because it's old news.
I feel better now that I've gotten that off my chest and ranted, it's been bottling up for a while, I knew it was there but it wasn't ready to come out yet. I'm glad I got that out and can move on form those negative emotions now.
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