Rant/Ramble

Jess asked me what I wanted in life. What my dreams and aspirations are. I replied honestly by saying "nothing". She tried to rephrase it by asking what I would do with my life lemons that were handed to me. I was not in the mood to sugar coat my feelings at the time so I said I would probably rip my arm open and pour the lemon juice in the wound. Funny thing is that sounds like a good idea. What she doesn't realize is I honestly hate life. It's full of bullshit that is required of us. In terms of my dreams I could see the world... oh wait I have. I traveled all across this fucking planet having to leave behind friends. Never getting too attached because god knows that it will just end up hurting more when you have to leave.  Honestly I don't even know what I'm doing here. I just let Jess have a small taste about how I feel 9 times out of 10. That other 10% is her. The girl I love. But I have a feeling like she will be leaving me soon. I dont blame her. Everyone always leaves well except my grandparents which I guess I should be thankful for letting stay with them but I am beginning to wonder how much they give a damn. The other day my grandfather was cleaning out the garage and I guess he was getting rid of some of my grandmother's old purses but he decided to come into my room and ask "do you want any of these purses? I am sure we can find one to match that faggy earring of yours." I had to put so much effort into controlling myself to keep from either killing him or leaving that I was numb for the next few days. I know I could have it worse off. Sometimes I wish I did. I feel like I am losing that will to survive that I used to have. Right now the only reason I kepp on going is because of her. I dont know how much longer that will last for as she thinks I don't care about her anymore. Right now I just wish I could drift off to sleep and never wake up. I just dont see the point of me living anymore. I don't feel pain. During my last relapse I didnt even feel the blade I couldnt even feel the pressure. Well I guess I should go to bed. This is just a ling ass rant/ramble I don't even know which.