Randy Lee
Randy was born on Septeber 12, 1984. Randy's angel date is March 16, 2003. He was 18 when he died. He was the light of my life, my heart and soul and part of me truly died that day too.
He was such a funny kid. He had the best laugh and sweet smile. He had a heart of gold and would always help someone in need. He had a good many friends but there always seemed to be a sadness about Randy even when he was smiling.
We ( and I mean we because it effects everyone) had a 4 yr battle with drugs and alcohol. He had close calls with alcohol poisonings and I forced rehab on him twice. He had charges that led to house arrest and I turned him in to the police.
I know what it feels like to have even over the counter meds locked up in your house because you fear he'll crush them to snort to get a high. Sleeping with your purse under your pillow because he's stolen from you one too many times. Hiding your keys so he won't steal the car. Taking his door off the hinges on his bedroom because he would hide in there to use. Taking him to see his best friend in his casket hoping it would hit home enough he would quit.
In the end ~ none of it worked. I watched the sweet, loving boy turn into someone I didn't know. After one pop drug test that was positive and he had his dad convinced he wasn't using life changed. We argued as his dad sat on the sofa and watched. I demanded he either sign into rehab or leave the house - he was 18 and I wasn't watching this any longer. He hit me and then punched a hole in the wall. I stood there for a moment in silence, not believeing it happened as did he then he started to yell again. I looked over at his dad who didn't move back at Randy and I said "I'm done, I'm not doing this any more. I'm out of here - if you think it's all games, you deal with him and struggle to keep him alive". I walked out and neither one said a word.
That's the moment that haunts me. That's what I fear was the moment had I stayed may have kept Randy alive. It's that would have, could have, should have that eats away at you.
I stayed with a friend that night and cried my eyes out. Where did my son go? How did this happen? I did everything right . ... right? and still this. I had the moment soon after this where I handed it over to God and asked him to help Randy find peace.
6 months later Randy was gone. I wasn't there but I remember the phone call. My uncles voice on the answering machine several times, then my mom's and I remember praying "Please let it be Jack (my husband) not Randy" (horrible I know) Then my heart broke and the next voice was Jack's. I knew before I dialed the number. Something was off all day. I don't remember the words just falling to my knees. I don't remember screaming but I'm told I did. My brother came to get me so I didn't have to make the drive alone. We rode the 4 hrs partly in silence -- partly him apologizing for not knowing how bad it had gotten ... and a few memories of Randy. I just remember feeling sick the entire ride.
The funeral is pretty much a blur - I remember bits and pieces. The days that followed where foggy too. I ended up staying in the house again but separate from Jack. I felt a need to be there but spent almost every day sleeping 20 hours. I'd sit in his room and cry, hold his clothes and cry. The cards were unbearable "I feel your loss", "if you need anything" "He was such a good kid". Bereavement cards are like prolonging the pain -- each one you get makes you relive it over and over. I will never again send a card for a death.
I mourned to the point I planned to commit suicide. I had no reason to live. Some very special ladies in my life called me to help and gave me a mission. I helped to form a committe in our community that addressed the growing drug epidemic here. To educate parents that even good kids may be using. I told Randy's story, cried and laughed introducing others to my son.
After one presentation a young girl came up to me and thanked me for sharing Randy. She told me that she knew Randy from high school and loved hearing about him. That he was so kind to her and she missed him. That was comforting to me both that she remembered him and she shared it with me. Randy had once told me "no one would ever miss me if I"m gone". How very wrong he was.
In the past 9+ years I've had several people share stories with me that make me smile. Randy was loved by so many, he is missed by so many .... and even now, he is my heart and soul.
Just last weekend I had the chance to sit down with an old friend and visit. Her nephew and Randy were friends. In fact, he was with Randy the night before he passed away. In conversation I asked how he was doing these days since I hadn't seen him in some time. She told me he was well, working, his girlfriend. Then she looked at me and said "you know Andrew keeps a picture of Randy on his mirror". "He doesn't want to forget him or their friendship". It made me smile - it was a nice smile.
I'll share more later --- I'm thankful for finding this group. Sometimes it's nice to know there are others who "get what you're feeling" and understand it's a pain that never goes away.
Love and prayers to all
He was such a funny kid. He had the best laugh and sweet smile. He had a heart of gold and would always help someone in need. He had a good many friends but there always seemed to be a sadness about Randy even when he was smiling.
We ( and I mean we because it effects everyone) had a 4 yr battle with drugs and alcohol. He had close calls with alcohol poisonings and I forced rehab on him twice. He had charges that led to house arrest and I turned him in to the police.
I know what it feels like to have even over the counter meds locked up in your house because you fear he'll crush them to snort to get a high. Sleeping with your purse under your pillow because he's stolen from you one too many times. Hiding your keys so he won't steal the car. Taking his door off the hinges on his bedroom because he would hide in there to use. Taking him to see his best friend in his casket hoping it would hit home enough he would quit.
In the end ~ none of it worked. I watched the sweet, loving boy turn into someone I didn't know. After one pop drug test that was positive and he had his dad convinced he wasn't using life changed. We argued as his dad sat on the sofa and watched. I demanded he either sign into rehab or leave the house - he was 18 and I wasn't watching this any longer. He hit me and then punched a hole in the wall. I stood there for a moment in silence, not believeing it happened as did he then he started to yell again. I looked over at his dad who didn't move back at Randy and I said "I'm done, I'm not doing this any more. I'm out of here - if you think it's all games, you deal with him and struggle to keep him alive". I walked out and neither one said a word.
That's the moment that haunts me. That's what I fear was the moment had I stayed may have kept Randy alive. It's that would have, could have, should have that eats away at you.
I stayed with a friend that night and cried my eyes out. Where did my son go? How did this happen? I did everything right . ... right? and still this. I had the moment soon after this where I handed it over to God and asked him to help Randy find peace.
6 months later Randy was gone. I wasn't there but I remember the phone call. My uncles voice on the answering machine several times, then my mom's and I remember praying "Please let it be Jack (my husband) not Randy" (horrible I know) Then my heart broke and the next voice was Jack's. I knew before I dialed the number. Something was off all day. I don't remember the words just falling to my knees. I don't remember screaming but I'm told I did. My brother came to get me so I didn't have to make the drive alone. We rode the 4 hrs partly in silence -- partly him apologizing for not knowing how bad it had gotten ... and a few memories of Randy. I just remember feeling sick the entire ride.
The funeral is pretty much a blur - I remember bits and pieces. The days that followed where foggy too. I ended up staying in the house again but separate from Jack. I felt a need to be there but spent almost every day sleeping 20 hours. I'd sit in his room and cry, hold his clothes and cry. The cards were unbearable "I feel your loss", "if you need anything" "He was such a good kid". Bereavement cards are like prolonging the pain -- each one you get makes you relive it over and over. I will never again send a card for a death.
I mourned to the point I planned to commit suicide. I had no reason to live. Some very special ladies in my life called me to help and gave me a mission. I helped to form a committe in our community that addressed the growing drug epidemic here. To educate parents that even good kids may be using. I told Randy's story, cried and laughed introducing others to my son.
After one presentation a young girl came up to me and thanked me for sharing Randy. She told me that she knew Randy from high school and loved hearing about him. That he was so kind to her and she missed him. That was comforting to me both that she remembered him and she shared it with me. Randy had once told me "no one would ever miss me if I"m gone". How very wrong he was.
In the past 9+ years I've had several people share stories with me that make me smile. Randy was loved by so many, he is missed by so many .... and even now, he is my heart and soul.
Just last weekend I had the chance to sit down with an old friend and visit. Her nephew and Randy were friends. In fact, he was with Randy the night before he passed away. In conversation I asked how he was doing these days since I hadn't seen him in some time. She told me he was well, working, his girlfriend. Then she looked at me and said "you know Andrew keeps a picture of Randy on his mirror". "He doesn't want to forget him or their friendship". It made me smile - it was a nice smile.
I'll share more later --- I'm thankful for finding this group. Sometimes it's nice to know there are others who "get what you're feeling" and understand it's a pain that never goes away.
Love and prayers to all
Replies
Thank you for sharing your wonderful son, Randy, with us! As I read this I found myself shaking my head yes, yes, YES! over and over again....
My son, Torrey, has battled drug addiction, heroin, since his sisters passing in Jan 2007. He had already started down that dangerous path with pot, but after Kala\'s accident, he went to full blown heroin addict. He\'s stolen from me, lied to me, disgraced his family and himself, and yes, I was the one to tell the police, after finding our home burglarized, that I thought my son may be to blame. He went to jail for a year, then entered a court drug program, and until March of this year, had been clean for over 3 years. He went back to jail in June of this year (an 18 months sentence this time). We are hoping he can get an early release before the end of the year, but there are no guarantees. It\'s all so hard to wrap my head around. I\'ve often said it\'s as hard to comprehend my son is a drug addict as it was to comprehend what the police were trying to tell me the night of Kala\'s accident!! It just blows my mind!
Like you, I HATE sympathy cards! After the accident I had an occasion or two to have to buy a card.....I remember standing there, reading the cards, saying, \"this is NOT what to tell someone\"!! And actually, FMO, has designed sympathy cards for grieving moms....if you\'d like more information just let me know. I have a photo posted in \"my photo\'s\" if you want to check it out.
Also like you, I feel I have been given a new purpose in life....or rather a new avenue to fulfill my purpose in life. I believe we each have the same core purpose....that is to LOVE; to share love and to be love.....the only differences are the ways in which we do that. You do that by the amazing work you do to educate people about the drug epidemic in your area....and by sharing here with us....and by many, many other things too I know. I feel I do that by being a part of FMO. I put my whole heart and soul into this group and I am blessed by doing so. FMO is as much a part of my being as my arms and eyes and heart. Truthfully, I feel I have come closer to fulfilling my responsibilities of my human experience since Kala\'s accident. I\'ve never given so much, never gained so much, PURE LOVE, in my life until FMO. I would NEVER have chosen this path....wish I didn\'t know of this group or you or anyone other \"mom\".....BUT, because I do, I am blessed, so I am thankful.
Yes, darlin, I \"get what you\'re feeling\"......I\'m feeling it all in my own way with my own daughter in Paradise and my own son in jail..... I HEAR you!
May your Sunday be as special as you are!
Love you!
Love to Randy Lee!
Thinking of you and your precious Randy Lee with love, prayers, and hugs. Sharon
Thank you for sharing Randy with us. We do come to truly know and love one another\'s children and this is one of the ways by sharing about them.
Your son battled a cruel and insidious disease as did mine and your sentence about handing him over to God and asking him to help Randy find peace was a moment for me. I think that is what Spirit did for both of our sons as that was my prayer daily. I don\'t think they could find the peace they sought on this earth and had to BE free of their earthly chains to BE able to do the work of their hearts. When I would shed tears with my son about how sorry I was that he inherited this horrible disease he would always look at me with tears in his eyes and tell me that it was his path. Deepest of sighs...
The insanity of addiction and the web of sorrow it spins is endless and how wonderful for you to be able to get out into the community and share Randy\'s story and yours. If just one person hears it and is moved to seek recovery then Randy\'s legacy of love and healing continues on in this world. I see you as a scatterer of seeds and that is what you are doing.
I wish with all my heart that we could obliterate addiction and slay the monster! Millions have lost their lives and precious loved ones and will continue to. We have to keep talking and educating until our jaws ache and know that what we say matters!
Loving care to you and your incredible son and I\'m glad that you are finding the community of FMO to be a consoling and comforting place to land. I know that I have.
Gentle hugs of so much understanding.
XO Joanie
thank you for sharing such times in your life,,,,you are so loved here...
Thank you all. While it\'s a bond I wish none of us needed ~ it is comforting to know there are people who can understand.
I now with in psych rehab and I do feel I make a difference. It\'s had as I watch some take life for granted but others ~ seeing a difference is rewarding.
i think one of the greatest gifts Randy Lee ever gave me was actually a friend of his, one he felt was a brother. Jason lived w/ us for a brief period, battling his own addictions. Jason is one of the few memories I have of the funeral. This tall, thin boy who could pass for Randy\'s brother sitting in a chair across from Randy hands clasped so tightly and tears running down his face. I went over to comfort him and all he could say was \"why\" and apologized to me.
It wasn\'t until 2 yrs ago he told me why he apologized. He felt responsible for Randy\'s passing. He had been at the party and left before Randy went to bed. In his mind, had he stayed, he could have saved Randy. I\'m honored to say Jason is sober now and allows me to be part of his life. He\'s an amazing young man who we both thank Randy for our connection.
I\'m still smile 9+ years later when someone shares a moment or story with me that they still hold Randy dear to their hearts. \"Strange, isn\'t it? Eash man\'s life touches so many other lives. When he isn\'t around he leaves an awlful hole, doesn\'t he?\" One of my favorite scenes from my favorite movie ~ It\'s a Wonderful Life. I\'ve watched this over and over, year after year .... and now I understand it like never before.
Thank you for sharing with us. It is a long journey (as you know) and it really does help having others that understand...that you do not need to explain the roller coaster ride...you are in the right place...even though each of us wish we didn\'t have to be...love and hugs...Karen
Obviously you know it was the drugs talking, not Randy. Thank you for sharing the \"real\" Randy and the awful addiction that so many of us face in our friends and families.
With love,
Leda
I\'m so sorry that your son suffered with addiction & it took his life. I had 2 sons that suffered addiction issues & after taking medication did not wake up. I could relate to many things you said & also have regrets. But I know that we loved our sons so much & we did the best we could for them. Hope you hear another story soon about your son that makes you smile. I would like to offer my friendship to you.....Vicki
I am very touched by reading this--you are an inspiration to me as you have \"dealt\" with Randy\'s transitioning by helping others avoid the pain you\'ve endured. And continue to endure (it gets less intense but that empty place at the table is ever present.) If you\'d like, please check out my profile as I think we think along similar lines! I also have a Christian Bereaved Moms website you\'re welcome to visit www.bereavedmoms.com I just wrote a new post there last night about how some Moms seem to want their children to \"miss them\"! Love, Donna