"Randy Days"
Fall has always been my favorite time of year. I know some people think it's bleak with all the plants and trees dying but I've always seen it as comforting. The colors all around, crisp air that you just need a sweater to wear, clean air smell, the tastes of fall like crisp apples, pumpkins, cinnamon, squash ~ the list goes on. The colors draw me in - and comfort me. September through December was always busy, full of get together s, family and love. My Grandma loved the holidays, my dad & step mom loved the holidays, Randy loved the holidays. It was always a big deal to celebrate, decorate and get together.
I'm an October baby so I've always figured that's why I love the season. Then, Randy Lee was born in September and it just seemed right. Randy Lee's birthday was always a big deal whether he wanted a party with friends or a dinner with family it was always special. Even now, I celebrate his birthday because for me, it will always be the best day of my life. It will always be his birthday and whether or not he's here physically ... he's always here in my heart.
I've had a hard year this year. Even the start of fall didn't ease my depression and anxiety. I just seem to be on edge, lost in myself. I manage to go through the day with my "mask" on so people don't see. I've just learned it's easier to do that than explain to someone who doesn't understand. I talk to those that do ~ sometimes then it's just a look that speaks a book.
Yesterday we went to a birthday party to help celebrate a friend, Judy turning 70 years old. She's the mom of a friend, Elena who later in life became a friend. We always had fun at their house and Randy Lee loved going there. Judy always treated us like family and Randy Lee like her grandson. I babysat for Elena's first daughter and Randy Lee always thought that baby was his! I knew going meant seeing part of her family that I hadn't seen in some time but I also really wanted to attend. I'm glad I did. I hope if God plans for me to live to 70 I have the energy Judy has! It was a 50's theme and she dressed in a poodle skirt, peter pan collared white top and pink scarf on her neck. She made her entrance to the party dancing in to Old Time Rock & Roll with two of her grandsons. It was nice to see old friends and help her celebrate. The only down was learning one of Randy's friends, Courtney has started to use again. She's smart, had been back in school, has a beautiful 5 yr old daughter. She lost yet another friend to drugs less than 4 months ago yet the pull is still there. I just felt sad as her mom told me ... I'll just never understand why.
I have been struggling pretty bad the last few weeks - since my birthday. I had a bad day that day I just couldn't stop thinking about Randy Lee. Not sleeping well, too much work, depressed - it's not a good outcome. I've been trying to talk but even that seems too much these days.
Today, I got to see my bonus son Jason and his wife Brandy's pics. They make such a cute couple and I am so thankful they include me in their lives. We're going there on "Black Friday" to celebrate Thanksgiving in their new home. The pics really capture their personalities. Brandy had arranged the session with a local photographer. They live about an hour away. They came in for the session and they did this one collage that was the best. Jason & Brandy each had to write something on a small chalkboard about the other person but not allowing the other to see their board. Jason's pic is of him smiling, holding the chalkboard that says "She's my everything". Then there's one of Brandy holding her board that says "We made a Mabee Baby". Mabee is their last name. Then there's a pic of them showing one another their boards and the expression on Jason's face is priceless. The final pic is of them hugging with the look that love is supposed to have. I'm so happy for them. They've both come so far .... Jason has come so far. I look at him and my heart melts because I see so much of Randy Lee. They were so very much alike in so many ways. I know Randy Lee would be thrilled for them and excited for their new journey.
Then I lay in bed last night thinking .... tears running down my face ... the sadness I still have that Randy Lee will never experience any of this. He'll never fall in love, get married, have a family, a new home, success. Then as much as I hate it my mind goes to that dark place and think there was no way to know he would ever have gotten to that spot in his life where he was in recovery. Then guilt sets in - I'm a horrible person to think that.
I'm a control freak - I can admit it. I like things done right, the first time, I like to plan, organize and follow up to ensure all things are done correctly. I have a sign in my office that was bought as a joke but it's right "I'm not being bossy - I just know what you should be doing". Type A personality at it's best.
I know it's a combo of things making me feel this way. I'm really good at hiding behind a mask - it's just easier than explaining what others often think I should "be over by now". That just makes me angry and anger is never good when you're feeling depressed.
I think I'm just split between why Randy Lee didn't get to see more of or have a happy life yet other do. This was 12th birthday Randy wasn't here, the 12th holiday season and in March it will make 13 years. Just typing that sort of takes me breath away. I really need to find a way out of this, a way to let the feelings not pull me down. Knowing ..... doing ..... two very different things. I
I think what's important is that we keep in mind that a lot of us struggle with the holidays. That especially this time of year it's even more important to not hide behind masks, to realize others feel as we do. So, I'm sad .... I'm happy .... I guess I'm pretty much the same.
I'm an October baby so I've always figured that's why I love the season. Then, Randy Lee was born in September and it just seemed right. Randy Lee's birthday was always a big deal whether he wanted a party with friends or a dinner with family it was always special. Even now, I celebrate his birthday because for me, it will always be the best day of my life. It will always be his birthday and whether or not he's here physically ... he's always here in my heart.
I've had a hard year this year. Even the start of fall didn't ease my depression and anxiety. I just seem to be on edge, lost in myself. I manage to go through the day with my "mask" on so people don't see. I've just learned it's easier to do that than explain to someone who doesn't understand. I talk to those that do ~ sometimes then it's just a look that speaks a book.
Yesterday we went to a birthday party to help celebrate a friend, Judy turning 70 years old. She's the mom of a friend, Elena who later in life became a friend. We always had fun at their house and Randy Lee loved going there. Judy always treated us like family and Randy Lee like her grandson. I babysat for Elena's first daughter and Randy Lee always thought that baby was his! I knew going meant seeing part of her family that I hadn't seen in some time but I also really wanted to attend. I'm glad I did. I hope if God plans for me to live to 70 I have the energy Judy has! It was a 50's theme and she dressed in a poodle skirt, peter pan collared white top and pink scarf on her neck. She made her entrance to the party dancing in to Old Time Rock & Roll with two of her grandsons. It was nice to see old friends and help her celebrate. The only down was learning one of Randy's friends, Courtney has started to use again. She's smart, had been back in school, has a beautiful 5 yr old daughter. She lost yet another friend to drugs less than 4 months ago yet the pull is still there. I just felt sad as her mom told me ... I'll just never understand why.
I have been struggling pretty bad the last few weeks - since my birthday. I had a bad day that day I just couldn't stop thinking about Randy Lee. Not sleeping well, too much work, depressed - it's not a good outcome. I've been trying to talk but even that seems too much these days.
Today, I got to see my bonus son Jason and his wife Brandy's pics. They make such a cute couple and I am so thankful they include me in their lives. We're going there on "Black Friday" to celebrate Thanksgiving in their new home. The pics really capture their personalities. Brandy had arranged the session with a local photographer. They live about an hour away. They came in for the session and they did this one collage that was the best. Jason & Brandy each had to write something on a small chalkboard about the other person but not allowing the other to see their board. Jason's pic is of him smiling, holding the chalkboard that says "She's my everything". Then there's one of Brandy holding her board that says "We made a Mabee Baby". Mabee is their last name. Then there's a pic of them showing one another their boards and the expression on Jason's face is priceless. The final pic is of them hugging with the look that love is supposed to have. I'm so happy for them. They've both come so far .... Jason has come so far. I look at him and my heart melts because I see so much of Randy Lee. They were so very much alike in so many ways. I know Randy Lee would be thrilled for them and excited for their new journey.
Then I lay in bed last night thinking .... tears running down my face ... the sadness I still have that Randy Lee will never experience any of this. He'll never fall in love, get married, have a family, a new home, success. Then as much as I hate it my mind goes to that dark place and think there was no way to know he would ever have gotten to that spot in his life where he was in recovery. Then guilt sets in - I'm a horrible person to think that.
I'm a control freak - I can admit it. I like things done right, the first time, I like to plan, organize and follow up to ensure all things are done correctly. I have a sign in my office that was bought as a joke but it's right "I'm not being bossy - I just know what you should be doing". Type A personality at it's best.
I know it's a combo of things making me feel this way. I'm really good at hiding behind a mask - it's just easier than explaining what others often think I should "be over by now". That just makes me angry and anger is never good when you're feeling depressed.
I think I'm just split between why Randy Lee didn't get to see more of or have a happy life yet other do. This was 12th birthday Randy wasn't here, the 12th holiday season and in March it will make 13 years. Just typing that sort of takes me breath away. I really need to find a way out of this, a way to let the feelings not pull me down. Knowing ..... doing ..... two very different things. I
I think what's important is that we keep in mind that a lot of us struggle with the holidays. That especially this time of year it's even more important to not hide behind masks, to realize others feel as we do. So, I'm sad .... I'm happy .... I guess I'm pretty much the same.
Replies
I love the fall too! Even though my allergies go crazy. The holidays can be so very hard to manage.... It\'s taken me until this year...my 8th Thanksgiving and Christmas to truly feel the joy of the holidays again. I\'ll be putting up the first tree since Kala\'s accident....
The party sounds wonderful!!! I love costume/themed parties, they\'re always so much fun!
Definitely understand, and respect, the mask!! Boy, I think I \'bout wore mine out. And, I guess in a way I did. I no longer need it, but know where\'s it\'s tucked away if I ever do.
Somehow we get to a place where we can smile more often that we cry. What a miracle! So, like you, I\'m sad....I\'m happy....
You hang in there....you\'re doing GREAT!
What a great journal!!! I so agree with all that you have said. Must forge ahead. Having the mask ready when it is needed helps to cope and yet I am so glad when I can just be real. Too bad if I am sad, everyone can just deal with it. I have to.
The holidays are so very difficult knowing how our children would love to be here for them. I think it is the reason that I do have most of the same traditions in their honor. Of course, I will be glad when it is all over.
So also like you, I\'m sad and I\'m happy. Hugs, Kathy
You are not a horrible person to think what you do about your son. Addiction is a cruel and insidious disease and for some of our children the only way peace could be found for them was not earth side. I know as I walk with these thoughts as well and just understand that I must poke around in them from time to time.
No masks needed here ever so I\'m grateful that you are writing and allowing your grief path expression as you are. We are each learning how to live with this loss and happiness and sadness go hand in hand, don\'t they...
Gentle care as you walk through your days and remember...
Hand in hand and Heart to heart,
XO Joanie
This time of year is so very hard. It will get easier but it will never be the same. You don\'t need a mask here - we understand....Hugs, Ann