Randomness *TRIGGER WARNING*

I finally asked out my sister's teacher,she said sure, just to get my sister off my back. I haven't been on a date in a while. I am a little nervous but I doubt it will go too well. She really isn't my type and she kinda seems stuck up. She is going to come over for dinner since I will have the house to myself and she only lives down the street. Figure I'll just make some chicken parmesan a salad and some pasta maybe a cab sav to go with it. nothing too fancy. really not all that into it but whatever.
In other news... I worked today moving stuff for my grandparents. felt better than i have in a while but still feel like cutting. i may have done something to one of my nerves. when I touch certain cut I feel a twinge in my elbow. funny how you can have a family around you yet feel so isolated. 
for some reason 3 days clean and I feel the need to cut more than I did before my first relapse at the beginning of the year which was my only relapse in about 4 years. I am trying to stay clean until after Friday but I doubt that will happen as I am twirling my blade in my hand as I write this. I don't even know if I want to quit. Only reason I am trying is for a girl I met who is amazing and is the reason I am still here but I just don't know... kinda feels like I should do this for me but I don't want to. I love the feeling as I slide a blade across my arm then the amazing feeling as blood moves so slowly across my skin... almost makes me feel like someone is there. Then of course the massive release of endorphins which causes my emotional shit to just numb itself away. I have tried explaining it to people but it never comes out right.
Still feel like shit for shit i did a few days ago. but i guess i'll try to get over it.