Random thoughts... So much has changed. Quite Ramble-y

I saw a picture on facebook today, it was commenting on how much things can change in a year, and that's something I know very well to be true.. A year ago, I was still dating Adam and I was positive he was the man I was going to marry, but, now that we've been apart and I've been with other people and seen him with someone else... It stuns me that I'm not sure he and I could be together again... We didn't have a sex life...well, at least not much of one, and not because he didn't want to, but because I wasn't interested. When we first started dating, March 27th, 2010, I had only had sex twice, and I was still traumatized from being sexually assaulted in 2005, so badly that I could barely be touched without having a flashback and crying. I suffered from extreme Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but he helped me get through it and although it was intense and incredibly difficult, we made it through so that we could have sex and enjoy it.. But, I wasn't ever overly interested in sex. I blamed it on my past, I said I didn't have a sex drive because of what happened to me, and it was true to an extent but I still made him feel bad about himself; he felt as if I wasn't attracted to him, and I feel incredibly terrible and guilty for making him feel that way. I pushed him away, I made him feel bad about himself and as soon as someone else expressed interest in him he began to feel good about himself and a connection grew between them. Adam is happy with her now, and I'm happy to see him so happy, though I will never say it doesn't hurt because it does, it will always hurt to see the man I loved so much love another, but he's happier with her and I think I am happier as well. Since Adam and I broke up, I have slept with 3 guys and a girl.. I can't exactly blame my past for no sex drive because clearly I do have one, I just didn't have one when I was with Adam, and I feel as though I can still say it's because of what we went through together, we had to overcome so much just to be able to have sex and we were always under so much stress because of family, money, roommates or land-lords.. it was just such a turn off. I feel bad for making Adam feel bad about himself, but I am happy he's happy now.
I just can't believe where life has taken me... I have gone through so much, and somehow, against all odds I'm still here. After Adam and I broke up, I wasn't sure if I would ever be able to date another man... I wasn't sure that I would ever find someone who I would be comfortable with and who I could be happy with, but as it stands I have actually met someone who makes me feel so incredibly special.. He compliments me, and makes me feel safe.. a feeling that means everything to me. I'm able to talk to him, about everything, he knows about my past and he's compassionate, he listens and holds me tight, kisses me softly and looks at me like I'm the only girl in the world.. I was talking to one of his best girl friends, Braylee, she asked me not to hurt him and said he'll never hurt me either, Kory is apparently incredibly picky... and it makes me feel so good about myself that he likes me. He's only had one other girlfriend, and they dated for like 8 months. Kory isn't like most guys.. he doesn't sleep around, and he wont be with just anyone.. I feel pretty special when I'm with him. His family seems to really like me too! I hang out with his dad all the time, he's such a funny guy, and his step-mom takes a bit of time to warm up to but she seems to like me as well! His grandparents are so sweet as well, we went to their house for lunch and talked with them for a while too :) Kory's younger brother (17-ish years old) seems to love me, haha! Jeremy (Jer-bear) is such a sweetheart! We hang out and talk all the time, he really makes an effort to make sure I feel comfortable when I'm at the house, especially when Kory is out of the room and I'm with their step-mom, lol. Kory and Jer have an older brother as well, I only met him for a little while, Derick is a pretty funny guy. I could see Kory and I working well together, but I'm not about to get my hopes up in case it doesn't work out.