ramblings of a mad man

Talked a girl out of suicide last night. Made me feel a little better. I fucked up everything with one of my friends though. I lied to push her away when I was drunk and now hate myself for it just about every second i am awake. I constantly just want to end my life but I promised her I would be here as long as she needed someone to talk to. I think I love her but telling her would just make everything too confusing for her and she has way better prospects than me. She still talks to me but I don't know why. If she hates me anywhere near as much as I have been hating myself she shouldn't be able to initiate conversation with me.
2 days clean and I want to cut now more than ever. It just feels like an itch I need to scratch. Speaking of itching, my arm has been itching like crazy. I know that means it's healing but damn. Also going to have to get a new pillow... one cut keeps opening up while I sleep... da fuq is up with that?