rambling Tues

Got back from Oregon yesterday.  I'm home today and should be working on my project but have not been able to bring myself to do it yet and the day is half over already.  On the ride home yesterday I had allergies really bad.  Today, I have a sore throat..trying very hard not to freak out over it.  I have no motivation to do anything and have mostly been chatting online with one of my girlfriends about the trip. 

That is the problem when you have health anxiety...every little whatever becomes huge. 

I feel very down today.  Thursday night when I got home from school he was completely blitzed.  Class went right up until 9:30 and we had to get up at 3 to leave for Oregon so I was super tired.  I should have been more with it but like the dumb bitch I am, I relied on him to pack my winter coat.  Stupid.

It was super cold up there.  They said the worst winter they had in 15 years.  The whole west coast is that way though so it really shouldn't be a surprise.  Still, I was freezing the whole time I was up there and not sure if I would be able to hang.  It was really beautiful though.  It snowed twice while I was there.  Little flurries, not even an inch.  I really liked that it's an open carry state and that there were a lot less people than CA.  The thought of being up there with Steve and his dad just depressed me though.  When I pictured myself in that state..I pictured myself alone.  Well, isn't THAT just a sad state of affairs?  As soon as we got home the vodka started to flow.  While we were up there, he only had beer and kept it really toned down since we were staying in a cabin with his dad.  I realized that being that close to his dad would mask the problem...at least for a little while.  I don't know if that is good or bad...it's really just another band aid. 

I feel like crying but of course the tears will not come.  stupid fucking medication. 

As we drove through Yolo County on our way home yesterday, I kept seeing signs that said YOLO meant 'you only live once.'  It's not really where it got the name but clearly people up there adopted that outlook.  I feel like I need to.  My heart has been bothering me a lot lately.  I feel like I'm wasting time.  Wasting time loving a drunk who will never change. 

One of the things about super long drives is that you have a lot of time to think.  For all the time I had to think, I didn't get anywhere.  I still have a few weeks until school is over. Still more time to think of what to do.