Progress Healing
I told a friend recently that I am feeling good about my healing generally; that I can feel changes occurring within me and he asked me to write about what those changes are. I think that I am making progress slowly, but I am making progress. Much of it has to do with the way I feel about myself and my desire to take care of myself. I’ve spent so much of my life concerned for others and what they want or feel; often things I don’t have any control over at all. I worry about how other people are feelings and pour endless amounts of energy running around and trying to make things nicer for other people. I often feel like I do a lot, but accomplish little as life presents new challenges. When others around me still feel unhappy, I feel like that is my fault, like I can’t get it right all the while feeling burnt out.
I’m changing because I’ve decided that it is more important for me to take care of me. I’ve decided that I’m worth caring for and that I need a lot of energy just to tend to my needs. I’m starting to pay attention to my feelings and to identify those needs. Somehow, I’ve always considered that a selfish act or felt that I wasn’t worthy of good things or of being loved. That is changing.
I’ve spent a lot of time being hurt yet pushing back my feelings. Since I was abused sexually as a child, I’ve acted out sexually. Following sexual impulses and harming myself sexually caused me to feel bad about myself, but it also helped me to better define who I am. I was tempted to do many things that that were against my true nature, like to deceive another person in order to seek the thrill I sought. I felt so terrible about myself for even telling the smallest little lies. By going through this however, I learned that loyalty is something which is very important to me.
I’m always going to feel bad about myself it I am not true to myself. I doesn’t matter to others so much; it matters to ME. I’m the one I hurt when I’m not being my true self. I’m a very sensitive and caring person; I’m just a little afraid to show it at times and sometimes I don’t know how to show it.
Another big thing that I have realized is, I actually do have an inner child. It’s not just some silly talk... Not only do I have one, but I’ve been terrible to her. I’ve ignored her, I’ve been ashamed of her, I blamed things on her that were not her fault. I let her carry all this pain while I tried to forget about her and leave her behind. I never stopped to heal her or to help her or to listen to her feelings, but I feel her now and I love her and I’m sorry for trying to ignore her. We cry together now; she shares her feelings and memories and I shared her pain. I don’t want to let anyone harm her that way, not ever again.
I’ve also changed the way I look at other people. I’m realizing that we are all bonded though our sufferings. I notice the brokenness in others and I feel greater compassion. I find I don’t want to just make them feel better temporary; I want to help in a more permanent ways. I’m careful about how I touch of tease others, as I’ve noticed that I’ve picked up some habits that a subtly abusive and I’m more aware of that. I’m trying to change those things about myself.
I used to feel aroused by violence in an intense way and I even sought it out. I don’t think I could actually handle sexual violence any longer. I think about it less. I’m trying to develop new feelings about sex. That is happening VERY slowly, but changes are occurring.
My emotional dependencies on others are becoming less.
I’m becoming more courageous; I talked to my brother about the abuse. That was a big step for me.
I’m talking better care of my body.
I’ve broken habits; like smoking too much pot.
I’m becoming more social and talking to others more; Daily Strength helps. I like connecting with others who have been though similar things and have acted out in similar ways. It helps me have more compassion for myself.
I’m a bit more focused at work (unless I’ve recently recalled something troubling).
I’ve started taking time specifically for relaxation.
I’m reading more and spending time solving puzzles… (Feeling like I’m getting my brain functioning correctly again)
I started going to church and I pray more frequently.
I feel better about who I am.
I’m starting to feel like I want to meditate and do some artwork.
The “inner critic” is a lot less critical.
My anxiety is lessening.
Over all, I’m becoming more healthy; I am healing from this.
I’m changing because I’ve decided that it is more important for me to take care of me. I’ve decided that I’m worth caring for and that I need a lot of energy just to tend to my needs. I’m starting to pay attention to my feelings and to identify those needs. Somehow, I’ve always considered that a selfish act or felt that I wasn’t worthy of good things or of being loved. That is changing.
I’ve spent a lot of time being hurt yet pushing back my feelings. Since I was abused sexually as a child, I’ve acted out sexually. Following sexual impulses and harming myself sexually caused me to feel bad about myself, but it also helped me to better define who I am. I was tempted to do many things that that were against my true nature, like to deceive another person in order to seek the thrill I sought. I felt so terrible about myself for even telling the smallest little lies. By going through this however, I learned that loyalty is something which is very important to me.
I’m always going to feel bad about myself it I am not true to myself. I doesn’t matter to others so much; it matters to ME. I’m the one I hurt when I’m not being my true self. I’m a very sensitive and caring person; I’m just a little afraid to show it at times and sometimes I don’t know how to show it.
Another big thing that I have realized is, I actually do have an inner child. It’s not just some silly talk... Not only do I have one, but I’ve been terrible to her. I’ve ignored her, I’ve been ashamed of her, I blamed things on her that were not her fault. I let her carry all this pain while I tried to forget about her and leave her behind. I never stopped to heal her or to help her or to listen to her feelings, but I feel her now and I love her and I’m sorry for trying to ignore her. We cry together now; she shares her feelings and memories and I shared her pain. I don’t want to let anyone harm her that way, not ever again.
I’ve also changed the way I look at other people. I’m realizing that we are all bonded though our sufferings. I notice the brokenness in others and I feel greater compassion. I find I don’t want to just make them feel better temporary; I want to help in a more permanent ways. I’m careful about how I touch of tease others, as I’ve noticed that I’ve picked up some habits that a subtly abusive and I’m more aware of that. I’m trying to change those things about myself.
I used to feel aroused by violence in an intense way and I even sought it out. I don’t think I could actually handle sexual violence any longer. I think about it less. I’m trying to develop new feelings about sex. That is happening VERY slowly, but changes are occurring.
My emotional dependencies on others are becoming less.
I’m becoming more courageous; I talked to my brother about the abuse. That was a big step for me.
I’m talking better care of my body.
I’ve broken habits; like smoking too much pot.
I’m becoming more social and talking to others more; Daily Strength helps. I like connecting with others who have been though similar things and have acted out in similar ways. It helps me have more compassion for myself.
I’m a bit more focused at work (unless I’ve recently recalled something troubling).
I’ve started taking time specifically for relaxation.
I’m reading more and spending time solving puzzles… (Feeling like I’m getting my brain functioning correctly again)
I started going to church and I pray more frequently.
I feel better about who I am.
I’m starting to feel like I want to meditate and do some artwork.
The “inner critic” is a lot less critical.
My anxiety is lessening.
Over all, I’m becoming more healthy; I am healing from this.
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