Progress!
It seems recognizing that intense feeling of dissociation I mentioned in my last journal has had some other effects. One of the other symptoms I've been dealing with is emotional flatness. I figured it had something to do with dissociation when I was looking into it before, but I just felt it happen. That same feeling, but much more subtle. Almost before I was even conscious of it, but I was paying enough attention to see it this time. I was reading through an article about a shop that sells interesting taxidermied animals. It had a lot of pictures. That isn't the kind of thing that usually gets to me and I see why now. I felt a brief flicker of some combination of empathy and disgust, brief enough to miss if I hadn't been paying attention, and then it just faded until I wasn't sure I had felt it at all. I felt myself dissociate from my emotions. This feels like an absolutely huge step. Now that I know what I'm looking for, it's so much easier to see it. (Who would have thought? lol) I feel like I just have to keep noticing when it happens and eventually I'll get control of it.
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Hi matt, what you are doing is part of mindfulness so well done. It is a huge step.
I believe we dissociate to protect ourselves from strong emotions and dangerous situations but in my case it can cause emotional flatness too. I know what caused it but I won’t hijack your journal with my stuff :)
As I got more in touch with my emotions I sometimes went too far and got overwhelmed because I had little experience in moderating feelings healthily and bad role models. I found Buddhist teachings, stoicism and DBT the most helpful. I also did a mindfulness meditation course with a CBT component. I’m still working on it.
You may be ok with feelings and emotions or find a different path. Good luck
Thanks for the support. On the topic of Buddhist teachings, I actually have an interesting experience there. I got diagnosed with Buddhism. I tend to get pretty philosophical and introspective when I don't have anything else on my mind so I've spent a lot of time thinking about that kind of stuff. The spiritual/mystical side of Buddhism and yoga always kept me from taking them seriously enough to do any real reading about them, but mindfulness is how I've always worked on my problems. I haven't always been able to see everything, but the problems I did see were improved in exactly the same way. Just keep noticing, sooner and sooner each time, until I can catch it before it happens. I also realized fairly recently that I have a lot more control over my anxiety than I thought. It's hard to describe without this message getting very long, but the gist of it is that fear and excitement come from the same place. It becomes fear/anxiety if I resist it and try to be in control, but in most situations that would have made me anxious before, I can just let go and feel excited about the unknown instead of anxious about it. Letting go isn't always easy, but I'm getting better at it.
I explained some of that to my therapist and she recommended a book that talks about a lot of the same stuff. The Untethered Soul, if you're familiar. It's based in the teachings of Buddhism and pretty much everything that it explains lines up with my views. I looked into Buddhism and yeah, I'm a secular Buddhist. It was such a strange feeling to see that my own personal philosophy, probably 10-15 years in the making, was actually thousands of years old. Anyway, it felt good to know that I had already put in so much of the work that I would need to get through this (whatever it is) and I do feel like I'm moving in a good direction. I've never come up against a problem in myself that I couldn't get past with patience and awareness. I'm just starting to run out of patience a little bit lol. I think that's a good sign that I'm close to the end, though.
Oh, and feel free to hijack away. I'm always happy to hear about other peoples' experiences and maybe you've figured out something that I haven't.
Yeah, Matt, the same week I got my PTSD diagnosis my therapist who diagnosed me had me join a support group like this one AND a Buddhist meditation group, too. Her purpose wasn't so I'd get religion or anything, it was what Loo said above--so I could develop mindfulness concerning my emotions as I embarked on PTSD recovery. I think that makes me like you, a "secular" Buddhist. What a great way to put it--don't know why it hadn't occurred to me before. Anyway, it helps to notice those more subtle fluctuations in feelings like you mention here, doesn't it? I'll have to look into that book you mention, The Untethered Soul. Love the title, it sounds good.
I'll be honest, it gets a little hard to read about half way through. It kind of just starts going into metaphors to explain the same concepts over and over. But all in all, great book. Definitely recommend it. The way it explains the Buddhist concept of self in the first few chapters is well-written and helped me answer a question I'd been grappling with for years. I had everything figured out except that I didn't have an actual word for what "I" am. I decided to get into yoga after reading it because a lot of the techniques it mentions are at the core of yoga and were things I already practiced to some extent. Might as well go all in lol.
Great insight Matt. I always think so much of a religion is cultural, so I try so separate that from the original message. Sounds like you are thinking along the same lines.