processing

how do i get over what being with my bpd boyfriend has done to me? how do i stop  thinking that each new person i meet is going to suddenly flip out because i didn't fully validate their experience or show enough sympathy or concern or because i showed interest in a focus outside my direct interaction with a person? i feel like i am tiptoeing around people i don't need to tiptoe around. 
advantageously, however, i feel like i am very strong in who i am, now. that i have learned how to support myself emotionally and not rely on others to determine my self worth. i had to do this in order to be with my boyfriend, otherwise the relationship would have killed my spirit. i am also considerably more empathic and compassionate than i used to be. and even if i am dealing with a person whose feelings aren't that important to me (like, say, a customer or someone on the street), i can still verbalize sympathy and make them feel comfortable around me. or maybe i actually feel these things, actually care about people, and am trying to play it down like i'm hard, like i'm badass and don't need nobody.
when i was doing therapy i really hated it, but i wish i had someone to talk to up here. i don't know if my boyfriend is coming back. he said one month of no contact and i'm so sick of being left that i'm not about to contact him, as much as my heart hurts and i miss him. i feel both damaged and improved by this relationship, and the effects are starting to really hit me, probably because i finally, FINALLY, stopped fighting him on his threats to leave me.
i feel really good, and i feel really sad. part of me just wants to get wasted and stay up all night doing creative things. another part just wants to go to bed early. the biggest part wants to find a middle ground, but i'm not really sure where that is...
i had no idea when i started journaling that i would write this much. i have so much on my mind. but i'm pretty tired of all these eggshells underfoot. i don't want anymore drama, and i'm tired of anticipating it. i want to heal from this.
my god it's been almost 5 days since the no-contact thing was initiated by the bf. really? can it be? other than force him to respond to an email telling me he was alive (because he had said he felt suicidal, so i told his mom, and then checked in myself), it has been quiet. i miss him so much, but i don't want to call him, text him, or email him. i think that this hurts me as much as the concept of breaking up. that i would be ready to give up his battle. before i was internalizing it all, feeling that i was not worth it to him. but i know now that that is not true. i know that i AM worth it, but that this is the only way he can control the situation. i honestly do expect to hear from him again, but i am not waiting for it. what i do secretly wish is that maybe, maybe our being apart would cause him to rethink his situation, and that since he now acknowledges his problem to me, his next step would be doing something about it. therapy? medication? dbt? i want so badly to be with him, but i can't endure any more breakups. when he initiates contact again, it will be my responsibility to make it known that this change must take place.
i don't know when i got so fucking strong.