Pre-session processing

A lot has happened recently. Let's start with the big one - the IUI. Not too uncomfortable, basically like a pap test. Mild cramping afterwards, which they said is normal. No spotting. We're hoping we get pregnant from this first try - seeing as we conceived in the past. I focused a lot on breathing and relaxation during the procedure, afterwards, and most days since. My goal is to keep my cortisol levels low to promote fertility.

The other big thing, which happened a couple days prior to that, was some individual behaviour experimentation/exposure therapy. Prior to it, while driving in the maple ridge parking lot, I saw someone who looked like him - Harley. They drove a similar vehicle, and had similar enough features (hair, beard) to trigger my brain. They exited the parking lot, I parked, and acknowledged I was safe and I didn't die from fear. Then I realized I had a lot of time before my session and another counsellor was in the room, so I went for a walk to get coffee. I actively slowed my breathing, incorporated some EMDR eye movement/scanning, and focused on thoughts of safety and anonymity (mask on). Upon returning with my coffee, I felt safe enough and decided to walk around the building. This was huge. My first lap, I paused at the front door and read a sign with all the activities. I focused on slowing my breathing, slowing my heart rate, grounding, and when I felt comfortable, I kept walking. I know I disocciated a couple times in that moment, but that's what I wanted to fight against. I felt a noticeable release in tension when I turned the corner away, so I continued to focus on breathing. I processed how huge that was for me, to actively approach the area he would be (but wasn't likely to be, due to time of day/covid), and I did it again. And again. It got slightly easier, but I also didn't stop on my second and third laps. I just walked past the door. I regulated myself and prepped for my session after that.