Pre-Session Processing

Pain is a trigger for me, there's no denying it. It's clear as day to anyone who interacts with me - if I'm in pain, I'm either withdrawn or snappy. Both are a defense. Today I was in pain and driving, and I was thinking about my session for today. I wanted to name the emotion I felt - so I thought about pain medication (narcotics) and my first thought was "I can't take pain meds when I need them. It's infuriating." And then I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry because I know I have to live with pain without proper management. Maybe one day I'll be able to take pain meds normally again, I eventually got to a point where I could drink, but I'm more afraid of narcotics than alcohol. I went way further with narcotic abuse than I ever did with alcohol. I'm so angry, all I can do is cry. It feels like tears are my only outlet.