"Pour me something stronger than me"

I'm 189 days sober today yet all I can think about is having a drink. I was starting to think I was in control, that one day, maybe one day soon, I would be okay to have a drink. Just one. I wasn't going to push it though, I wanted to be able to say that I could if I wanted to, I could have just one, and then I would stop and I wouldn't turn to alcohol the next time my roller coaster of a life de-railed. I saw on facebook that my ex fiance RSVP'd to a halloween party that I'm going to.. I had an anxiety attack. I texted my best friend, and begged her to go because I wasn't sure that I could do it on my own and she said she wasn't going to go. I am terrified, to death, that I'm going to lose it, terrified that I'm going to drink, because the last time I saw him....the last time we talked, and were in the same room, was the last night I drank, it was the night I broke my sobriety. It was also the last night I drank. It's been 189 days since I've been in the same room as him, and come November 2nd I'm doing it again. I keep having these scenarios come up in my head, scenarios of being at the party and seeing him, and feeling this emptiness... I can't help but cry when this happens, in the scenario and in reality. Sometimes I visualize him walking up behind me as I order a drink at the bar, and he questions that I'm drinking.. other times it's the same scene but he doesn't care.. I've asked my 3 best friends to go to this party with me, one, my best friend alicia, said no, she just doesn't want to go... rachael is out of town that weekend so I don't blame her in the least, and danielle....danielle is just too damn busy to respond to a text from her best friend.. her best friend who texts her while clearly upset... hell, even alicia didn't text back when I texted her while upset today... If I have to keep going through this, someone is seriously going to have to "pour me something stronger than me"-song lyric from nashville. I feel like the only people I have left are my boyfriend and my ex girlfriend.. Tell your best friends that you found out you might have cancer... you'd think they would be there to hold your hand and support you, especially when they know you fight with depression, suicidal thoughts, and alcoholism. It's just too damn bad I'm too good of a person to not be there for them when they need me, because I'll always be there for them, regardless if they're here for me right now.