Post covid impacts

I tested positive for COVID-19 on March 31st, after having symptoms of a head cold/allergies for one day prior. I have since learned that other people at my office got sick at the same time - only one tested and had a positive result. 

Covid damn near killed me. I could barely breathe or take more than 2 steps. Eating was exhausting, slowly I stopped drinking entirely. On Sunday April 3rd I spoke to a nurse via 811 and was told to call an ambulance. I had chest pain, I felt like I'd run a marathon when I hadn't left bed, and I became extremely dizzy. Paramedics attended, put me on oxygen, and inserted an IV. The doctor reported there was nothing that could be done and to rest and drink fluids. I had improved significantly by the time he saw me, thanks to the IV. I had an ECG immediately upon arriving at the hospital, had blood drawn, and a chest x-ray shortly after. Everything was clear, I just had a severe case of "long covid". 

Aside from chest pain, a slight cough, being out of breath constantly, unable to speak more than a couple words... I had significant mental and psychological impairments. I frequently felt like I was high on morphine, I'd become emotional and "sappy" as Daniel put it, and then have a severe crash and become severely depressed. I messaged him a lot, embarrassingly so. I don't remember all of what I said or tried to say, even... I know I had the urge to tell him I loved him, at least once I thanked him for caring so much about me... He'd tell me not to get sappy cause crying would drain me, eventually I told him I was "happy sappy" but I tried to hide the sad that followed. 

I want to have a conversation about it, about how I acted, what I said... I want to apologize if I made him uncomfortable, upset, or triggered him in any way. 

Now that I'm "better" as in, not contagious, I continue to feel awful. I have severe body pain in my muscles, not joints - as I'd expected. My legs hurt and feel weak, my back hurts and feels like it's on the verge of giving out, and I have significant chest pain that alternates sides.

Pain is problematic for me. Pain triggers severe emotional reactions, and makes me want to use. It doesn't help that while I had covid I felt like I was high on Morphine, so now my brain wants to relive that experience. Pain combined with history of drug abuse/dependency/addiction...well... I don't need to say it, but that's a recipe for disaster. So I reached out, while writing this, and asked Daniel if he's free for a "therapy session" because I need someone who knows my addiction history, understands it, understands me to my core, and truly cares.

You're probably thinking - isn't that your husband's job? You're probably right... He and I have a different relationship. He knows the information but he doesn't truly understand it. He doesn't truly understand how quick a slip can be. He also doesn't know that I was drugged, repeatedly... That I became addicted to- something. Best guess is fentanyl, or crack. All I know is I blacked out most of it. He just wouldn't understand... So I messaged Daniel. I want to use, badly. I want to stop the emotional and physical pain. I want to shut it all off and out and I want to get high. I want drugs.