Post-Baby Shower Processing

I have the time, so I figure I should process in preparation for my session on Wednesday. I hosted Dawn's baby shower on Saturday. It was less difficult than I expected, but I was on edge most of the day. I felt like a cornered animal all morning prior; I couldn't escape people asking me questions and being everywhere I needed to go. Realistically, it probably wasn't as bad as it felt, I was just so tense and needed breathing room. I held it together while people socialized and decorated onesies (a hit at the party). It was seeing Dawn's face as she read a letter that their cousin Debbie had written to the baby that nearly broke me. I keep thinking about its, and how I need to write one to my own. I need that emotional, cathartic release. Not now, maybe tomorrow. 

I've been finding myself tempted to write the letter to Harley. I've started it mentally many times while driving. Today I began it by saying "Dear Harley, I hate you, with all my heart, but more than that, I hate myself. I hate what you did to me... but more than that, I hate myself for letting you". I stopped there, and decided that when I do write it, I want to do so at a park. I want to be in the park, alone, so I can walk out the aggression, feel a release, and feel like I can process as much as I need. I think it'll be healthier (and safer) than planning to drive angry.

I'm close to ready to open that Pandora's box, but with a session this week to focus on the miscarriage and baby shower, and then 3 weeks without while Jessica is off, I'm not sure it's a good idea. I think I'd rather know I have access to a session if needed... Seems safer. I'm rocking this safety planning, unintentionally.