Pleasure and Pain *trigger warning, sexually explicit*
So, I’ve been going through a lot of stuff lately. For me, any sexual exploration comes with a lot of emotion and self-realization. Since I recalled the incest last year, I’ve repressed my sexual urges to an extent. First trying to stop them completely and that was fine for a while. I was dealing with so many emotions all at once, it was crazy. I slowly started to take a look at my sexuality again, thinking okay, a lot of what arouses me is harmful to me. Some of may not really be harmful... I’ve been trying to think about what I can keep and what I should get rid of. I’m sexually submissive and a masochist, and know that it is all tied into the abuse; I’ve been repeating the trauma, all subconsciously. Now I’m conscious of what I am doing (at least to an extent). That complicated things a lot.
So, I’ve explored various types of D/s relationships online. I’ve been with sadistic, emotionally abusive doms and also with very caring nurturing doms who simply longed to have control. I’ve experimented with several in between. I know that there are some things I take from each experience which are meaningful to me in some way. Anyway, after a time away from it, I feel myself wanting to be drawn back in. It starts out with just wanting to be sexual, and knowing that this is the key to my arousal. I know that being controlled (by someone who has my best interests in mind), is the safest way for me to explore my kink. Feel controlled = feel aroused. So I have all these ideas about submitting to someone who will help me be healthier, a compromise.
So, I try to stay in the “safe” realm and play, however, try as I may to repress it, knowing it is not healthy, I am quite certainly a masochist, and the more pain I feel, the more arousal I feel. I guess it was only a matter of time before I remembered that. I’ve been trying to just avoid pain, because I know where it can take me. It’s a powerful drug and there is a limitless supply of it. I had a dom who pushed me towards this discovery. It’s like any drug, you build a tolerance and withdraw is difficult; very difficult. I already know this, so I suppress my inner masochist as much as I can. Well, I gave into it.
There were several things that happened to cause me to feel tempted. I was on a website, meeting place for people into BDSM. When you are online, you receive more messages, and so I was hanging out online for a bit; there was this BDSM quiz and so I took it, two of them actually. It rates you on different stuff. One said I was only 68% submissive and of course submission is the only aspect of my sexuality I have been allowing myself to explore, both quizzes said, above all else, you are a masochist... and so I thought about that, how I answered the questions, what arouses me, and it’s undeniable. I’m a total masochist. Pain is arousal. So I started thinking about this.
Then I got onto Second Life, which is this virtual world where I play out my fantasies. I’m very much aroused by spanking, but I try to keep it under control; you know lighter, longer spankings, nothing too intense, even in role-play (no whips etc.). So, I was talking with this man who shares my fetish and he said, “oh, now that is not really a spanking.” He told me that he once had a woman beg him to spank her until she cried. He said it wasn’t so much about the pain, but about it being an act of submission to him. I understood what he meant. Being pushed to tears, it’s being pushed to pain beyond what I would want to allow. I would beg for the pain to stop, but it would continue. It’s giving up control; it’s outside of my will. I’ve never submitted to anything that extreme in real life, but oh how I have thought about it. It is only in recent years that I have tried to tone down my fantasies, but there was a time a real harsh spanking was my heart’s desire. The man logged off and I was left with these thoughts; such a deep, unsatisfied desire. It’s like being broken. Why should I desire to be broken? I think it’s about accessing/releasing this deep pain.
So, I used a belt on myself, and I didn’t hold back as I do. I just wanted to get it out of me, as much as I could take. Hard licks with a leather strap. I was rushing with endorphins and as twisted as it seems to some folks, it felt so good. I can really take a licking when it comes down to it. It would take a lot of pain to bring me to tears. I tired, but I didn’t get there, yet the more pain I felt, the more aroused I was, and so I indulged myself... There is something about a good adrenaline rush that really sends you flying during orgasm. I flew and then I cried. I’m so screwed up, pain is enjoyable and orgasms make me cry. It felt good though, it felt good to release those tears; I think maybe it’s the only way that I can reach the place where all that pain resides. I didn’t feel like holding back, I spent hours endulging. More spanking, tearing clothespins off of my nipples; I was able to fly all over again. More pain = more arousal. I did this twice more, not repressing my orgasm as I sometimes do; I allowed myself to experience them fully. I orgasmed a total of five times, spanked myself way too many times to count, and cried my heart out. I was flying, a natural opiate high, for hours.
And there you have it; a complete masochist. There is this one man I try to avoid, because I’m attracted to him in a very unhealthy way; of all the people I’ve experimented with; he’s the only true sadist. He can bring me in touch with my deep inner pain too; all tied up as it is with my sexual arousal and desire. I thought about that; this is what I seek from him...
It feels good to cry; all of it mixed together, it’s this powerful release. I think it’s the only way I can get it out. Only there is so much of it, I don’t ever seem to get enough. How can I ever purge myself of this pain that is so deeply entrenched in my soul? Will I ever really release it? Be free of it?
I took part in a purification ceremony this morning, where you write down what you want to be rid out, and burn the paper in a fire, offering it up to God. There is prayer and meditation; it was very powerful really. I knew just what to write down on my piece of paper. I’m supposed to let God have it, and thank him for freeing me. I could feel this pain, and I cried and prayed, take it from me. I don’t even know what that would feel like to be without this pain... It’s a good thing to pray for I suppose.
So, I’ve explored various types of D/s relationships online. I’ve been with sadistic, emotionally abusive doms and also with very caring nurturing doms who simply longed to have control. I’ve experimented with several in between. I know that there are some things I take from each experience which are meaningful to me in some way. Anyway, after a time away from it, I feel myself wanting to be drawn back in. It starts out with just wanting to be sexual, and knowing that this is the key to my arousal. I know that being controlled (by someone who has my best interests in mind), is the safest way for me to explore my kink. Feel controlled = feel aroused. So I have all these ideas about submitting to someone who will help me be healthier, a compromise.
So, I try to stay in the “safe” realm and play, however, try as I may to repress it, knowing it is not healthy, I am quite certainly a masochist, and the more pain I feel, the more arousal I feel. I guess it was only a matter of time before I remembered that. I’ve been trying to just avoid pain, because I know where it can take me. It’s a powerful drug and there is a limitless supply of it. I had a dom who pushed me towards this discovery. It’s like any drug, you build a tolerance and withdraw is difficult; very difficult. I already know this, so I suppress my inner masochist as much as I can. Well, I gave into it.
There were several things that happened to cause me to feel tempted. I was on a website, meeting place for people into BDSM. When you are online, you receive more messages, and so I was hanging out online for a bit; there was this BDSM quiz and so I took it, two of them actually. It rates you on different stuff. One said I was only 68% submissive and of course submission is the only aspect of my sexuality I have been allowing myself to explore, both quizzes said, above all else, you are a masochist... and so I thought about that, how I answered the questions, what arouses me, and it’s undeniable. I’m a total masochist. Pain is arousal. So I started thinking about this.
Then I got onto Second Life, which is this virtual world where I play out my fantasies. I’m very much aroused by spanking, but I try to keep it under control; you know lighter, longer spankings, nothing too intense, even in role-play (no whips etc.). So, I was talking with this man who shares my fetish and he said, “oh, now that is not really a spanking.” He told me that he once had a woman beg him to spank her until she cried. He said it wasn’t so much about the pain, but about it being an act of submission to him. I understood what he meant. Being pushed to tears, it’s being pushed to pain beyond what I would want to allow. I would beg for the pain to stop, but it would continue. It’s giving up control; it’s outside of my will. I’ve never submitted to anything that extreme in real life, but oh how I have thought about it. It is only in recent years that I have tried to tone down my fantasies, but there was a time a real harsh spanking was my heart’s desire. The man logged off and I was left with these thoughts; such a deep, unsatisfied desire. It’s like being broken. Why should I desire to be broken? I think it’s about accessing/releasing this deep pain.
So, I used a belt on myself, and I didn’t hold back as I do. I just wanted to get it out of me, as much as I could take. Hard licks with a leather strap. I was rushing with endorphins and as twisted as it seems to some folks, it felt so good. I can really take a licking when it comes down to it. It would take a lot of pain to bring me to tears. I tired, but I didn’t get there, yet the more pain I felt, the more aroused I was, and so I indulged myself... There is something about a good adrenaline rush that really sends you flying during orgasm. I flew and then I cried. I’m so screwed up, pain is enjoyable and orgasms make me cry. It felt good though, it felt good to release those tears; I think maybe it’s the only way that I can reach the place where all that pain resides. I didn’t feel like holding back, I spent hours endulging. More spanking, tearing clothespins off of my nipples; I was able to fly all over again. More pain = more arousal. I did this twice more, not repressing my orgasm as I sometimes do; I allowed myself to experience them fully. I orgasmed a total of five times, spanked myself way too many times to count, and cried my heart out. I was flying, a natural opiate high, for hours.
And there you have it; a complete masochist. There is this one man I try to avoid, because I’m attracted to him in a very unhealthy way; of all the people I’ve experimented with; he’s the only true sadist. He can bring me in touch with my deep inner pain too; all tied up as it is with my sexual arousal and desire. I thought about that; this is what I seek from him...
It feels good to cry; all of it mixed together, it’s this powerful release. I think it’s the only way I can get it out. Only there is so much of it, I don’t ever seem to get enough. How can I ever purge myself of this pain that is so deeply entrenched in my soul? Will I ever really release it? Be free of it?
I took part in a purification ceremony this morning, where you write down what you want to be rid out, and burn the paper in a fire, offering it up to God. There is prayer and meditation; it was very powerful really. I knew just what to write down on my piece of paper. I’m supposed to let God have it, and thank him for freeing me. I could feel this pain, and I cried and prayed, take it from me. I don’t even know what that would feel like to be without this pain... It’s a good thing to pray for I suppose.
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