Please God .... Let him find peace
Things have been rocky in my life lately and as I have so often since Randy Lee's struggles with addictions started back in 1998 - I've turned to a therapist to help me find answers for myself. I don't go weekly but I do go when I feel I need the support and have over the years. This came from a question last week on "Was there ever a time you conceded to the knowledge you did not have control?"
It was one of those weeks when my gut told me something just wasn't right. As it had been for too many years it seemed always to turn back to Randy Lee was using again. Little facts that just seemed to fall in to place that were haunting you enough to tell you "Hey - Hey - pay attention". So, I made that too familiar phone call to set up a UA for Randy Lee and drove home to take him. I knew the moment I told him we needed to go in for an appointment simply by his response that my feeling was spot on. "You hate me" " You never believe me" "This is bullshit" followed by driving this angry young man to the Dr. office to have the UA. Walking in with attitude, arms folded across his chest as he slumped down in a chair with the present eye roll as I checked him in. Then the refusal "I don't need to go". So - go get some water - I'll wait. More attitude ... more eye roll ... finally he gives in knowing we're not leaving without the test. Then more of the "you hate me" statements all the way home. I've become an expert at hiding my feelings in the middle of an argument as self protection. Then the "Dad - she did it again!" and more questions, doubt from his dad. These days - I just feel so alone.
Two days later the test results I knew but prayed I would be wrong. Positive - he's using again. As I leave a friend's house driving home to confront him I can't hold it in any more. I just start to bawl and sob for him ... for me ... for feeling hopeless & helpless. We've done rehab 4 times ... what's left? I remember to this day the very spot I was on the interstate when I cried out "God ... please ... I can't do this any more... I'm out of ideas and strength .... Please .... God .... please ... I'm giving it to you ... please let him find peace from this addiction."
Arriving at home I sat in the car for what seemed like an eternity before going in to deliver the news. Instant anger and rage from his eyes when I told him he tested positive. I knew then - he was using - that wasn't my son but rather the drug taking over his body & mind again. He became argumentative, and aggressive as his dad sat on the sofa and watched without a word. Then the moment I surrendered. Randy Lee hit me... and I hit him back from anger. I let him know he was not going to do that. Turned to his dad and asked why he just sat there and nothing .... I knew. I packed a bag and moved out. Randy Lee would be 18 in days and I wouldn't have anything in my power to do to help - he wasn't willing to even admit this. "The Dr. is your friend - he's lying for you - everyone is out to get me -- I'm not doing this and you don't believe me!!". I recall telling his dad "You wanted it - he's yours. You try it and see how easy it is". Leaving was bitter sweet - it was what I needed for me but doing what I needed for me was selfish.
I have always believed in God ~ I haven't always understood God's choices but he I believe in. I know in my heart Randy Lee did as well. I never believed the drugs took all of that from him - inside his heart, deep inside ... he had belief.
There are few memories during those years that stand out in my mind now as pivotal moments - that day driving asking God to help him is one of those for me.
This memory has come back to me so many times over the last 13 years. I've taken comfort from it ... I've regretted it somehow thinking did I cause his death? I've realized it was from my desperation I prayed for an answer ... and received an answer I never wanted.
13 years later I know in my heart Randy Lee is at peace. The struggles of his addiction, the hold on him from drugs is gone and he's at peace. I wish I still had him here to bear hug or hear him say "Mother!!" but sadly that wasn't the path of his life. Randy Lee lives in my heart and always shall.
For the first time in life since that moment I feel myself crying, praying for an outcome for my life I haven't realized is out of my control. Do I compromise and give in letting my husband have his way which I know will make me miserable or do I stand up for what I want, what I need and what I know I can't be happy without and risk losing him? Do I have him? Is happiness waiting around the corner in a new direction? I'm not good at letting go - at trusting once deceived ... at forgiving ... It's an answer I need to find in order to find peace.
Peace ... maybe that's our eternal search ....
It was one of those weeks when my gut told me something just wasn't right. As it had been for too many years it seemed always to turn back to Randy Lee was using again. Little facts that just seemed to fall in to place that were haunting you enough to tell you "Hey - Hey - pay attention". So, I made that too familiar phone call to set up a UA for Randy Lee and drove home to take him. I knew the moment I told him we needed to go in for an appointment simply by his response that my feeling was spot on. "You hate me" " You never believe me" "This is bullshit" followed by driving this angry young man to the Dr. office to have the UA. Walking in with attitude, arms folded across his chest as he slumped down in a chair with the present eye roll as I checked him in. Then the refusal "I don't need to go". So - go get some water - I'll wait. More attitude ... more eye roll ... finally he gives in knowing we're not leaving without the test. Then more of the "you hate me" statements all the way home. I've become an expert at hiding my feelings in the middle of an argument as self protection. Then the "Dad - she did it again!" and more questions, doubt from his dad. These days - I just feel so alone.
Two days later the test results I knew but prayed I would be wrong. Positive - he's using again. As I leave a friend's house driving home to confront him I can't hold it in any more. I just start to bawl and sob for him ... for me ... for feeling hopeless & helpless. We've done rehab 4 times ... what's left? I remember to this day the very spot I was on the interstate when I cried out "God ... please ... I can't do this any more... I'm out of ideas and strength .... Please .... God .... please ... I'm giving it to you ... please let him find peace from this addiction."
Arriving at home I sat in the car for what seemed like an eternity before going in to deliver the news. Instant anger and rage from his eyes when I told him he tested positive. I knew then - he was using - that wasn't my son but rather the drug taking over his body & mind again. He became argumentative, and aggressive as his dad sat on the sofa and watched without a word. Then the moment I surrendered. Randy Lee hit me... and I hit him back from anger. I let him know he was not going to do that. Turned to his dad and asked why he just sat there and nothing .... I knew. I packed a bag and moved out. Randy Lee would be 18 in days and I wouldn't have anything in my power to do to help - he wasn't willing to even admit this. "The Dr. is your friend - he's lying for you - everyone is out to get me -- I'm not doing this and you don't believe me!!". I recall telling his dad "You wanted it - he's yours. You try it and see how easy it is". Leaving was bitter sweet - it was what I needed for me but doing what I needed for me was selfish.
I have always believed in God ~ I haven't always understood God's choices but he I believe in. I know in my heart Randy Lee did as well. I never believed the drugs took all of that from him - inside his heart, deep inside ... he had belief.
There are few memories during those years that stand out in my mind now as pivotal moments - that day driving asking God to help him is one of those for me.
This memory has come back to me so many times over the last 13 years. I've taken comfort from it ... I've regretted it somehow thinking did I cause his death? I've realized it was from my desperation I prayed for an answer ... and received an answer I never wanted.
13 years later I know in my heart Randy Lee is at peace. The struggles of his addiction, the hold on him from drugs is gone and he's at peace. I wish I still had him here to bear hug or hear him say "Mother!!" but sadly that wasn't the path of his life. Randy Lee lives in my heart and always shall.
For the first time in life since that moment I feel myself crying, praying for an outcome for my life I haven't realized is out of my control. Do I compromise and give in letting my husband have his way which I know will make me miserable or do I stand up for what I want, what I need and what I know I can't be happy without and risk losing him? Do I have him? Is happiness waiting around the corner in a new direction? I'm not good at letting go - at trusting once deceived ... at forgiving ... It's an answer I need to find in order to find peace.
Peace ... maybe that's our eternal search ....
Replies
Give yourself all the time that you need to sort and sift through all of this. Only you know or will know what you can and cannot live with and life has a way of presenting moments where huge changes can be made by those who understand they need to make them. You cannot change what has happened between your husband and you, yet you can move into your heart space where your answers are.
Sometimes I have found that when it feels as if nothing is happening much is. It\'s like a tree that might not look as if it\'s been growing, yet it is because it is developing a strong root system under the ground so that it can stand tall with what will come its way. Perhaps in a way this is such a time for you. Much is happening deep within and you don\'t need to know what action to take right now. Trust that you will know when to act and when not to and to allow yourself the time that is needed by really listening to what your BEing is saying on all levels. My body is a huge indicator for me these days and my mind can try to override it, yet when I tap into what my body is feeling there are my answers.
Peace is vital and IS the path. May you find pockets full of it and know that YOU matter.
Loving care and I hear your heart,
XO Joanie
Thank you. I know things fall into place and I\'m just letting it all play a bit hard. It will be what it\'s to be.