Plain Tired

I'm so tired.  I'm finally getting a break from work.  It's not that my job is strenuous.  I just get tired of dealing with people every day.  Sometimes it's even difficult for me to deal with my own family.  I'm the kind of person that needs to be alone to be content.  Since I was neglected as a child, I adapted to my environment and got used to being all by myself.  Having people depend on me every day is stressful.  Why people decide to keep reproducing is beyond my comprehension.  I love my children, and even though one child lives with his father, I sometimes think how difficult my life would be without motherhood.  Would I feel empty without them if they never existed?  Maybe I wouldn't be a better person without them.  I don't want them to grown up and look back on their childhood with me and feel the same way I feel about my own mother--anger and bitterness.  

Will my older son resent me because I'm missing half of his childhood?  When it comes to him, I don't have much of a choice.  I've reached out to him before, and he doesn't seem to want to be with me.  I understand things got crazy.  Especially with him having to go back and forth each week between households.  That's not a healthy lifestyle for a child.  Not to mention how we live completely different lives from his father and grandparents.  He likes they way that they live better.  And I think that he left because he didn't want to leave his dad alone.  He saw I had his brother and my husband.  I believe he did not want to abandon his dad.  Sure, I miss him terribly, but this way is better for him.  Maybe if he doesn't see me, it doesn't hurt that we live different lives.  Out of sight, out of mind.

And of course it didn't help that his father yelled at him for calling my husband "Dad".  The day he told me that made me realize that it was never going to work trying to raise this child between two households.  Poor kid.  No wonder he acted up so much in school.  

Shit.  I gotta go.  My baby boy wants ice cream.  He just asked me if I was happy.  I said yeah.  This is what brings me out of the pit of despair...his little voice.  I guess being a mother and having people depend on me isn't so bad.