Perpetual state of anxiety
I live in a perpetual state of anxiety. It won't stop, it won't go away, it won't ease off. I nearly have panic attacks when i let my dog out in the Yard, as that is where he was attacked. I have anxiety when I walk from a vehicle in my driveway to my front door... I have anxiety walking around the inside of my house... Taking the garbage out... Walking to/from the bus for school/work..when the phone rings... I'm in a constant state of anxiety and fear and I can't get over it, it won't stop, it won't ease off..
Today my brother flipped out because I said I wasn't sure what my plan is for thanksgiving, my boyfriend's dinner is Sunday and my family discussed having ours Sunday but the date was never confirmed, I said I wasn't sure because I didn't know what our plans were and he screamed at me. He said I should choose family first, which is fine but my family never confirmed a date and he refused to even listen to me or be rational. I had just walked in the door from class and sat down to eat dinner, I'd had a long day and talked about sexual assault/rape cases in class and was in no mood to deal with anything stressful. I've been having anxiety for months and this pushed me over the edge.
My mom told me I shouldn't react so emotionally... As if it's my fault I have a severe anxiety disorder that I cannot control.. But somehow I should control it. He screamed at me and I sat quietly eating until he continued and she started yelling too, so I progressively got more upset, and then she wouldn't let it go or leave me alone, neither of them would. I tried to continue eating without reacting but they kept badgering when I said I wasn't sure and hadn't decided. Of course I'm going to get upset if I can't even eat my dinner in silence. I just wanted the day to end nicely.. I dread Mondays when he's home for dinner, every week I walk in from class and dread seeing him, dread speaking to him, dread having to listen to him bitch about things that have nothing to do with him.
I've grown to dislike my brother quite a lot.. I hate his presence, he makes me uncomfortable, anxious and stressed.
I suffer severe PTSD because of the dog being attacked.. This mere sentence brought me to instantaneous tears. I can't handle it. I fear how I would feel had he not survived... I fear it will happen again and he may not be so lucky a second time around... I want to kill every single racoon I see... I hate them. I want them dead.
Today my brother flipped out because I said I wasn't sure what my plan is for thanksgiving, my boyfriend's dinner is Sunday and my family discussed having ours Sunday but the date was never confirmed, I said I wasn't sure because I didn't know what our plans were and he screamed at me. He said I should choose family first, which is fine but my family never confirmed a date and he refused to even listen to me or be rational. I had just walked in the door from class and sat down to eat dinner, I'd had a long day and talked about sexual assault/rape cases in class and was in no mood to deal with anything stressful. I've been having anxiety for months and this pushed me over the edge.
My mom told me I shouldn't react so emotionally... As if it's my fault I have a severe anxiety disorder that I cannot control.. But somehow I should control it. He screamed at me and I sat quietly eating until he continued and she started yelling too, so I progressively got more upset, and then she wouldn't let it go or leave me alone, neither of them would. I tried to continue eating without reacting but they kept badgering when I said I wasn't sure and hadn't decided. Of course I'm going to get upset if I can't even eat my dinner in silence. I just wanted the day to end nicely.. I dread Mondays when he's home for dinner, every week I walk in from class and dread seeing him, dread speaking to him, dread having to listen to him bitch about things that have nothing to do with him.
I've grown to dislike my brother quite a lot.. I hate his presence, he makes me uncomfortable, anxious and stressed.
I suffer severe PTSD because of the dog being attacked.. This mere sentence brought me to instantaneous tears. I can't handle it. I fear how I would feel had he not survived... I fear it will happen again and he may not be so lucky a second time around... I want to kill every single racoon I see... I hate them. I want them dead.
Replies