perfect narcissists daughter
I couldn't sleep for several days following the election. I decided if I couldn't sleep by the end of the week, i'd ask a dr. for help. I started meditating again for the first time 2 days ago. During my meditation I thought of an image I saw on televsion of a daughter sitting, slick long muscled legs crossed, black dress, long blond hair , on a plush golden chair. smart, beautiful, thin and can handle a mean pair of stilettos. She is every narcissists dad’s dream daughter. There is some other part of me -that listens to the wind ,and the sound of traffic that my mind can transform into the sound of the ocean. I remember that being a narcisists daughter - is also like being a pet. when asked to be thin (sit) you obey. When asked to be smart (heal) you obey. When asked to turn a blind eye to sexual assault - you obey. There is a price to pay in becoming an object. The influence of outside admiration for a fake self can be enough to ignore the inner, real self and therfore you can continue - living in a noise that keeps you away from your scared, vulnerable, self. This election, while I sit outside in the cold trying to meditate - trying to find my center - which is incredibly hard to do at this time - trying to not only get to that place, but to stay in that place. I think that the outcome of this election will allow some to veer away from themselves - while others, will only become more centered with themselves - less in a box - less of something they need to prove to the outside world. more wisdom, less perfect skin. More love, less long rapunzel shiny hair. more ease, less stilettos. Why do we admire these things as a society - how did we get to the point where not only do we admire -but aspire to become closer to these fake god-like figures. untouchable - beyond beautiful. farther from the god within but projecting a ego-god precence. I'm done with my mediation and I wonder - where do I go from here - and I hear a whisper that only says, "come back tomorrow."
Replies
Wow, Nikkole, this is really a fine, beautiful, meaningful entry. Did you say you are an IT professional? I think you are an artist.
I also looked at that woman on TV, that perfect narcissists daughter, and was jealous that she could be that perfect daughter and found the way to please him, whereas I could never make myself pleasing. Or maybe I could have, but at too high a price.
I look forward to your unfolding journey. I am soothed by the beauty of your writing and your visions, and also learn from you. Thank you for being here and sharing with us.
I was almost struck down with the beauty of this. You really did bring me right into your thoughts with it. I admire your ability to try to meditate like that. I have tried so hard and have never been successful.
The election brought about horrible inward feelings for me and to veer off from myself. Your entry of these perfect people reminds me of some things I see on pinterest and ask myself why people want to be this way, over the top. Is it a form of expression? Humans need to express themselves somehow I suppose.
Come back tomorrow sounds perfect.
nikkole,
You wonder "why" we, as a society, admire the "fake god-like figures" and I often wonder the same thing. But I find "why" questions hard to answer because there are too many possibilities so I change the why to "how"--how do we admire the fake god-like figures, that is, how do we need to act to be admired. By changing the focus of the question it helps me discover ways I don't want to be. I don't want to be that ultra thin girl with long legs, and blonde hair. I don't want to be what society tells me is acceptable--I want to be me in spite of societal dictates.
The sad, but inevitable reality is that I didn't know "who" I wanted to be when I was younger and most certainly had no idea of who I was when I was a child. So, I accepted the false, fractured belief system of my family and became a "man trap" whose only real value was sexual. And I accepted the unbalanced view of society that makes women "less than" and as a result I always "played small."
Today, when I look back at my past behaviors I am overcome with remorse that only compassion tempers. And I continue my search for ways survivors can heal themselves...especially ways to change a neural brain system that in its innocence and ignorance made neural connections foisted on us by others; connections that trap us in a world of self-doubt, anger and fear.
The journey to me has been long and hard. And, yes, the "influence of outside admiration for a fake self " held me captive for 40 years but the emotional pain of being false was too great to continue living the lie. I think the heavy weight of emotional pain is what pushes many people into the search for true self. Can it be otherwise? I don't know. What I do know is that emotional pain is a powerful motivator for change.
xx
SuzA
Doo and DW - thanks for your very kind words. If you saw me rant on Facebook, you would hardly recognize me as the same person. I'm seriously touched by your thoughts on my post. SuzA, I like this statement, "remorse that only compassion tempers" and "connections that trap us in a world of self-doubt, anger and fear". and I think your absolutely right t- emotional pain is a powerful motivator for change. I also think that emotional pain can go in the opposite direction and be a motivator for very bad behavior.