Too Many Things at Once

So if you ask me right now how do you feel, I'm going to say: everywhere! The last four days have been quite fucked up. A lot has happened in that time frame and I don't think it’s processing so well all at once.

I don’t even know which part of these few days I should start with. Before I discuss this, I should mention I do believe the world drops signs, I do believe there are situations where destiny is trying to tell you something.

Anyway, so this morning I watched a video posted on YouTube on Sep 1 and it’s really freaking me out. When I clicked the link I thought it was a love song; I was wrong. It was not a song; in fact it was a 22-minute video about someone’s rape story. Why did a movie about rape pop on my next list when I was watching a Demi Lovato video? Not to mention just after I finally opened up about my –might have been- experience! At this point I’m thinking what the fuck? Why? There are too many things that are similar yet so much is different. Similarities: 1. The date it happened (Oct. 2010). 2. Location (house party) 3. The moment she described being paralyzed and how she was looking at other things, I know that. I wrote something similar in my last entry. However, there are many differences as well. She knows what happened, she’s sure she was raped; I can’t even confirm if it was fact or a figment of my imagination! If it is a fact, I don’t remember most of the night. Watching the movie was painful. A kind of pain I don’t think I’ve felt before. It was a mix of panic attack combined with too much analysis. I wasn’t in the same state of mind I’m in when having a panic attack, but the physical aspect of it was present. The shaking. Shortness of breath. Feeling as if someone is literally squeezing my heart from the inside. I still feel it. It’s more faint now, but still lingering in me. I wasn’t sure who I should speak with and found myself here.

Moving on to the next thing on my mind, though kind of relates to the topic I guess… I did something, but I can't decide how I feel about it yet. A part of me says it was a stupid move, the other part is telling me it’s about fucking time. I told my therapist about that night. I didn’t go into as much detail as I did in my entry, because it was 10x more difficult to say out loud, which I did not anticipate. While writing that entry I fell apart, I was at home, alone, in my bed and it took me hours to get through it. But having to say the words out loud, to know that someone is really listening to what I’m saying, every word, that was excruciating. That, I was not expecting. In one of my prior sessions, R had asked whether or not I had been assaulted or raped. I wasn’t ready to discuss it. I wasn’t -and remain- unsure of what happened that night. I don’t remember the conversation accurately, but I do know that I mentioned that it was a bad experience. Because I’m not sure if it happened or what happened, I can’t seem to categorize this as assault or rape. Even if it did happen, I said yes to the flirting, the kissing and going to the study so what should I have expected? To be honest, I wasn’t planning on telling her. After the post I contemplated whether or not I should, after all I had just written a detailed post about one of the worst experiences  -if not THE worst- but I decided that I’m not ready to sit through an analysis and scoping of the matter. I’m not ready. But the thing is I had a question I wanted to ask, and it didn’t really make sense without at least some sort of background information. I wanted to know if it’s common to not be able to tell if a nightmare is a flashback or just nightmare. Does this mean anything? If so, what and why? Saying what I had to say took about 20 minutes. But those felt like hours. Time felt like it wasn’t moving. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I felt my body heating up. I had a lot of difficulty looking up, looking her in the eye. I felt ashamed of some sort. I felt exposed and naked. I was scared. I felt like I couldn’t speak at certain points. And I was afraid of what R might be thinking. I felt the need to apologize. When I go quiet, when I can’t look up, when I was about to cry. She asked why I was apologizing and I couldn’t really respond at the time, but a few reasons were going through my head. I’m sorry you have to hear this. I’m sorry for being so flustered and not being clear. I’m sorry you might not believe what I’m saying. I’m sorry for my existence. I’m sorry. For everything. I couldn’t say that to her though.

She pointed out something after I was done talking. She said that I seem to have dissociated myself from what happened so much that at points I was telling the story as if it wasn’t my experience, noted that I was sometimes smiling or even laughing. I can’t determine if it was actually dissociation or me trying not to process what I’m saying because at the end of the session I have to walk out that door and be perfectly fine. Saying what I had said, reliving it, letting my emotions in, that would destroy me again and after the hour is over I have to go back to the world pretending that I am going home from work because no body can know that I was seeing a therapist. No one can know that I have been through all this shit. Whether it’s the topic of Darek, the topic of my family, my friends, my depression, or my anxiety, no one can know anything that happens in that hour. To the rest of the world, I was late at the office.

So yeah... That happened. I'm not sure how I feel about it all to be honest. Confused a little, worried, embarrassed and scared. Aside from that topic, in this session she asked about the suicidal thoughts. They're still there. They come and go now. Which is a relief because they used to be continuous. She did say something that scared me. She asked if I had access. I do. But doesn't everyone? When I said yes, she said she has to take action. That scared me because what exactly does that mean? Who is she going to tell if she is? I told her I'm not acting on it, they're just thoughts. Plus, like realistically that’s why I’m there. One of my bigger issues and reasons I went in the first place is that the thoughts are there. What she said freaked me out. It's still freaking me out. It’s just that I now have doubts, I mean if me saying I have suicidal thoughts means her having to say something to someone, I might as well not go, because my response will be a lie. I can't even think about it now though because it's more stress that I can't handle.

If you’re still in the mood to read some more I have a few more big things that have happened this week. Three more to be exact. 1. I had a fight with S (someone I thought was a close friend). 2. I’m going backpacking to Europe in two days. 3. I had a job interview –two to be exact. So if you’re interested, keep reading, lol.

So like I said, I had a fight with S yesterday. The whole fight has me so hurt that I can’t stop thinking about it. I’ve spoken about her in previous entries, but in short, we met in university and hit it off. Friends for 6 years now. The first three to four years she didn’t know much about me except if it was university related. From my side, I used to consider her my first real friend. I never had friends, but S was a much better friend than the ones I had before, so that made me conclude that she’s a good friend. However, when I moved back to the Middle East and met my group of friends here and saw that the relationships were not one –way as they were with S, I began to understand that she was not a true friend. Slowly, I began to really process what she was doing was not what a friend does. Not responding unless it relates to her. Not wanting to talk unless it’s a convenient time for her. And many more things. I wanted to talk to her about it. I figured, we spent so much time together I’m sure this is worth discussing. The thing is, I wanted to be considerate and wait until she was done exams so that if this did phase her one bit, it wouldn’t affect her university work. So I kept quite. When she finished her courses I was travelling and not much messaging had been happening between us so I figured it wasn’t appropriate to go into the topic out of the blue. Anyway, when I came back from my work trip last week, I tried to call her. Twice, no answer. She didn’t call back or text until two days later, at which time I was busy and couldn’t pick up. I called back when I could, no answer. The next morning I woke up and she had sent a photo of some mail I received. I responded a short text regarding the mail and then asked how she was doing. She then said she was doing shit and going through an issue with her family, which has been going on for almost two years now. Now I’m the kind of person that believes if something is bothering you and you’re my friend, no matter how big or small it seems to me, I’ll be there for you. If it’s important to you, it’s important to me. So we didn’t really discuss the situation. I sent a sad face and asked if there was anything I can do. No response. I assumed here that she just doesn’t want to discuss. If she’s trying to study for an exam or write a paper and discusses what is happening, she will never study or get things done. So a lot of the time she deals with the family issue later and focuses on whatever schoolwork she has at hand. So I assumed that this was the case as well. Neither of us commented or messaged –which is normal. The next day I had a job interview. And I wanted to tell her what happened because I’m having mixed feelings and could use advice. Her response to my messages was “didn’t you see that I’m in a crisis? You always do this btw.” I saw that message and I literally wanted to cry, to smash something, to punch her in the face and to throw my phone across the room. All I could think was: “SERIOUSLY?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!” I could not believe my eyes. What does she mean I always do this? She does 80% of the talking, she only talks when it’s convenient for her. Never has she stayed up an extra 10 minutes to give me a call –but I should stay up to help her, she doesn’t respond to my “I need help, I’m having a panic attack from hell” messages, but responds immediately when it relates to her! But I do this all the time! I still cannot process that message. I’ve been wanting to talk to her about it, I wanted to tell her that this is messed up I don’t appreciate that I feel like shit to her and she’s not there for me when I need her because she’s busy looking at Instagram, whereas if I’m not on the phone with her when she has the smallest issue – even if I’m in my own shit – then I’m the bad guy! No. I refuse to accept that. I told my friends here about the situation and they believe that this is a one-way toxic friendship. Our conversations are mostly about her. They’re always negative calls, always a problem, and I’m disregarded. I couldn’t really process it at first. I mean yeah she can be a bitch and she doesn’t always respond, but she was there at the doctor’s by my side when my anxiety kicked in. But then, Mo asked me how many big obstacles have I faced since I met her, the ones in which a true friend should be there. There were 5 major turning points for me. She was there for one. In each of the other 4 situations, she wasn’t there. How many has she been in? A LOT. I was there for 99% of them. When she hit a block with writing, I sat down and spent months doing research and writing papers with her so that she can stay on track in university. I studied her exams with her. Even went to one of them. I should note here that we were in two different universities and different majors as well. Nothing in our course load was similar. But I sat there, learnt the material with her, in addition to my own studying and made sure that she had enough knowledge to pass the exam, or her paper was good enough to be submitted for a third or fourth year course. When I moved half way across the world and she still needed help, I spent nights awake to help her write. I would literally go to work with no sleep the next day. I did everything I could to make her life easier and then I turn out to be the person who changes the topic and makes it about me.

Today she messaged me while I was completing a test for this new position asking if she could call. I told her I’m doing an interview and I’m busy for the next two hours. She started being nice, oh good luck, they’ll love you, and that kind of thing. I didn’t respond. When I was done, I knew she’d be at work, but I didn’t want her to go and say oh I told you I want to talk but you didn’t get back to me, so I messaged her and said what’s up. At this point she’s acting as if nothing has happened and is telling me about how she’s at work and sick of it… etc. I waited a couple hours then said “feel better”. And that’s that. She should have been done work already, but so far I haven’t heard from her. I think I’m going to be brutally honest. I’m done having people treat me like they’re more important than me. What about me? Why am I less important? Why does it always have to be someone else?! So you know what, I’m not letting this go. I want her to know that this is her fault.