Family

So if you’ve read my last post I’m sure you’re quite aware of my messy head. I should probably also warn you that I tend to get off topic a lot. Since this is in writing I’m hoping I’ll be able to have more control here.

I think I’m going to start off by giving you a more proper brief about myself… I’m in my mid 20s, living in the Middle East – though only partially by choice, and I am the oldest of 4; but definitely not the smartest, the prettiest, the most loved, or the most spoiled. If anything, I could get the most bullied award in the family. Why? Well, unlike all of them, I’m more of an introvert. I like quiet, I like to sit with myself, I like to avoid conflict, I care what they think, and I hate upsetting them so I let things slide, regardless of what they think.

Now depending on where you come from, your perception of my family dynamic will be different. Until quite recently, I would’ve never admitted that my family is a bunch of bullies. Now before I move on, do note that I LOVE MY FAMILY to the end of the world. I would never trade them for another, I would never want to change who they are, and no matter how mad, pissed off or fucked up I may get, they will always mean the world to me. Now that I made that clear, I can say there are a lot of actions from their end, that bug me, that hurt me and that I wish they would avoid –at least with me.

My family and I moved around a lot when I was younger and that brought us a little closer together. Since we were moving, we didn’t always have many friends and did a lot of things with each other. Not to mention the yearly family vacations and the everyday lunches, dinners, movies and just about everything else. Now, although we still do most of these things, something has changed. When I was about 12 my family left home and moved to a new country, when that happened I wasn’t very happy. This was never a home for me. I didn’t know anyone, I don't believe that it's a very diverse place and I still don't feel like I really belong here. In 2007, I decided to go to a semi-boarding school. It was still in the same country, however the people that went there were not all locals so there was a sense of diversity that made me a little more comfortable. Emphasis on the little. Anyhow, school is another topic, but after school was over I left for university in North America and spent the next 5 years living away from everyone. This meant I wasn't living with my family for a total of about 8 years. Whenever I returned for summer or Christmas, I spent my time with my family. I felt obligated to do so since I wasn't home for 11 months of the year. However, I was usually there physically - not necessarily an active contributor to their conversations. I interact when I should but kept it to a minimum, to them I was weird, some called me autistic (to them jokingly, to me it wasn't that funny) because my family is a bunch of extroverts. The idea of wanting to sit and read was not very normal and it seems that they're not so accepting of differences.

I think the worst part about all that is that because I was so quiet and I let things slide. I wasn't really saying what's on my mind, which is now biting me in the ass. I didn’t like it but I wanted to minimize the arguments my parents had  with me and with each other -especially if they revolved around me-. I hated making my parents angry -though it was a standard for dad's side of the family-. Don't get me wrong, I had my lash outs too, but they were more revolved around having fights over the remote or something just as stupid. They usually came out because I couldn't lash out about the million other things that bothered me. After university –about a year ago- my dad said I should come back "home" since I didn’t set myself up with a decent job straight after grad. And honestly in this half of the world -for the most part- when dad says something, out of respect, you do it whether you like it or not. That combined with the stupid notion that I don't want to disappoint them anymore considering my neverending stream of dissappointments forced me to come back. I think here is where things got more complicated, because now I’m back "home." I’m living with my family. I’m lost as fuck. I’m surrounded by people who know a fake version of me and I don’t know how to deal with any of it. I constantly feel like I’m in a box with no air.

When it comes to my family I feel like they don’t know me. Now that I'm living back home, all that quietness and not responding to the things I should have, not standing up for myself, and just being so afraid has made my life here today a disaster. I'm a working adult, supporting myself, living under my parents roof (can't move out unless I'm married because that's what the culture says), and I am bullied and belittled by my family on a daily basis. Sometimes it's little stupid stuff, sometimes it's big stuff. Either way it hurts. It hurts when my younger siblings have more courage than me, when they tend to have the ability to push me around, curse at me and respond to my parents, and I make one comment and never hear the end of it! I curse too, but if I'm heard doing it it's the end of the world. They do it, they get "watch it" and that's that. Whenever I do respond to a comment I don’t like or stand up for myself on a certain topic, I am told I’m aggressive and rude. When my siblings do it, it’s fine. And dare I ask why that is. Well then I would get a lecture that ends up making me the bad guy! WTF?! Like seriously how do they do it?? Either way I tend to get the “you went to live alone so now you can’t handle living with your family” bullshit speech. Which is SOOOO not true. Living alone isn’t the reason, it’s that they don’t know who I am and the reason for that is whenever I do try to be myself around them, they don’t like that side of me! They don’t like that I’m quiet. They don’t like that I prefer to sit in my room and read a book or watch a movie in peace, just sit and write rather than spending my time in a room filled with a hundred family members I barely know and honestly have zero interest talking to. I don’t care about my extended family much to be honest, I don't have much in common with them, I have to fake that I'm living in a bubbly and happy environment, and I can’t really talk to them about myself because I'd have to do more lying and be careful I don't slip and they find out I drink or date or party or anything, so at the end of the day there’s only so much I can discuss with them!

So that’s the background. Had you asked me about my family 3 months ago, I would’ve said my family is loving, we’re close and though we have fights and bickers, it’s a good dynamic. But as I’ve been discussing my family more and more with my therapist I’ve started seeing things I didn’t see before. You see, my parents never hurt us physically, but what I didn’t see was that I being emotionally hurt by their actions, whether intentional or not.

Although they have given us everything, provided us with the best they could, and typically want what's best for us, they really believe that their ideas of right and wrong, their beliefs on everything in life is what is right and we should be like them in that sense. Have the same thought process, the same beliefs, and similar actions. They have never said that we have to be this or that always gave us the option to be whomever we want - by saying it- however their actions tell you otherwise. They tell you can do whatever you want and then play with your head by "giving you their opinion, their advice" but seriously bro, I mean when you're 18 confused as fuck and ask them where they think I should go and you give me a flat out response this place seems shit (when they knew it was clearly my first choice) because I had to wait a term, they know I'm going to take their advice. And you know what 99% of me regret listening to them. I mean yes clearly im just as much at fault here because I listened; technically they still gave me the option said it's my decision, but why do the pushing towards another location if you really believed that it was my decision? Sometimes I wonder if I had said you know what I made my decision and I don't want to take your advice and I'm going to AU-DC, would he have let me? Or would he have put in his authoritarian hat and said nope you're not going? 

Aside from decisions, they have their own understanding of right and wrong, good and bad, appropriate or not, and their own beliefs. And my definition seems to be quite different. This is partially a difference in personality, probably experience too, I'm quite sure neither of them are as suicidal as me, have been in the extreme depression mode that I've been in for as long as I remember, I'm quite sure they don't self-harm and they both have strong personalities -even as kids- so I'm sure bullying wasn't on their list of things growing up. Mom was a military child, quite calm but outspoken, worked with the United Nations for as long as I can remember helping developing projects that help people. My dad was the cool kid. Smart, protective of his family, clean af, and when he went to university he was driving the coolest cars (was a car dealer) from his own earnings. Soon after that he married my mom and he opened his own pizza place in the US. A few years later he got a job offer and started his own company in the Middle East and is a biomedical engineer. Over 20 years and still not so sure what that translates into, but the point is I'm nothing like them. Hell I don't really even know if I'm good at anything. I definitely don't have the speak for the people personality and I don't have the brains. I don't have any skills as far as I know. I've wanted to be in the film industry as a producer or editor. Perhaps a writer. And the only thing I ever felt I was truly good at was horseback riding, but that stopped when I was about 13 or 14. I'm going to get back into it soon. A couple of weeks ago a friend of mine took me riding and it was the first time I get back on a horse since like 2006 and it felt beyond amazing. Surprisingly I still had it. The trainer was shocked that it had been so long. He said he would've guessed a month or two max. It felt amazing to hear that honestly. It's probably the only thing I felt I was good at and to know that I still had a shot at getting it back felt good. so I plan on getting back to training and stuff in October (I'm going to be travelling the next couple of weeks).

Sorry - off of today's topic, this is what I meant earlier. Back to it. So yeah, my family and I don't see eye-to-eye on 70% of things and what hurts is that they really believe I'm wrong when it's not something they believe is right. They don't accept that I'm different. They think it's wrong. My mom made a comment a while ago, my sensitive and emotional self may have read too much into it, but nonetheless it really hurt me. We were discussing backpacking in Europe, which they believe is wrong and stupid on so many levels. To them it's like why would anyone want to experience a country from anything less than a 5 star hotel and shit. BTW we don't have the money to travel the world and all that but they believe they'd rather go on one small high-end trip every once in a blue moon than go on a longer trip at a little less class. They claim to enjoy it more when it's in the finer end of life. And I understand that, it's a matter of preference. For me, I want to experience the other side of travel. First of all I want to see more cities and for someone whose pay check cannot handle 5 cities and 5 star hotels, I don't mind staying in hostels and motels. I don't mind meeting total strangers and making new friends. Riding long trains and all that. I'm quite excited for it. But my mom said, "I don't understand where you get all these wrong genes." That was her response. It hurt like fuck to be honest. Why does this make me wrong? Does she really see me as wrong? What hurt even more is that like mentioned before, my mom is very calm, she's not the type to curse or hurt you, she's unbelievably patient and extremely peacemaker type of person. I would've expected a comment like that from my dad but never from my mom. So it really did hurt. When she said that I couldn't let it slide. I mentioned before I usually wouldn't respond, but I had to. I asked her why does this make me wrong. Why is having a different view make me so wrong? It's different not wrong. Why can't you accept that? I didn't get a response of course.

Why is being different being wrong? Why can’t they just accept me? And let’s be real, I’m not telling her something crazy or that I’m making this big change to be wrong. It’s just a personality difference! It really hurts that the people I love most in my life, can’t accept me and it really hurts to feel like they don’t love me as much as I love them just because I have different views. I hate that they see me as less of a person, I hate that they feel like they can be rude and treat me like shit and when I say something half as rude, I’m considered aggressive and I need to watch my tone. It really does leave a mark. I didn’t see that before but there’s a non-ending list of things that have affected me and that I can’t seem to get over. And it kills me that it’s the people I care most about that gave me those scars.