panic

bridgie101 05/26/2017
Every second of this you get through is a second you don't ever have to go through again. Remind yourself of that.

My experience of marital breakup was terror, and absolute confusion. I was in a bad way when we broke up, having a nervous breakdown, having psychosis (didn't even know that was a thing), so floating like a helium balloon without a string. I had to read documents to go on the DPB. I had to read documents and write my name on them. I had to change the power and the phone into my name, and find half the mortgage to pay. It was unbelievable how hard it was to do even the simplest things, and it took me 3 failed appointments to fill in enough forms to go on the domestic purposes benefit.

As time went by I got stronger. I got on the dpb, I got over that huge panic surge. I found a flat in masterton, I cleaned and tidied the house and we got it sold. That was really hard, as part of the NB involved not being able to move, so housework was just something I would stare at in despair, I had really loved that house and had liked it clean but it just got worse and worse.

I have ended up a number of years later in my own home, which is cheap and pretty much in a slum area. I don't care. I have lowered my standards, I have considered this 'live like common people' thing to be educational and it is. I've had to laugh at my own comedown and can enjoy being a badly paid clerk at the age of 47 instead of a rich man's wife. I drink instant coffee, I have bubble wrap on my windows as insulation. I have no shame.... but this is all an entertaining adventure for me now.

I've become antimaterialist. Like thoreau, I could easily live in a single room shack in the woods. Stuff - 'stuff' - is crippling. It has to be carried around with you when you move. It only works in a long-term family homestead situation, it is no good for a single woman. If you can fit everything you own into a 10 ft truck, you are okay, because you can drive one of those on a car licence. Any more stuff than that and you lose mobility.

Low income requires increased mobility. You need to respond quickly to changes in the housing market. You need to respond quickly to financial crises. You need to be able to go where you need to go. I sold my piano because I could not move it myself, it needed special care (humidity levels, biennial tuning) and it paid for carpeting and shower/bath do-up at the tiny, tiny flat I bought. I have let go of everything. I have sold everything I could.

Think of the things you can do. Move towards doing the things you can do. Lighten your load, focus on what you can afford. You may not be able to afford a flat, but you might be able to afford to go flatting with someone else. Have you checked out flatmates wanted (is that roommates wanted over there). It is cheaper, and you can offload more of your belongings.

As to pets: you have 3 choices. 1. Take them with. 2. leave them with daddy; 3. rehome them. It is only if you can't do that that you'd need to consider putting them down. But I think one of those 3 would work. In NZ you can take a pet to the SPCA, and give them a few hundred dollars, and they'll rehome them. Animals adapt. Animals are adults, not children. They don't need you as a parent the way you need them to be a child. They can move to a new relationship just like you can.

Maybe you need to move further away from town? How far are you from your job right now? How far can you realistically travel to and from work every day? For me that limit was about 1 1/2 hrs each way. I can cope with leaving home at 7am to get to work at 8:30. Travel costs are difficult but are less than living in the city and the suburbs are more pet friendly.