overwhelming sorrow, AGAIN!!!
This roller coaster that I am on is going to be the death of me. I told my sister today that if I should die of a heart attack to please tell my son, that I love him so much and that it was just a broken heart and the stress of losing Jackie. I don't ever want him to think that he wasn't enough for me.
My day today was almost as bad as my days were 8 months ago.
Jackie hated Valentine's day. But she always bought me something. Red and Yellow Roses were her favorite gift to give me. Red for love and yellow for being her best friend. Her cards always had handwriten notes to me that said so much more then the cards she bought. I woke up crying today so I bought red and yellow roses to bring to her and went to the cemetary. That was 12:00 this afternoon and I'm still crying. Prozac, three zanax throughout the day, coffee flavored Patron on the rocks, (Jackie bought that for me on mother's day and the next day she took her life) and I can't stop crying. I miss her so much. When I went to see John Edwards, listening to all the stories and to him helped me to believe that she is trying to send me messages, but Guess What?? Its not good enough. I want to hold her again, I want to kiss her again. I want to take care of her. I would do anything to have her back. It's a very scarey feeling that I don't care if I should die, just to be with her again. I have a son who is so good to me, a sister who takes care of me, grandchildren and now my oldest grandaughter who is 23 is having a baby. What a blessing. I need to want to live again. I know my daughter wants that for me. One day I feel ok and keep busy, I see my friends, I go out. But I hate being around a lot of people now at one time and I have some parties coming up. I don't want to go, but i am because I know its the right thing to do.
Today was a horror. I stood over my precious child's grave telling her that I hope she is in peace and has no more pain now. But then I question, WHY, WHY couldn't I save her. I will always have regrets and nothing will ever change that. Sometimes, like today I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. It's nine months now since she took her life and I still feel like its a nightmare I can't wake up from. I used to go to a gathering with Jackie called PFLAG. Its an organization to help families who have gay children and gay children themselves. Understanding how they did not chose this and how hard it is for them with all the struggling they go through to try and understand who they are. One of the members sent me a card and I got it in the mail today. I don't know if he timed it that way, for me to receive it today, but basically it said that he just wanted to me know, how special Jackie was and that he doesn't believe that she died in vein. He said how she touched his life, that she was an inspiration to him and gave him courage and hope when she used to speak at the meetings and that God is using her as an Angel to help others on earth. His words were so loving and compassionate. I haven't seen Michael since Jackie's funeral and yet today, on this day, when I was so distraught, I received this beautiful card from him.
I want to heal and I don't want to heal. Is that crazy? I just want this unbearable pain to go away. I know I have said this every time I write but I truly feel this way. I am so grateful for this site knowing that I can say anything I am feeling and not be judged. Thank you again, my sisters for being here for me and listening. Much Love to you all, Gail
My day today was almost as bad as my days were 8 months ago.
Jackie hated Valentine's day. But she always bought me something. Red and Yellow Roses were her favorite gift to give me. Red for love and yellow for being her best friend. Her cards always had handwriten notes to me that said so much more then the cards she bought. I woke up crying today so I bought red and yellow roses to bring to her and went to the cemetary. That was 12:00 this afternoon and I'm still crying. Prozac, three zanax throughout the day, coffee flavored Patron on the rocks, (Jackie bought that for me on mother's day and the next day she took her life) and I can't stop crying. I miss her so much. When I went to see John Edwards, listening to all the stories and to him helped me to believe that she is trying to send me messages, but Guess What?? Its not good enough. I want to hold her again, I want to kiss her again. I want to take care of her. I would do anything to have her back. It's a very scarey feeling that I don't care if I should die, just to be with her again. I have a son who is so good to me, a sister who takes care of me, grandchildren and now my oldest grandaughter who is 23 is having a baby. What a blessing. I need to want to live again. I know my daughter wants that for me. One day I feel ok and keep busy, I see my friends, I go out. But I hate being around a lot of people now at one time and I have some parties coming up. I don't want to go, but i am because I know its the right thing to do.
Today was a horror. I stood over my precious child's grave telling her that I hope she is in peace and has no more pain now. But then I question, WHY, WHY couldn't I save her. I will always have regrets and nothing will ever change that. Sometimes, like today I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. It's nine months now since she took her life and I still feel like its a nightmare I can't wake up from. I used to go to a gathering with Jackie called PFLAG. Its an organization to help families who have gay children and gay children themselves. Understanding how they did not chose this and how hard it is for them with all the struggling they go through to try and understand who they are. One of the members sent me a card and I got it in the mail today. I don't know if he timed it that way, for me to receive it today, but basically it said that he just wanted to me know, how special Jackie was and that he doesn't believe that she died in vein. He said how she touched his life, that she was an inspiration to him and gave him courage and hope when she used to speak at the meetings and that God is using her as an Angel to help others on earth. His words were so loving and compassionate. I haven't seen Michael since Jackie's funeral and yet today, on this day, when I was so distraught, I received this beautiful card from him.
I want to heal and I don't want to heal. Is that crazy? I just want this unbearable pain to go away. I know I have said this every time I write but I truly feel this way. I am so grateful for this site knowing that I can say anything I am feeling and not be judged. Thank you again, my sisters for being here for me and listening. Much Love to you all, Gail
Replies
Hugs. I am sorry it is a difficult day for you and Michael\'s card came just in time - it\'s no accident - it is a message from heaven to console you, to reassure you that even Jackie\'s life was short on earth, she touched many and her love carries on. Try to focus on the good times you two had even though it may bring pain. Down the road of healing, you will find peace and will cherish all the memories. Be patience to yourself. It is understandable.
Oh precious darling...I feel the pain in your heart jumping off my computer screen. YES, it is a nightmare! I understand wanting to want to live and at the same time not caring really if you don\'t. We just want the pain to end!! I have screamed and screamed and screamed how I just needed the pain to end. Yesterday was a very emotional day for you because of the closeness and specialness you and Jackie always shared on Valentines day. I fear it will be a trigger for a long time. The positive of that is next year you will know that you survived it this year, and that in itself can give a measure of comfort. Each time we face and survive our biggest triggers we are able to get through them easier the next time. You are still within that first horrid year. Just breathing is hard! You are truly doing amazingly well, even if it doesn\'t seem like it to you. You are pouring your heart out, giving and receiving, and you are recognizing the MANY blessings in your life and desire to find your life again. It CAN happen! I promise! I am living proof. I promise I was where you are 5 years ago....in so much pain I could not even imagine life being worth living. But, here I am today, truly OK, truly enjoying my life, and YES, still missing Kala like crazy, but it is SOOO different. The intensity is no longer there. Please keep doing what you\'re doing (careful with the meds and alcohol...but I was there too!), keep sharing and keep breathing. We\'re all here for you sweetie and we do truly care. Sending so much love and understanding~~Teri.
OH, I wanted to comment on the message from the member of Jackies group.... How awesome was that!! I don\'t know if he timed it, or if Jackie put her finger on it and made it happen, but I DO feel it was meant to be a gift to you on that very day. Let it comfort you knowing how special Jackie was to so many and SEE it as a message from Jackie herself. Love you!
Gail I know that roller coaster you are on all too well. I\'ve said the same words, I don\'t want to feel this way any longer. I feel that I need to live for the sake of my family but I don\'t really want to be here at all. I have no motivation to do anything and have to force myself. But every once in a while the cloud will lift for a little bit, and after eleven months I finally had a day without tears. I know there will be more of them. This first year is so very hard to live through. I trust what the Mom\'s here on FMO tell me, that in time it will be easier. All special days are hard now because we miss our children so much and remember the special days when we shared them. I agree with what was said by the others, Michael\'s letter telling you how Jackie helped him was no accident, it was meant to come to you on Valentines Day. Sending you love and prayers for peace, Terry
I read your post about your daughter and her death. I lost my son in 2005 in a car wreck. He was 37. He died as a result of bad choices with alcohol. He was riding in a vehicle with a drunk driver, they missed a curve, the vehicle rolled, he was ejected and hit a tree stump and died of internal injuries. His so called \"friend\" survived the crash, seen he was dead then, walked home, went to bed and slept for 10 hours. He then got up, called the State Police and said my son had stolen his vehicle during the night. He also called other \"friends\" and asked them if they had seen my son driving his \"stolen\" vehicle. When a farmer was heading to his field, he saw the suv laying in the treeline so, he called the State Police. They dispatched an officer and when he walked around the suv, he found my son\'s body, laying in a ditch in the tree line. CSI was called in, reconstructionists were called in, they impounded my son\'s body and the investigation began. Clues at the scene, led back to the owner of the suv and when the State Police said they would get a court ordered DNA swob from him, he asked to call his lawyer.
I know our losses were due to different circumstances but, the end result is the same. The pain will always be there. The memories will always be there as well. The questions will always be there as well but, the pain will not be as severe as the years pass. I too, still go to my son\'s grave, I stand there and weep and I talk to him even though I know he is not really there. It\'s just my way of dealing with this loss.
I don\'t know what Patron on the rocks is. If it is alcoholic, be careful mixing it with Zanax. This in itself can be very dangerous. I understand the reason for trying to numb the pain. Being an ex-biker, an ex-alcoholic and drug user, I wanted to revert back to what I once was and to retaliate against this driver of the suv. Dealing with his lies, his not being remorseful of his actions and the laughter of his family after the court hearing, was just about all I could handle.
I do not know if you have a religious or church background but, I my healing came from my faith in the Lord. I never got mad at God but, I did ask him why. We as humans only see the pieces of the puzzle but, God sees the completed puzzle. I will be praying for you and your family.
Oh, I\'m so very sorry. I think if you go back and read the early journal entries of us mothers who are further along this journey than you, you will see that we have written very much the same words. I remember vividly thinking that I wouldn\'t wake up because my heart was broken. In fact, I prayed to not wake up. I prayed several times a day for the Lord to take me. I didn\'t sleep for months, I almost felt like I couldn\'t breathe. You are not crazy.....you are grieving. I\'m so sorry that any mother has to experience this pain. If my pain meant that another mother didn\'t have to suffer than I would do it again because I know how excruiciating it can be. But, I can tell you that it WILL get better. It doesn\'t seem like it now but it does. It happens so slowly. You write that one day it feels OK and another it doesn\'t. One day the OK days will outnumber those bad days and then one day the OK days will be good days. Like Teri (RememberKala), it\'s been almost five years for me. I too would have never thought I could survive the loss of a child. Yes I miss my son. Yes there is not a day that goes by that I don\'t think of him, but I can live in the present and be present for the remaining friends and family that surround me and I can enjoy life. Life is really so very short in the grand scheme of things and one day we will reunite and be with our children again. Until then, honor her by living and finding happiness. You said it best....that is what she would want for you. Sending prayers that the rest of the week is gentle. Much love. Robin
Short response is, \"No, you\'re not crazy. You\'re grieving.\"
When we first lost Corrie in 2009 and I joined FMO three months later, what I most appreciated was the validation I received each and every time I reached out for comfort and reassurance about my pain and crazy rantings. I learned that everything I was feeling and experiencing was absolutely in the \"normal\" realm for grieving mothers. The ups and downs; the whys/what ifs/woulda/shoulda/coulda\'s; the regrets; wanting to feel better but not wanting to leave Corrie \"behind\" (as if we could do that); the intermittent rage and frustration; the triggers that would literally send me to my knees time and again; the spaciness; never wanting to get up to face another day without Corrie; the inability to get anything done; the million pound cloud that I carried with me 24/7 ~ all part of this horror we call grief.
It all keeps cycling around but the cycles do get much gentler. The highs are higher and easier to sustain. The lows are not quite as devastating and easier to bounce back from. I do remember that nine months was especially difficult for me. I journaled about it and learned that nine months is really hard for many Moms ~ perhaps it\'s that we carried our children in our wombs for nine months. Perhaps it\'s that we\'re beginning to emerge from the numbness and denial and are left with intense, excruciating pain with no buffer. The second year may be tougher than the first for those reasons, too. But we\'ll be here to catch you!
I know exactly what you mean about the reassuring messages from John Edwards or from dreams or other signs that we occasionally get ~ I\'m always left feeling \"well ~ that\'s lovely ~ but I still want Corrie back physically ~ I need to hug her and hear her giggle and scold us the way she always did.\"
I do honestly think that the regrets will loosen their grip on your heart. We will forever miss our precious, wonderful, beloved Jackie and Corrie, but we do learn to live, enjoy and engage with the world once again ~ your son, your grandchildren ~ they will be there to welcome you back!
One of my favorite quotes is from Rose Kennedy. \"It has been said, \'time heals all wounds.\' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.\" For me the million pound cloud lifted sometime during the second year and everything became lighter and easier to bear. Far from perfect but so much better.
I love that you received that card from Jackie\'s friend at precisely the right time to offer you a bit of comfort and hope, knowing that Jackie is remembered and loved by so many and that her legacy lives on.
Sending love and tight hugs of comfort, blessings and peace ~ Debbie
I think all of us have felt like dying since our children have left ....it is the worst kind of pain...no real cure but I am a woman of faith and know that God has helped me through this. He will always be helping me until I am reunited with my precious son. I often pray that it will be very soon. I am always glad at the end of the day that the day is over and that I am closer now than yesterday to being with Brandon. I KNOW this without a doubt because I have received signs from God. It is without question. I have accepted this but still grieve....and as long as we are humans we will grieve. I hope that you can find comfort in God and that you can have peace, too. It will come in time. I don\'t ever think that life on this earth will be total peace but it can be like a soothing balm when it does come....a roller coaster for certain. Please take some comfort that all of us are still marking time on this journey and that there is a purpose to every season....God be with you and guide you through it all...love and Brandon\'s Bear Hugs...dale, brandon\'s mom
Gail, you\'re at a crossroads in your grief. I\'m a few months ahead of you. I WAS where you are NOW at 9 months. You have to understand that your mind is grappling with this horror, that you are transitioning from this physical loss and starting to accommodate it. I know this is all very intellectual but it\'s what\'s happening to you. It happened to me, too. Valentine\'s Day is my birthday. Last year I took my daughter into that store where she bought the shotgun using MY credit card. I have learned that going into a store with your daughter is NORMAL, that I am NOT responsible for what she did with the information, that she was an adult and she made an adult choice and that God allowed it because every one of us has our own personal journey and that was His merciful end to her horror. You will feel the ups and downs. You really need a good grief counselor, someone spiritual who can help you come to terms with this in a way that will free you from this guilt and self blame. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME, your daughter was an adult, she made an adult decision for her own reasons. IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. STOP beating yourself up. This is the worst part of grief. If you can get past this self blame, you can begin to understand that your daughter is with God, she is peaceful and joyful and free of pain. And you might open the door for communication. I saw my daughter in October, I had a true vision of her. God can allow souls to interact with their loved ones but the energy is enormous. I\'m not crazy, I\'m talking from my own personal experience. I grieve the physical loss of my daughter of course; I want to hug her, I want to scratch her back as I did every day, I want to cook for her, I want to buy her things, I want to hear her voice say \"I love you\". But she\'s Home. I\'m here. She hasn\'t left me, she\'s just changed and from where she is she can help ME, now. What you\'re going through is NORMAL and horrible but it will change. I feel pain, I cry, but I also pray and I know where my kid is. God gives us signs. You have to learn to look for them, I\'ve had an awful lot of them in the past (almost) year. I wish none of this had happened to either of us, to any of us; it\'s too much to bear I know that. But we are bearing it, and they could not, so their pain was so much worse than ours. We don\'t want our daughters here in pain, we want them here whole and happy and going forward with their lives, something they could not do. You MUST stop taking responsibility and this is what a good counselor will help you to do. You could NOT have stopped it Gail: another day, another way. Nothing you said, nothing you did, could have erased the horror and misery that drove your precious daughter to end her life. She wasn\'t thinking rationally or she wouldn\'t have hurt you this way, you KNOW that. YOU HAD NO POWER in this situation, even though you want to have had power, even though I want to have had power, we DID NOT. Learn to accept that. I\'m telling you it\'s the first step to learning how to live with this loss in a way that isn\'t self destructive.
Peace.
jill
I could have written your journal when you speak about being okay if you died. I knew that i would not hurt myself...but I kept thinking...I could die...it would be fine. There is no pain or sorrow that compares to the loss of a child. The sorrow changes...somehow life begins to be bearable...then you see that you can have some happiness...then you can feel happiness. Please just take it day by day...moment by moment. AND...I am sure that you received that note exactly when you needed it. Love and hugs...Karen
Thank you, again for helping me through such a horrible time. To know that I have somewhere to turn when I am so distraught is such a blessing. How I wish that this wasn\'t the way we have all met. What binds us together is something that no one could understand unless they went through it. All your words of wisdom, comfort, and love is so precious to me. It gives me such hope when I feel there isn\'t any for me. I do trust that I will gradually find a little peace. Knowing that I am not alone in this does give me strenght to want to go on. I used to go to Chuch but then Jackie felt abandoned by the Church because she was gay and I decided not to go anymore. It\' just a building. I pray to the Blessed Mother, she knows our grief and sorrow and I ask her to watch over all our children. And although Michael\'s note to me made me break down, I do think that maybe it was supposed to come on Valentine\'s Day. Jackie was a very special girl, who went through a lifetime of illness and stress. She was strong when she came out to me and her father. That was when we became so close. She was worried that I wouldn\'t accept her because she was gay. Nothing, nothing in this world would turn me against my children. When she started to get that head pain we had such hope that someone could help her. Over two years living in pain day and night. Too many drugs that the drs. precribed. I do believe that they had a big part in this. Some can make you suicidal. She was fighting for so long. My regrets are not going out with her that day when she asked and not being with her in the hospital room when she died. My family wouldn\'t let me go in. I was lifeless, letting everyone make decisions. My son, sister and husband felt that I wouldn\'t handle seeing her like that and I would always have that memory. I did everything I could, spent every day with her for 2 years, running to drs., hospitals, trying to find someone who could help her and when we weren\'t doing that, we spent our time going out shopping or at home watching our favorite tv shows. How I miss her. This site has given me hope. Reading all your journals and your advice. I wish we could meet. You all have become such a big part of my life. My new family and I know without all of you I would not get through this. Thank you again, I love you all. Gail